I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

2000k chair. Is it made of gold? I’d most certainly keep the chair. Did he take it? I get it it’s a gift so he’d have to take it but dang it. That’s a lot of money.

He took it because I didn't need or want it. It's huge and its purpose is to help with back problems. Since he's the one with back problems, he should take it. And rightfully, it was a gift, so I am not keeping something I gave him as a gift. It was very expensive, for sure. And now I could use that money. However, I got to keep my engagement ring, which was over $4,000. So after the divorce is finalized, I will sell it and probably can get around 1/3 of that amount. So there's that.

I completely agree.

Have Hope deserves better than him

I do!!!!! And, today I feel AWESOME. When I do not communicate with him, I am FAR better. I need to continue that trend, it helps my mental health immensely. And today I feel so happy to be alive and to be without him!!!!!

I agree. Some people will never admit they are in the wrong.

That is normal to feeling exhausted after everything that you’ve been through.

Yep, and that's my husband.

I went out last night as usual to hear my band. I thought my husband may be there because a friend told me he may be. I was OK, in fact, in knowing this because I was surrounded by some people I've made friends with and several other friends showed up to celebrate 2 birthdays. He did not show up, and I did have a great time. But, I was looking over my shoulder for half the night looking to see if he was there. I don't want to be on alert if he's coming to a show. Next time, I think it's best if I just don't look around and do my thing.

Even if you do see him, you have as much right to be doing your thing as he does, so even if he was to start anything everyone would see that he was in the wrong for starting something

Actually, I am more concerned about myself starting something than about him starting something. I can see myself acting angry and upset if I saw him.

I believe you

I was recently having an inner conflict going on about my husband and being no contact during the holiday. I was torn between feeling like I should be "nice" because that's what I've always been taught to do, and being cold or full no contact, even if he reaches out to me over Christmas.

So, I called the domestic violence center local to me to speak with an advocate about my conflict. My own advocate is traveling for the next two weeks and is unavailable. I did speak with a female advocate, who validated my need to protect myself, my peace of mind and my mental health. And this is how I feel and this is what I want to do, deep down.

The conflict comes from always having been a nice person, and from feeling guilty as though I SHOULD respond to him IF he reaches out, because he's lost both his parents and I know the holidays are likely particularly rough for him this year.

But protecting my peace of mind comes first and foremost and is the most important thing to me over being "nice".

And this is how and where I need to change myself. I have been too nice at the expense of my mental health. There's probably some codependency in there I think. But no more! I lose a day every time I speak with him and I feel ungrounded, unsettled, anxious and uneasy after every interaction with him. So I must maintain no contact no matter what he says and if he does reach out to wish me a merry Christmas.

On another note, I'm recalling how he ruined holidays every year for me, Christmas included. Last year, he demanded that we leave my sister's home before all presents were unwrapped because he suddenly did not "feel well". He got mad that I said no, we have to wait a few mins, and fought with me in the car about it on our way home. He almost ruined the whole Christmas day for me because of that. He told me in the car that if I weren't feeling good, that he would have left right away for me. I said in reply that it's a family gathering and it's rude to leave before all the presents were opened.

Another year, he fought with me on New Years Eve, almost ruining that holiday. He also fought with me on Thanksgiving Day, refusing to go to my family's home for dinner. I had to bring him home a plate of food that year. He fought with me on my Aunt's 80th birthday, whereby she was having a large family private gathering. He almost didn't go to that event with me. And, last, I remember he almost ruined his own birthday one year by fighting with me on the day of.

Anything that takes attention away from the narc and anything that brings me joy, he tried to ruin.

Not this year!!!!!!

You could still be a nice person. Congratulating on holidays or otherwise keeping contact with exes or soon to be exes doesn’t really fall into a category of being “nice”, it isn’t required.

I’d say contacting ex or responding to their contacts when there is death or illness in a family would fall into a category of being nice, but even that isn’t required when it comes to exes, just a kind gesture.

Holidays isn’t an emergency or life altering event that you need to show your compassion or something. Not fussing over him on holidays won’t make you “not nice” at all

Fighting on holidays or needing to leave early is a typical thing people like him do. I suspect he often wanted to leave early because he had to get high and it’s not possible at family gathering.

I had a significant other like that. He had a problem staying late at events because he had to drink (beyond a glass of wine)and at some events drinking to access is inappropriate, like family Thanksgiving dinner so he’d need to go home drink.

But even in absence of substance abuse, people like your husband just want all attention on them. If that doesn’t happen, then he wants to leave. He can’t give attention to others.

Sadly my father is like that. And there are no substances involved. Now he is elderly so that’s different. But his whole life he’d either cause fights on holidays or demanded to leave early. The only time he’d not cause a fight or leave early would be event about him. Like if it’s honoring him miraculously he’d be perfectly fine and enjoying himself.

I bet you feel liberated being able to go places and do things and not worry about fights or having to leave early. It’s refreshing

I do feel liberated and it is refreshing!!!

I think with my husband it’s a combo of lack of attention on him and wanting to smoke weed. He is an addict after all.

It was annoying as heck.

Excess not access smh ugh

Well, no word from my husband - GOOD.

I am glad!!!! Of course, the day has just begun.

So, I was half expecting to hear from him on Christmas Day since he messaged me on Thanksgiving Day - but nothing. He didn't send any kind of a message. Maybe he's done hoovering and maybe he's finally given up. I admit that a part of me wanted to hear from him, but most of me did not. A part of me is hoping he is suffering. And that's my vengeful side. And I do have a vengeful side. I can be vindictive. I mean, I partially married my husband to get revenge on an ex fiance who hurt me very badly. What a stupid move that turned out to be!

I am not proud of this aspect of myself, but it is what it is and I'm not beating myself up over it. I just want him to hurt as much as he's hurt and harmed me.

How will you know when you have hurt him enough?

Good question! And I know I need to just sit back and let karma do its work. I also know that the best revenge is for me to let go, move on and be happy in my life, pursuing all the things I love and enjoy, which I am doing now.

I think he's probably suffering enough. I imagine his Christmas likely was very tough on him, unless he managed to pick up a woman and be able to spend it with her.

Ok, I heard from him about our divorce paperwork. He then gave me a full sob story, I’m sure to invoke guilt in me. He claims he was all alone for the holiday. Yet his first statement was about not getting any presents or cards. Then naturally he launches into all about how he feels without asking me how I am doing. He did say something about my dad not being around for Christmas. But still, it was a sob story, and I don’t feel guilty at all. I imagine he’s going to NY for NYE and I will be home alone. I didn’t tell him this and I didn’t ask him what he’s doing. I don’t want or need to know. The less I know the better off I am. I also don’t want to reveal anything about what I’m up to - it’s not his business. And what he does is not my business either. I’m fine with it.

He also told me he has a heart murmur and he’s worried about a potential heart attack. Two men in his family died of a heart attack in their fifties. I wonder about it. I told him I hope it’s a benign issue. I did also tell him that I’m sorry he had a difficult holiday. Yep, that’s my niceness coming out. He did lose both his parents so I feel some amount of compassion is the best way to go.

If he was alone, it was his fault

He cannot treat people badly then expect them to be there

Grown man complains he didn’t get Christmas gifts. That’s silly. What’s he 5 year old?

He complained being alone for Thanksgiving too, but then turned out he was at his friends’ house. He could go volunteer at homeless shelter serve food in a soup kitchen, then he won’t be alone.