Stuck

Take one step at a time.... your next step after taking a deep breath is consult an attorney. The step after that is talk to a financial planner.

Keep breathing. It's OK to cry. It's OK to feel a sense of relief. And it's OK to be scared. When you mentioned about the breaking of vows, I remembered something a friend told me when I cried about that very thing... she asked me if I vowed to ignore my own feelings and mental health, if I promised to forgo my own happiness and live in turmoil, misery and worry. It was a powerful realization to have... what was promised to me didn't happen and I never promised to endure abuse.

Thank you. I did feel relief after I told him. But also can’t stop crying. I’ve been repressing so much emotion. Nothing will really change until I file. I have to do it even though it will hurt.

He left our wedding reception to get high (friend lived a couple blocks down the street). I noticed and was a bit annoyed but tried not to care. After our wedding, I drove us to beach for our honeymoon. I was pregnant. He slept on the way. We went into our hotel and he fell right asleep. I watched tv and ate cheese and cold cuts alone until bedtime. The next morning I woke up early but he was not there. He was gone for a couple hours. No note, no phone. At first I thought maybe he was grabbing us breakfast. Then as more time went on I thought maybe he was buying me a gift. He finally returned empty handed and said he had decided to go golfing. He wasn’t even a golfer. I was confused and he was clueless like it didn’t occur to him that I would wake up and wonder wth.

Your friends words are what I have been feeling 😞

You have been getting some sound advice. Once you have chosen to see the reality you will be opening some psychological doors that can fill you with sadness and crying is normal and may happen a lot as you move forward. You will be grieving a loss of what you hoped would happen that never took place. These hugs are not really about loving him but saying goodbye to the illusion you created of him. It’s really very much like mourning a death.

It’s important you stay clear on the reality so you don’t give him a chance to pull you back into the illusion. Now, read what I just said a few times because it’s important.

He said he is doing inpatient addiction treatment.

Did he share the details of that with you?

He said that he is doing it or he is actually doing it? He’s looking for things to tell you to keep you around.

That’s what he needs to do for himself. He is not doing that for you. He has spent years using and he has not changed since your wedding nite where he chose to be selfish. He has a long journey because not only does he need to learn how to live his life sober, but he will need to take responsibility and grow up.

Statistically, most partners wait until their spouse gets on their feet and then they leave. This typically happens within three years.

What you hide from the narcissistic/controlling individual or addict dependent unhealthy person.

1. Your vulnerabilities
2. Your true feelings
3.your leverage
4.your escape plan
5. Your stash of cash
6.what you actually want in negotiation.

Your husband already knows how to manipulate you. He has been doing this for a long time.

I hope today is better than yesterday. It's OK to feel hurt, confused and anxious. It's OK to cycle from relief to angry to confused to worried and back to relief. It's all normal.

Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that today you choose you. It's quite easy when dealing with everything you are these days to forget that you are allowed to put yourself at the top of your priority list. You deserve happiness. Its ok to remind yourself everyday that you choose you to be first.

You can expect that your husband is going to make himself extremely needy and act real contrite and beg for another chance and promise to reform and play you because he knows you're compassionate and caring. He knows you very well. He'll be watching you like a hawk to see how serious you were about ending the marriage. He may stage a complete mental collapse, so you *can't possibly* walk away.

That's why I say don't talk about divorce anymore with him. It may just throw him into a panic and a whole bunch of theatrics. Or he may be holding back on all of that, until such time as he feels in imminent danger of losing shelter under your caring cloak. But it's coming.

You clearly do not want to live with this man. But you've been trying to figure out how to give yourself moral permission to leave him. The guy subjects you to daily verbal and emotional abuse (along with undermining the financial wellbeing of the family.) You have no moral obligation to just keep taking it and taking it. He could stop. Instead, he likes doing that to you. He's full of disdain and contempt, and he chooses to vent it at you. That's your moral justification right there. You have no obligation to stay in a situation where you are being crapped on. You have every right to extricate yourself from that. Actually, it's your obligation to yourself.

Yes, he will be adversely affected and his life will probably fall apart. That will be sad to watch, or know about. But you know what? That's just too darn bad. He can access resources to get himself taken care of. He can get SSDI, which would give him a secure income. The medical-psych establishment would facilitate that for him. They do it all the time. He knows how to get himself admitted to an inpatient psych facility. He's eligible for a bunch of social supports. But, no! He'ld rather get all his support from you and just drain you, until you're finally drained of your sanity. Remove that option from him. He's smart enough to figure his alternative set of options for survival. The social safety net can provide him shelter, food and medical care. But there'll be rules, and we know how much he hates following rules. Too bad. He'll learn, or he'll go cold and hungry. It'll be his choice. He'll wise up . . . because he'll have to.

I've seen so much of this, up close and personal. My father had an alcoholic brother who kept moving in with us, until my father turned him over to "the system," and my uncle did just fine. I have an alcoholic, pot addicted brother who just can't get off living on the street. I helped him access the social safety net, and all his needs were being very nicely met. Then he left town and is probably sleeping under a bridge somewhere. His choice. (He decided the cops here were picking on him. Cops pick on him wherever he goes. It's a nation-wide conspiracy.)

Your husband has a big adventure ahead of him. He can get everything he needs, without you providing it, but he's going to have to follow some rules. Let him learn that.

Hi starlingflock.

I don’t like to admit it but your husband and the married me had some similarities. Mostly the way we cope with things, being distant and unthoughtful, and the use of drugs and/or alcohol. I did my best to keep my vices from my family, especially the kids.
I would stay up late, after my wife went to bed so I could get high in peace.
I’m not proud how I neglected her, and neglect is the only form of abuse I’m guilty of, unlike your husband.
My wife gave me an ultimatum eventually, change the way I am or the marriage is done.
I couldn’t change at that time, and so it ended.
I realized many things in the years after that, it was a rough time but a time of rapid growth, and times of intense decay, but always something new to learn.
I am a very different man these days, but in some ways the same, I hope that if you leave your husband, that he too finds a path back to himself, and healing.
I agree, though with much less intensity, with the other members, that you are not responsible for the quality of his life, that is his work to do, and it is good to let, maybe in this case, leave him to do it.
I hope it turns out (if you so choose) to be the right thing for your entire family, as it was for mine.

Yes I will stay clear on reality. Ive told myself the truth and im not going to lie to myself again.

Not yet. He just left me a note in the middle of the night, and then wrote me a text while I was at work today saying he is doing inpatient. I don’t think he got the reaction from me he was hoping for.

I think he’s doing it, but he would have to stay in a long time to make a difference. He was in a week each the last two times (not specifically for addiction) and he sounded better and was determined to be sober when he came out and I don’t think it lasted a day even. He was an ***** to me when he came out the last time.

He has not changed since wedding night…true. He might have died down a bit with age or medication or whatever, but he’s just as selfish. He said he was sorry on the note and text, which is something he never does. I guess he deprives apologies so he can try to whip out that magic word when he thinks it counts.
I always been very confused by his thought process and reactions, they seem very inconsistent to me. I realized today (with everyone’s help here) that when he finds something that works to get him what he wants, he just keeps doing it again and again and again, and that’s his only parameter.

Yes this makes perfect sense

I’m feeling better today and better about myself. I’m so empathetic it really can be a problem for me. I do need to go to the top of my list. Thank you.

You’re very right rose. I see him above me too often and I’ve let him take me over.

Hard love isn’t easy, but sometimes enabling addicts prevents them from ever hitting the rock bottom. He never needed to try. Maybe he will now or maybe he won’t. . But it has to be up to him.

Thank you reptileinyourhead. I appreciate you telling me. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out although it sounds like you believe it was right in the end. I’m glad you’re the same but different. I’m the same but different too.

I also hope he finds a way back to himself because I do know he is that little hurt kid. I’ve been there as he’s healed in many ways, or as he’s processed the truth of things he hidden from for self preservation.

Whenever I am responsible he is annoyed. He really can’t stand me expecting him to be responsible. He openly admits he doesn’t do things just because sometimes asks or wants him to. It’s impossible to work with, and he doesn’t want it any other way. It’s so frustrating that I would give up and try to see things his way. I have very little to show for it. 😕

Wise words divine. Thank you.

There are social support agencies that will assist your husband to have all he needs to keep body and soul together. There are fellowships of recovering substance abusers who will welcome him into their midst, if he wants companionship in working a program of recovery. It's all out there. I've worked as a nurse in a variety of venues that services this population. Many very dedicated professionals and assistant workers labor conscientiously to guide troubled individuals along a pathway out of hell. But the individual must cooperate. Nothing impossible will be asked of your husband.

I was astonished at the support offered my brother. He was set up in a one bedroom apartment nicer than my own. He was offered a support worker to come by several times a month to assist him to clean his place, since he has trouble staying organized. If he failed to pay his rent, an agency would pay it for him and allow him to gradually pay off that debt. The agency had a special contract with the management of his apartment complex. Because he kept getting arrested, they matched him up with an attorney who specializes in defending mentally ill chronic offenders. I met with this attorney, and I was so impressed by her commitment. BTW, I live in a poor state. Yet, resources are there. Of course, my brother would say that "the system" was out to crush him. You're going to hear that too. Don't believe it.

People like my brother and your husband want to have their cake and eat it too. Wouldn't we all like that? You and I have to meet expectations to get what we have in life. These two men have decided they do not accept that reality of life. Their real core problem is NOT their mental illnesses. It's their rotten attitudes, whereby everyone is expected to cater to them. I have another close relative who struggles with very serious mental illness. Yet, he's been a good husband and father . . . plus a wonderful friend to me. He is a good man who accepts that he has to TRY. He is very loved. He knows how to love.

It is not true that mental illness makes anyone a bad person. I worked in an agency that stored and administered medications to mentally ill clients who were either homeless or not organized enough to manage their meds totally on their own. Some of them were just the nicest people you could meet . . . so grateful, so cooperative, so very pleasant to engage with. They came by consistently each morning to take their meds. This agency provided shower facilities and a clean change of clothing and a meal. Also an address to receive mail. These individuals were very courteous to staff and to each other.

Your husband's rotten attitudes are not caused by his mental illness. Like my brother, he simply has an entitled attitude that comes with a complement of rotten attitudes. Something was lacking in what he was exposed to growing up. He suffered abuse. That may have led to both his mental illness and his rotten attitudes. But they are two separate problems. Just because they both have roots in the same soil does not mean one causes the other.

Your husband can control his behavior much better than you think he can. I'm talking about the bad behaviors that come from his contempt for other people. (Not the mental illness stuff.) If you think those two sets of behaviors can't be separated, you need to visit a jail or a prison. You would be amazed at how polite inmates are capable of behaving. If your husband got put in a prison cell with a cellmate who was bigger, stronger and meaner than he was, do you think your husband would verbally abuse his cellmate? Your husband would become the most courteous guy in the world.

Because your husband has no attachment to any moral code of how to treat another human being, he probably can only be governed by fear. He will be respectful of those he is afraid of. Eventually, he will work himself into an environment where that's what he'll have to deal with. He will curb his behavior to the extent that he becomes afraid not to. Oh, he can change, alright - given sufficient incentive. That's why I could walk into a prison pod with a murderer over here and two rapists over there . . . and everyone would be getting along just as nice as could be. If these men were dressed in nice street clothes, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with them. They were controling themselves because they were afraid not to. I suspect most of them had sad, abusive childhoods. They grew up and abused the rights of others. But, in that controlled environment of the prison pod, they were capable of relaxing, joking, acting friendly and not causing me any discomfort to be in their midst. If one of them were disrespectful toward me, he would have been "corrected" by his peers. Certainly, some of these guys had been in the habit of smacking around their wives and girlfriends, when they were at home. You'ld never know it meeting them in the pod. Some people will alter their behavior based solely on what they can, or can't, get away with. That's your husband's approach to life. He doesn't care about what's right or wrong. You might as well make those arguments to a brick wall.

Your husband is probably in his 40s. It's better to cut him loose before he gets much older, when adjusting to the change will only be tougher. He'll have choices to make. Let him make them.

True there are services. We have such a large homeless population here you’d think there was no support or options.

Yeah mid forty. It is true that husband expects people to cater to him. He acts like he is a rule follower, but he is I guess just confrontational. He likes to point out when others aren’t following rules.

I never thought he was a bad person, so I never thought mental illness made him a bad person. I only thought of him as reactive, like an abused dog or cat who lashes out whenever they don’t feel safe, when they feel threatened.

Okay, your husband doesn't go around robbing convenience stores or knocking down old ladies and grabbing their purses. Being a good person is not just about refraining from committing felonies. He creates a miserable environment for you to live in. He's irresponsible. He can't be trusted to safely drive your daughter anywhere. He's arrogant. He can't get along with others well enough to hold down a job. (The current one won't last.) He's "been fired like 4 or 5 times . . . Usually due to behavior towards others." His behavior has been "terrible" for decades, as you describe it. His own daughter wishes he weren't there. His own adult son avoids him. He's resentful. He "has a power issue" for as long as you've known him. You've described him as "a jerk." You're revolted at the thought of having any marital intimacy with him. All I know about this man is what you have told us. I'm trying to think of one virtue he might have?

Can you - with a straight face - honestly say, "My husband is basically a good man, and I admire that about him." ??

If he's basically a good guy, then I guess his only downfall is that "he's sick." So back in the corner we go.

Calling him a "bad man" seems too strong for you. If he weren't your husband, and he asked you for a character reference, would you give him one?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlingflock Been married over twenty years. Been a tense relationship with dysfunction. Still, there’s a lot of love between us. How it all adds up, don’t know. I don’t understand him much anymore. Feel like he’s never much understood me. I’m trying to repair the relationship or end it. He wants to hang on and not change anything. Or he says he needs more time before he can do anything about his marijuana addiction. Being high comes first every day. Can’t drive our child, can’t parent much. Doesn’t talk to me really. Does his own thing with some pleasantries with me here and there, or unpleasantries. Tried marriage counseling but that ended because the addiction issue was outside the scope of her practice. He’s been doing minimal addiction therapy that hasn’t seemed to make any difference yet. Hasn’t been doing the therapy long, but took a very long time to start it. Had maybe 6 sessions and no change, doesn’t say a peep about the therapy. Spent at least $270 on weed in the last ten days. He has trigger warning tendencies. Been a big factor of why I fear to leave him. I try to talk to him about things and he doesn’t respond. At all. Or he’ll say leave him alone or he’ll say who am I to demand things or he’ll just laugh. He’s abruptly said he’ll change something but doesn’t follow through. He just wants to keep things like this. I tell him there’s a problem and he just denies it everytime. He’ll say what’s the issue? Like he’s never heard it before. He said this morning “I can’t believe you bring this up right now.” Never the right time. I guess it’s not about repairing the relationship because it was probably broken from the start. I don’t know how I could love someone so much who has treated me poorly. Have I treated him poorly too? I just keep expecting (hoping) that he’ll get more help at least. But I guess he is happy how it is and thinks I’m trying to call the shots and wants to put his foot down and have me go along with things the way they are, just being satisfied that he is here and stop pouting about anything else and stop inventing problems. We no longer have intimacy except hugs and kisses and I love yous everyday. I don’t know what to do exactly. I could ask him to move out, but I keep hoping something will change. Why am I like this??

I sense from your spouse that he needs you to not be hard with him and that you might not be relaying to him softness or the love that he needs. But, what about what you need?

What can you say that you need from him?

He loves you and in a deep way considering how you are together with him attending sessions of therapy. The weed is weed and should not be part of his forever life.

I relate to your situation. I have a daughter whom I do not have a relationship with in my house. She is reclusive. I insist that my relationship with my wife be first before. In fact, I will not consider relationships with my mother or sisters if my wife and my relationship is to be ignored. It has been this way for a few years.

What is your defecit with him in the relationship!? Like what do you need from him? More intimacy?? More convo?