Stuck

Thanks everyone. I looked around for other housing options last night and there’s nothing affordable, and nothing to accommodate our current situation. Only solution I saw was to buy a manufactured house, which still isn’t cheap or a good deal at all, and I don’t want to invest in, or to buy a property in absolutely terrible condition. No rentals available without getting rid of some pets, and rent is very high right now. I would pay hundreds more, and have hundreds less square feet. And our mortgage just went down 100/month due to reduction in property taxes, so I went from being very happy to have that hundred for other things to feeling guilty, deflated, confused, and selfish. All the things my husband scrambles to avoid..he wants to feel pleased with himself, pumped up, confident, and in control. It’s clear how is default is to use me to make himself better and better off.

I told husband that I don’t want to move right now; I want to stay in our place to best parent our kid and take care of our pets, and manage financially. I am protecting our investment and our proceeds will still be there later. He said that is fine.

I still have a headache over it, and was fumbling papers this morning, and am feeling brain fog and body tension because of the sudden pressure from him about what he needs and what he deserves, and what I did to put him in his position.

It’s annoying. And I had to set him straight and it went fine in the end (for now) but i went through this turmoil. My stomach feels off too. My mood is off.

I had counseling last night which helps sort of, but couldn’t get another appt for a month.

I realize the problem is I have been working hard all month to solve dozens of problems and switch things as needed and do everything myself, and then I had to hear him whine and guilt trip me because he needs to feel established and successful and what does he have to do but snap his fingers and what do I do but have to keep up, facilitate everything, show up for everything, do everything, and solve everything. It makes me hate him. Luckily he backed off or I could go nuclear.

You need proper separation agreement. He is not paying anything for mortgage yet will demand his half for the house proceeds. That just can’t be happening.

Sounds like he is emotionally blackmailing you. Don’t feed into it, it will just make you sick and it doesn’t accomplish anything.

A couple days ago he reached out with an emotional message. I’m not sure what it was about. Said he loved me as a wife up until the day he drove me off and now loves me as a great friend and the mom of his kids. Was calling me a micromanager the day before It made me cry at work. Probably because he said he stopped loving me like a wife when he drove me off. That felt weird.

I needed to follow up with him about sending money since so far it’s less than what he said and came a week or so after he said he’d send it. I texted him and waited for a sassy response. He said yes he’d send money but made a comment about this is what’s it’s like to just be a paycheck. Said he was wrong all those years before when he thought he was just a paycheck. I guess he’s trying to say at least back then he had a family in return and now he feels the difference. He said it’s on him and he’s just expressing his thoughts and feelings.

Im juggling so many balls and working my butt off to do everything, so him giving static about reimbursing me or paying half of a couple active debts while Im responsible for everything else made me angry enough my face got hot. I think he is bummed the kids aren’t responding to him, so that’s why he said it.

My daughter is having nightmares he’ll return to he house, and was worried I would take him back. She was angry with me today that I stayed with him the last couple years or so.

I’m swamped at work.

So much pressure.

I almost had a panic attack today after kid was mad at me and she went upstairs. Was talking to myself even. Was saying to myself I’m never good enough. I’m no one. It’s always me who’s bad.

Things turned out fine with her. I understand how everyone feels.

I’m quite depleted.

When you're depleted, everyone and everything you take care of feels like a burden. Its time to do something to replenish yoursellf... indulge in a hot bubble bath, watch something really funny and laugh yourself silly, lay in the grass and watch clouds drift by... anything to stop being superhuman and dealing with everything constantly.. Stopping for 30 minutes and doing something just for you, for no other reason than because you need a break from constant stress can give you the strength to get through yet another day.

Take care of you first for 30 minutes, everyone and everything else second for 23 hours and 30 minutes. If you don't put you first, no one else will either.

Given that he was the main provider he will probably be ordered to pay alimony and child support. Legally he can’t just liquidate and walk away. This is why learning your rights is so important.

“Just a paycheck?” He has a minor child whom he supposed to help supporting. Since you have a stable career and job (and likely make more than him plus he didn’t stable consistent employment) he’d not be paying spousal support but he will have to pay child support. You need to file for child support and legal separation. You need to document that he doesn’t contribute to the house

Thanks! I did take some time to hang out with friends for dinner, which was very good for me I think. I had not socialized for quite some time. I’m trying to manage my attitude and outlook to stay positive and confident. My biggest burden are the dogs. I’m struggling with how much they limit our freedom, how much constant care they need, and how they take my sleep from me every single night between the three of them. I love them but I can’t put myself first with them. I feel very annoyed about it, especially the puppy that husband stuck me with that I felt we couldn’t take on. I assume I’ll feel better about it with time, but right now it’s really messing with me and I feel burdened to the point I feel like it’s insane that I spend so much energy on pets. The only way I keep my head on straight about it is that the puppy is a companion for my kid which makes the added stress and financial burden worth it.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m feeling a lot of distress, warding off negativity. Things are working out though.

I think I might be accommodating and compromising to a fault. Ive always been able to shift my attitude but I now need to change something about myself. Maybe it’s just a stress and I don’t need to change, just need to breathe.

He sent more money yesterday. It will cover three reimbursements and his half of two upcoming debts. Still need school stuff.
and to neuter the dog which is over $300.

Whatever. I’ll get through. I’m still just three months into this new job and trying to accept its stable. I am really starting to look forward to my PTO.

Is there a reason for so many pets? He needs to come get one of the dogs

Thank you. He was the main provider, but the last four years he’s been fired like 7 times and unemployed for stretches. Maybe he’ll bounce back? Also, I financially contributed evenly the first 5-6 years of marriage, and after that I did nannying, housecleaning, etc on the side off and on as well. All told I think it evens out to no alimony either direction. He needs to pay child support, and I’ll be working on making that official soon. So far just been letting things establish…I don’t want to give him a pass or establish that he doesn’t pay his fair share…I’m pretty used to tiptoeing around him.

I need to ask him again what he’s getting paid. He didn’t respond last time. He got paid at least 1200 Friday and I think he gets paid once a week. I have been documenting everything to be prepared. I need to talk with the attorney about how to best account for my taking over all marital household expenses in relation to a buyout amount or division of proceeds when selling down the road. Also he has some significant debts he acquired during marriage that I don’t want to be responsible for. They were his choices not mine and I was not on board. His medical debt I am okay to split.

We adopted a 5 yr old dog 6 yrs ago. Then we adopted a 10 yr old dog 5 yrs ago. They’re very small which is nice.

I had been talking to husband about needing to split if he wasn’t willing to compromise on some things.

Daughter started getting on him for his constant smoking and obnoxious behavior.

He saw a puppy for free, and started pushing for it. Daughter had been telling me she wanted us to move out to get away from him, and I asked her how with a puppy? Once she started thinking about having a puppy she was hooked and couldn’t think of anything else.

Im pretty sure once we got it, husband said to me that now she can focus on taking care of the puppy instead of paying attention to what he’s doing (that didn’t work).

My thought about splitting was def that he would take a dog, and that he’d want to! But he lives states away now and left overnight with minimal stuff. He lives with a relative so prob would say he can’t accommodate a dog. I think the relative has a couple dogs themself.

Maybe if he ever comes back for his stuff, he’ll grab a dog. The older dogs hate the puppy and are traumatized by him because he’s big, plays, and just started pouncing on them.

I’ve started telling myself “you deserve to be happy.” It’s nice to think this way.

I went through the bedroom over the weekend, rearranging and reorganizing. Not leaving it a shrine to him. He only wants pictures so far and nothing else that he left behind in the bedroom. Ive made both sides of the room mine now. Work clothes in the closet on one side of the room, and other side of the room for my non work clothes, where his clothes used to be.

I’m sleeping on the side of the bed he used to sleep on. It’s funny because I suddenly remembered how we both preferred that side but he never allowed me to have it over 20 yrs. Id ask for a turn having that side and he would say no, but be kinda funny about it so I’d let it go. One time I asked seriously for it, said why can’t I have a turn for awhile? he absolutely refused. Said it’s the side he prefers and so, there'd be no discussion about it. So dumb.

I’m enjoying feeling less fearful about him. I am more able to observe his behavior and our interactions than get swallowed by them.

He charged up more debt on our shared acct instead of paying it down. I asked him why he is charging up debt on an acct in both our names, and he said he’ll take what he needs. I asked if he is budgeting or was there some sort of emergency. and he said don’t worry about it or he could start questioning whether I’m damaging the house or not paying the mortgage and bills, ruining what we worked for. Here I am paying for everything and he’s adding debt to our names and acting like I have no right to ask him about it or expect him not to add debt to a shared acct. He said who cares if it’s in my name it means nothing. I asked him what limit he was imposing on the debt he is adding, and he didn’t respond.

It really threw off my night and I was fretting about him running up the debt to the max which is several thousand dollars. We kept getting conflicting info from the bank about closing this acct, transferring debt out of my name etc. I told him the limit needs to be reduced on that acct. really I was seeing what his reaction would be since I was heading into the bank to see about reducing the limit. He told me that he was going to ignore anything I say about the bank from now on.

I was at the bank for 45 minutes and they problem solved how to minimize the damage and get the acct closed and make it so charge acct can’t advance anymore money. It’s pay down debt only now. He could still neglect monthly payments, running up late fees and and they do charge interest each month but it’s a relief not be monitoring that acct everyday anymore. I told him what I did and he simply said “thanks.” So odd.

I started the divorce paperwork today. Didn’t complete too much but am getting the ball rolling, progress.

I start to balk a bit, but now I have my new reminder..I deserve to be happy.

Wishing you lots of happy, safe and healthy...

Late fees can effect your credit score. With your name still on the account, he can negatively impact your credit. I would speak with him about being sure to pay on time each month because his behavior impacts YOU.

And yes, you definitely deserve to be happy. Each and every day!

Thank you

Thank you! I plan to make the minimum payment if need be. Its another something to worry about but I want to protect my credit, and I don’t want this debt growing even larger than necessary. I’ll keep track of what payments I make.

He had given me some money for debts/child support, and a week later charged that same amount into debt on or shared acct. reminds me of when we were first dating, he bought me a gift, then a week later asked to borrow money, basically the same amount of the gift.

I hear he has moved in with a woman. Not surprised. Don’t care. I can feel less responsible for him now. I shouldn’t feel responsible for him at all. Things didn’t go well with him and his family he first moved in with. Not surprised.

I first worried that his new arrangement won’t go well, and what could happen next, but instead I need to think it’s not my problem.

I need to do a better job on boundaries and taking more responsibility than I should.

Well, you already know he isn’t going to change and that he will expect to be able to get his needs met from anyone he spends time with.

Going forward your concern needs to be more about taking steps to make sure he doesn’t ruin your credit or borrow against your home.

I think you should look into getting your name off that credit card because if he fails to make payments your credit rating will end up suffering.

You really need to see a lawyer to find out what legal steps you can take to protect your credit and the equity in the home.

Yes - protect yourself and your assets as much as you possibly can.

He will do the same exact things to her - trust me.

Longer you aren’t filing for divorce or legal separation more money he’ll borrow and further in trouble you’ll be. You need to see a lawyer.

It’s my birthday. I think my gift to myself is printing papers for a divorce.

Happy birthday starlingflock
Todays the celebration of the day that you came into this world!

Thank you Reptileinyourhead! And my life must go on! my world will get bigger. To happy days!