I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Ok, I heard from him about our divorce paperwork. He then gave me a full sob story, I’m sure to invoke guilt in me. He claims he was all alone for the holiday. Yet his first statement was about not getting any presents or cards. Then naturally he launches into all about how he feels without asking me how I am doing. He did say something about my dad not being around for Christmas. But still, it was a sob story, and I don’t feel guilty at all. I imagine he’s going to NY for NYE and I will be home alone. I didn’t tell him this and I didn’t ask him what he’s doing. I don’t want or need to know. The less I know the better off I am. I also don’t want to reveal anything about what I’m up to - it’s not his business. And what he does is not my business either. I’m fine with it.

He also told me he has a heart murmur and he’s worried about a potential heart attack. Two men in his family died of a heart attack in their fifties. I wonder about it. I told him I hope it’s a benign issue. I did also tell him that I’m sorry he had a difficult holiday. Yep, that’s my niceness coming out. He did lose both his parents so I feel some amount of compassion is the best way to go.

I was recently having an inner conflict going on about my husband and being no contact during the holiday. I was torn between feeling like I should be "nice" because that's what I've always been taught to do, and being cold or full no contact, even if he reaches out to me over Christmas.

So, I called the domestic violence center local to me to speak with an advocate about my conflict. My own advocate is traveling for the next two weeks and is unavailable. I did speak with a female advocate, who validated my need to protect myself, my peace of mind and my mental health. And this is how I feel and this is what I want to do, deep down.

The conflict comes from always having been a nice person, and from feeling guilty as though I SHOULD respond to him IF he reaches out, because he's lost both his parents and I know the holidays are likely particularly rough for him this year.

But protecting my peace of mind comes first and foremost and is the most important thing to me over being "nice".

And this is how and where I need to change myself. I have been too nice at the expense of my mental health. There's probably some codependency in there I think. But no more! I lose a day every time I speak with him and I feel ungrounded, unsettled, anxious and uneasy after every interaction with him. So I must maintain no contact no matter what he says and if he does reach out to wish me a merry Christmas.

Have Hope deserves better than him

Grown man complains he didn’t get Christmas gifts. That’s silly. What’s he 5 year old?

He complained being alone for Thanksgiving too, but then turned out he was at his friends’ house. He could go volunteer at homeless shelter serve food in a soup kitchen, then he won’t be alone.

I know - not getting presents or cards was the first thing he mentioned.

I bet he has plans for NYE. I am sure he does. And he claims he's all alone - he's only trying to pull my guilt strings.

@Buffy01 thank you!

Can I sell my engagement ring before we're divorced? Or should I wait, in case he tries to claim it back through the divorce?

Jewelry is kind of hard to sell as it’s depreciates. Where would you sell it? Do you have a wedding band too?

Good plan. I’d sell it for sure then. Right after divorce. Whatever you get for it, would be better than nothing. In fact even though those bands don’t cost much you could add it to the ring, even if jeweler gives you $25 for it, it will be a good use

Thanks, divine and Buffy! I’ll hold off on selling the ring until divorce is over, just in case. It could be worth $2000-4000, and I would pay off my debt with the money.

And yes of course the first thing out of his mouth was about what he hasn’t received for Christmas. He’s a taker.

And now I am fuming. I’ve sent several texts to him and still no reply. I threatened to share our texts on Facebook to everyone proving he’s an a-hole if he chooses to drag his heels on this. And I think he is and will.

why would you lose your car insurance if he doesn't respond sending the forms and things in? Can you contact the insurance company and have them chase him up?

I had to text him today to ask if he completed his financial statement. I need proof that we’ve filed for divorce by Jan 15 or I lose my car insurance. So I need us to file asap and that’s contingent on him completing his financial statement. He said he would do it today. So I’ve asked if he’s done it and he’s not replying. Which means he’s being totally passive aggressive!! I am annoyed but not surprised.

I’m so sorry.