I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

We had separated for 6 months and he moved out in November of 2020. There was an infidelity on top of abuse, so I kicked him out. He promised he would go to therapy with me and individual therapy for himself to make things right and to work on himself. He had owned up to the abusive behaviors, so I thought there may be a chance.

We got back together in June 2021, and he moved back in in March/April 2022.

There was a big fight in April that he started, which planted yet another seed of doubt. But we got past it and it was smooth sailing from May-August. Then in late Aug/Sept he started initiating fights with me - many fights, at lease once per week. He got nasty in these fights, called me names, insulted me, demeaned me, used gaslighting, projections, blame and accusations.

After the 5th or so fight, I decided I could not trust him to not be abusive. Therapy was a total waste, and he wasn't putting in true effort - he was only trying to appease me, I realized much later. He hadn't changed - not much and not enough. More broken promises, and I had had enough.

So, I've called it quits again and we are officially separated in the home. We are stuck together until one of us is able to move out, and our lease doesn't end until June. One of us being able to move out is complicated.

I am kicking myself for letting him move back in, and for letting this a-hole back into my life for a second time. I am very frustrated and am angry at myself for wanting to believe in him again, especially when his words are just that - only words and empty promises.

How do I forgive myself for doing this yet again? Now we have to go through the separation and moving process a second time. I cannot seem to forgive myself and I think mostly that I was being seriously stupid, acting on emotion vs logic.

How do I get past this self blame and guilt?

Guilt is unproductive. You seem to believe that actions speak louder than words, so recognize your growth by taking productive steps forward. Guilting yourself only paralyzes you. Simply accept that errors were made but let it go by taking productive action toward change. Realize that focusing repeatedly on guilt is going to keep you from taking positive and productive action. Tell yourself “Stop! This only gets in my way.”

Agree with @ArtleyWilkins

I have dealt with guilt over various things and it paralyzed me and made me incapable of moving forward. You're on the right path now.

How do you forgive yourself for doing everything you needed to do to be sure of a major life change?... you didn't do anything wrong that requires forgiveness of yourself. Perhaps the only thing you need to forgive yourself for is being optimistically hopeful that things would change. But honestly, things did change... you changed. It may not have been what you wanted to have happen, but it's what happened.

Tell the doubt and guilt in your head to be quiet. You've done everything you could and it didn't work. Tell yourself to find happiness. Then find it.

I never saw any reason to feel guilty over staying with someone too long. I can’t relate to feeling guilty over stuff like that. Maybe if someone else got harmed in the process? Otherwise no forgiveness is required. You thought it would work out. It didn’t. No need to beat yourself up

Agree with others. You did what you felt was right at the time, you couldn’t know the future, what’s important is that you get through what is happening now.

Thank you, everyone.

It’s that I knew these things already about him when we separated the first time. Then I allowed him to sweet talk me and manipulate me, which is exactly what he did. He didn’t put effort into therapy. He didn’t want to work on himself for real. He just said those things to win me back over and I bought it all - hook line and sinker. I feel foolish for having fed into and for believing his manipulative empty promises and lies.

And yes, perhaps I’ve grown stronger and can now actually end it for good. Maybe I was too vulnerable before to let go fully.

I still feel very foolish.

I've never been married so I couldn't offer much to say that could be helpful. But I will speak for myself about this. The only thing I can say is that I've let a friend back in (seemingly several times in the past) after I told him I don't want to continue being friends. But after a breakup he calls and cries (yes that's right; an old man crying when he leaves me a message on my voicemail). I feel sorry for him because, other than his wife, he doesn't have many friends. He had friends in the past but they abandoned him when his health went downhill. And at the same time I feel kind of sorry for myself because I don't have much going for me socially. So I tell him how I feel and then he's apologetic. But after a while, the crap comes back again. So it goes on all over again.

I guess we both have soft hearts.

The only way to get rid of guilty or blaming yourself is to learn and do things in a different way from now on.
Simple as that.

Hi Hope,

I just wanted to sign on and check in how you're doing.

I've really appreciated your, and others, insight and support and wanted to offer some in turn.

Be kind to yourself. Ok? Your mind and heart must be so tortured. When you can find some quiet in your mind, ask yourself how harshly you'd judge someone else in your position.

I bet you'd be pretty understanding. Try to give yourself the same support and understanding when you can.

We're all just human. All we can try to do is be a good human, but we all make mistakes.

You've been beaten down so much, try not to add to it. You'll need your strength moving forward. Don't let your own self talk wear you down and exhaust you.

RDM

@will19, thank you. I do have a soft heart, which makes it easy to get taken advantage of. I also believe the best in people, and that people can change their behaviors, if they want to. Some people just can't, or they won't.

@AzulOscuro, thanks. I will definitely learn from this experience. I don't think I'll ever date again though.

@RDMercer, thank you... I wouldn't judge someone in my shoes. I know I can be far too hard on myself. I have been beaten down and I need. to rebuild myself - somehow.

It takes as long as it takes....it took me 5 years to finally get the divorce......I argued with myself back and forth. You are human and only can do what you can.....when you can.

I know that argument, because I've gone through it myself.

Your words - that one sentence stuck with me though. "Let the side of you that wants to save yourself.. win".

I have, and it did win over everything else I was debating.

He came into my room last night while I was trying to sleep - at least 3 times.

He kept trying to engage me in a conversation about us, and about the fact that he is a "good person". He is trying to convince me that he is not only a good man, but that he hasn't stepped out of the marriage again.

I don't believe his words. They're meaningless to me. From my shoes, if he can break one promise to me, he can break any promise he's made to me, so I don't trust him at his word anymore. I don't trust anything he has to say at this point. And I've been at this place before, during our first separation.

During our first separation, my gut told me he was lying through his teeth about his infidelity. And to this day, I still do not know if it became physical. He made several claims that just felt off-based to me, deep inside.

He got me to doubt myself, my own gut and my own perceptions because of all the gaslighting and the lies.

I cut him off last night and told him to leave my room. I couldn't listen anymore to the BS he was trying to spin.

I've allowed him to manipulate me. I allowed his manipulations to win over what my own true feelings really were. And my true gut, in my gut, I already knew he wasn't trustworthy,.

This whole relationship and marriage was a big fat mistake. I’m depressed.

It wasn't a mistake. It was a learning experience. How much did you learn about yourself? About what you want for yourself? About what you need from others?

I'm only guessing that you learned quite a bit from this experience. We take something from every person we meet. Some people teach us about a TV show, some people teach us how to cook, some people teach us how to smile through adversity and some people teach us what we will and won't tolerate. What did you learn?

Go forward in life and find what makes you happy.

I get where you're coming from Have Hope. I've beaten myself up with guilt
pretty much my whole life. It is a paralyzing feeling. You found out you made
a judgement mistake. I m in the same boat but from the " opposite " side.
I'm the one who crawled back out of loneliness. It's not working out but not
because of me. I'm being gaslighted constantly. I'm not doing anything wrong
and if anything I'm too nice and appeasing. I'm paralyzed by fear of loneliness
and depression. Very disappointed. So just hang in there and try to just live in
the moment and not let your mind hijack your " mind". Emotion vs. Logic and Reason. Realize that your an individual who has needs , wants , and dreams
that can and should be realized.

Have Hope, not sure if this will help, but going back and forth on ending a relationship is common. In Codependent No More, the author says that codependents will generally take the alcoholic back something like seven times. The same holds true for relationships with other dysfunctions. She says that's part of the process and nothing to be ashamed of. It's not only normal, it's sometimes necessary (her words).

You didn't let him come back because of a fault in you. If anything, it was the more giving aspects of your personality that gave him a foothold. That whole process has brought you to where you are now. It sounds like now you have come to a place where you are no longer second guessing yourself. That has to be worth something.

The problem is, I've already learned this lesson - over and over and over again. How many times will it take before I can learn how to avoid abusers and narcissists is my question. I did not need to repeat the same mistakes.

I will definitely do whatever makes me happiest, for certain. It's time for me to be happy again, on the plus side.

Thank you for sharing your own story. Hugs.

Gaslighting makes you question everything, including your own perceptions of reality. It's the worst! Try to free yourself and realize that being alone is not that bad. In fact, it can be quite good and is far better than being mistreated and abused.

Thank you SO much for saying this,. It helps me immensely.

It's true I am no longer second guessing myself, but he's still trying to gaslight me, which is infuriating.

Of course, you already have experience in this issue. In how the dynamic takes place. It means you have information. Is it gonna to ensure you that you won’t fall again in the same mistake (in case it may be a mistake- I’m talking from what I’ve read here)? No. Sure you are gonna make decisions that may not be the best. Each one of us, make it.
The only way you may have an option to choose is when you are aware of something but also it’s needed you are ready to make this choice. So, it’s not so easy as we may think from the outside.

Only I see that blaming yourself is not FAIR.
Have you ever tried techniques of mindfulness of compassion?
I used to blame myself for everything. Felt shame. Even when people were mean with me. Doesn’t it sound absurd? I began to practise mindfulness. It’s a way to connect with yourself. Perceiving yourself without any blindfold and it helps to perceive others better.

@AzulOscuro, no I have not really tried mindfulness, though I am aware of what it is. I am trying to have compassion for myself. I think the self blame comes from my childhood. I was emotionally neglected by my father and basically was emotionally abused by him, and I think I blamed myself. So, this goes way back to something I became conditioned to believe.

What I think I need now is a very good therapist who can help me to overcome the abuse. I quit my therapist who never validated me. I told him I am not coming back.

And yes, you're right - it sounds absurd to blame yourself when someone else is mean to you. In my head I know that this has everything to do with the other person, and nothing to do with me, when that happens. But inwardly, I may blame myself nonetheless for something like that, and I will question myself.

I think abuse makes you question yourself on everything. This is now my work ahead - to undo the harm that has been done to me.

So, my husband is flying to California to be with his sick mother and his one living brother. He has no money to even take an uber ride to the airport, and no money to support himself while he is in California. He asked me if he keep pay less rent this month - I said no. He asked me if I could cover him for his trip and he will pay me back - I said no.

I told him I am no longer covering for him and that he has to figure this out on his own. Can't he borrow from his brother?

I also told him he treats me like a bank account. I have. been covering for him every single month practically and as of late - at least in the last 6 months or so, I would say. He would run out of money during the month, so he would have to borrow from me to get by. He always paid me back, once he got paid himself.

But this situation never made me happy. I know it comes down to him always living life beyond his means, which has consistently been an issue. And I am tired of it. I have covered for him, allowing this, each and every month. I gave up on trying to talk to him about saving his money and not overspending. He is impossible in this area.

I am glad I put my foot down and drew a boundary, but I feel slightly bad for doing so. I know I should not feel bad for drawing a boundary. At this point, we are not together, so why should I continue covering for him financially? He's going to have to figure this out on his own.

I guess this is a part of codependency? I have rescued him and have tried to fix him, all to my own detriment. I want to break out of this.

Yes I’d say it’s probably connected to the emotional abuse in your childhood. You are very likely right that’s why you feel bad about drawing boundaries too. You likely came to associate love with abusive behaviour. How can you be to blame for that?

It sounds like an excellent plan to get a good therapist skilled in childhood emotional abuse/codependency.