Looking for validation

I read this word in many threads written by posters.
Not only by word but also by behaviours, reactions…

I’m being very honest, as I am often, when asking what these people mean with validation.
I ask this question because I don’t find any sense to ask for such a thing, but the reality is such.

From Oxford dictionary:
Validation “ recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. “

And what happens if you find replies in a different sense?

When someone has experienced a toxic person, they have been repeatedly invalidated.

However, behaviors are not always black and white. Thank god there are individuals that have a desire to study and learn instead of just assuming and mistreating instead of understanding and helping.

We have been slowly gaining ground on understanding that not all human brains are wired the same. We have been able to identify behavior patterns that we lable. Some of which are dyslexia, adhd, autism, Aspergers, ocd, to name a few. All are reflecting certain types of brain wiring.

When I think of validation I think about a documentary that was made after many years of Yale’s study on dyslexia and how different individuals that have it navigate despite how their dyslexia challenges them making it harder to learn. My daughter has dyslexia and was a participant in that study. And when she sat and watched this documentary which explained the challenge and how it affected different individuals she wept. She sat and watched her personal challenges VALIDATED.

There is a tendency to make things black and white. However, the truth is that there is often a lot of gray. Important things that deserve consideration before quickly afixing a label and punishment.

That being said, what my daughter also was deeply moved by in seeing that documentary was not just validation but also finally experiencing witnesses to many challenging experiences. Sadly those who are ignorant are quick to condemn and punish.

Not sure if I can really say much to be helpful, but I'm definitely always looking for validation. I try not to be like that, but I'm unconfident and insecure. I also tend to always see other people's point of view. So for example, if I'm in a conflict with someone, I'll still see their side of things and then not really be sure if I'm allowed to be angry. So I tend to go to other people, describe the scenario, including what I think the other person is thinking, and ask if I should be angry or not. It's a huge relief when an objective party validates me. Then from there, I won't be clear on how angry I'm really allowed to be. Again, I'll talk it over with close friends or family--how angry am I allowed to be? For how long? What's "reasonable"? Maybe for me, it's about always wanting to have "reasonable" reactions to situations?

I didn’t believe that this topic was going to bring out so many questions to myself. I guess this is what learning consists of: Asking questions to oneself and asking question to others.

All you are saying have lots of sense so I’m gonna take a time to wait for others replies while at the same time I think of these questions I’m myself wondering.

Thank you so much both. 👍

Validation is an agent of healing.

I found after growing up in a dysfunctional family (parents) for 21 years & then landing in a marriage with a dysfunctional husband for another 33 years that when I finally got a good therapist who I totally trusted the opinion of, I found in our discussions that I did need validation that the reactions I had throughout my life to the dysfunction in my life were actually normal & reasonable reactions. I had confidence enough to fight the dysfunction but it made life a real struggle because it seemed like I was in constant battle. Also it was good to know that my reaction to a final trauma that hit me was normal too along with the strength I had to leave all that crap behind after my parents died. I knew what I did was right for me all along but I did need to know if anyone else thought so who was actually trained in analyzing human behavior.

Yes, Bill3, validation was important for the final healing & integrating my past with my present to know if there were past behavior foundations that I needed to change. Realized I needed to adapt technique but the foundational thinking was right on.

This validation information also helped me realize just how dysfunctional the people I had lived with actually were & highlighted a dysfunction it created in me so I could have a good discussion with my daughter & iron out the dysfunction in our relationship

gut level validation especially when it surrounds trauma can be like breathing air for the first time

First of all, thank you very much for all your replies.
I couldn’t figure how wrong I was in my interpretation.
As I see my interpretation of the term “validation” differed from the one you all had described, I searched what it means from a psychological point of view.

I came across to three interesting articles about the topic.

The power of validation

The Power of Validation | Psychology Today

Why validation matters

Why Validation Matters: Insights from 5 Just-Published Studies | Psychology Today

Levels of validation

Easing Partner Pain: Six Levels of Validation | Psychology Today

It seems that it’s kind of support by hearing, compassion and understanding the feelings and actions by a person, according to the circumstances that take place in an event that person is going through. It has nothing to do with agreement or disagreement as I used to think.

Mea culpa, because I thought it was said in the sense of being agree or having approval.

Anyhow, I don’t consider a site like this the most appropriate to give validation in a deep level since we barely know people’s real circumstances. As much we can give some kind of support and hear the person while going through similar experiences.
To validate someone, again, in a deep and effective way, there are phycs, relatives, friends, SO.s as the right ones. I’m not dismissing online contacts but there has to be a big knowledge between them and know that the way the person lives the situation is close the a real picture.

But, this is only my personal opinion. As I understand that term support has a larger extent than the one is admitted here.

Thank you again all for your clarification. 😀👍

You can’t guess how much I understand the situation. I went through the same. My insecurity ruled every side of my life.
I’m gonna put you an example.
I love dogs and I wanted one to help me with socialisation.
My doll finally came home. Well, I had such a terror because I thought that I wasn’t gonna be able to do things well with her.
I was so wrong.

A recent example for me was holding someone who was upset and listening to what they were telling me, I didn’t say too much, I let them talk because they needed to express their pain. That was validation.

I talked with this person afterwards and they worked out their own strategies for coping while getting some gentle suggestions from me, really they knew what they needed to do they just needed to work it out themselves while being heard.

Great links thanks.

I’d like to respectfully disagree about validation being less appropriate on here - I actually have received pretty solid validation in the past from people on here. It’s actually surprised me how some people can tune in very keenly to what others are going through and validate and support through written word.

Perfect example!

I would also like to respectfully disagree with validation not being...as effective here? I am not criticizing you please dont think that but hasnt there ever been a post where you thought" Ah yes. There. I feel exactly like that"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated Great links thanks. I’d like to respectfully disagree about validation being less appropriate on here - I actually have received pretty solid validation in the past from people on here. It’s actually surprised me how some people can tune in very keenly to what others are going through and validate and support through written word.

Validation unfortunately has become weaponized in our society. That's my view from the outside looking in. From the inside looking out (for myself) I validate through demonstrated ability, meaning I work towards a goal and once achieved, I can see that I accomplished something. In terms of validation through words, I'm a bit more contained. I've learned to listen to my inner voice and discuss ideas with those closest to me, meaning my spouse and life long friends (of more than 40 years). That's a small group. Anyone outside that sphere is not anything I take stock in for validation because too many people have fallen into this 'group think' reasoning which I don't agree with. I believe everyone should be an individual, not part of a labeled group to be embraced or hated. Social media and news media have a field day with labels. To me it borders on being criminal. What society lacks is tolerance, which is why validation has become so weaponized. Its become this rigid notion of you're either with me or against me and I don't believe in that thinking. I can dislike an idea but not the person who accepts it or presents it. Having differences to me will always be a good thing because it just means there's other ideas out there for each person to consider. Its a tough world to live in if you're a young person today, because that notion of validation has sharp drop offs with people who reject you from knee jerks reactions. I've learned through my life that validation must come from within, hence the example I gave. If you have to find it in this current environment, that's going to be a rough road to travel.

This is something that I know well but can't do. It feels like the death of me. I just feel so alone - And have trouble connecting to family (Who are the most important). I looked for validation online in the past and it was pure emptiness - The unbearable type.

My therapist said that getting to the point where you can "self validate" is an important place to get to. Looking for validation externally usually is an indication of less self confidence in yourself & your action & responses to situations.

I always thought I would need my T to run things by but I found out, I was making good
healthy choices & when I realized I was finally doing well, I just didn't return to therapy. I now have good trusted friends I can talk some things through with & self-validation has become much easier. Not rationalization of bad choices, but validation of good ones

I think having people in my life who do listen and validate has helped me self validate, it’s become a natural habit/thought pattern if that makes sense.

I was trying to think of something I wanted to add, and you said it perfectly here. "Validation has been weaponized."

I'm never going to argue with someone who just wants/needs validation that it's not okay for them to feel how they feel. It seems to me that people who need a lot of validation were often told, either growing up or in a significant relationship, that their feelings were wrong and/or didn't matter. So they feel ashamed when they feel anything but happy, and they need to know it's okay to feel however they feel - even when something makes them mad or any negative emotion, especially.

Personally, I feel it's an issue in terms of growth and recovery if a person only ever wants validation and never wants to learn how to (a) self-validate and accept their own emotions without needing others' approval and (b) address the underlying issues and responses that make them need validation. It irks me to no end giving endless validation and biting my tongue when someone isn't really working on recovery.

But, and this is the big but, that's how I feel about it, and that's okay, but my feelings about it don't matter. And that's the point. It's totally okay for me to feel that way about validation, and not to force "growth and recovery" on anyone else. If someone only wants validation and that's all they want to get, that's A-okay. I can feel how I feel about that and still only provide validation. I'm not wrong for feeling how I feel, and they aren't wrong for needing what they need.

And, furthermore, it's not my place to force upon anyone, online or IRL, what I think they should do to feel better.

So, that's all to say, if someone says they just need validation, then that's what I will do. I feel like people hide behind validation and weaponize it, as Embracingtruth said, but it's not my place nor does it benefit anyone for me to challenge that unless the person has actually asked to be challenged.

We can feel however we want to feel about "validation only" and still only give validation.

What I have learned recently is that toxic/narcissistic individuals are in constant need of validation. Their ego is in constant need to be fed so they often actually are drawn to or create drama in order to feel relevant. They like to create drama where they can become the center of attention. They develop their skills differently from a young age where they slowly learn techniques to stand out. They often get very good at drawing people into their poor me drama.

So in effect, they weaponize “in need of validation” as a tool for manipulation.

Well, while that is true, I find it unfair to point out any specific disorder. LOTS of disorders make people need a lot of validation - PTSD, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, I mean basically all anxiety disorders...I mean even people without actual full-fledged disorders but recovering from abuse can need a lot of validation, even constant.

The last thing I want to do is to make people feel like they can't get validation here or that their requests for validation are somehow wrong. That's why I said that I can feel how I feel about constant validation, and still provide it constantly.

I wish I could just tell each and every person who posts needing validation that it doesn't matter what they are feeling. Feelings don't have right or wrong. You just feel that way. And you actually can't control how you feel about something when it happens. Don't judge yourself for your feelings. You feel how you feel. And it's no one's place to judge that.

Allow yourself to actually feel how you feel. ANd recognize that you can feel how you feel but not act on it or act opposing to how you feel because your feelings aren't your actions. I can be angry and not act on my anger.

Also, some people (myself included) may need constant validation until they get to a place where they feel confident enough in themselves and their own feelings that they can begin to learn to trust themselves and self-validate. That can take years, especially if they are still in the environment causing it, and some people may only make small progress (although even that small progress is worth it because you can feel so much better even with a small amount of self confidence and ability to self validate).

YES! I agree with you and my first response was about how I had to learn about my child’s special needs so I could help her learn how SHE learns. I actually advocated for her right up into college so she would be helped instead of disrespected. That was thirty years ago that I had to advocate and Yale did not put out the documentary until my daughter was finishing her last year of college.

I agree with you in that individuals can have valid reasons for struggling and deserve to have their challenges be validated.

The last thing I want to do is to make people feel like they can't get validation here or that their requests for validation are somehow wrong. That's why I said that I can feel how I feel about constant validation, and still provide it constantly.

I wish I could just tell each and every person who posts needing validation that it doesn't matter what they are feeling. Feelings don't have right or wrong. You just feel that way. And you actually can't control how you feel about something when it happens. Don't judge yourself for your feelings. You feel how you feel. And it's no one's place to judge that
—————————————————————————————————————————
First attempt to try to copy and paste on my phone. Above is quoted from seesaw’s post.

I agree with this and agree that a person deserves to be able to share their feelings. In fact, I have been one to listen and support others and yet can have difficulty sharing myself. I have learned in therapy that I have most likely been exposed to too many that need their feelings take priority and do not know how to listen and allow others to feel. My father unknowingly taught me this because if you wanted to talk to him, it was safest to get him to talk about himself.

I was thinking about your question Azul, and how to answer it.

I came upon this reply

and because I'm ''lazy'' (and tired) tonight I'm going to agree with Bill and not write a long post.

Well, there is a thin line between 'validation' and 'denial'. Some people use their need for validation in an attempt to keep going the same way they are going, however destructive that is to them and/or to others (e.g. if children are involved). They do not want and absolutely refuse to hear any other perspective. That is dangerous.

Example: someone living with a cheating spouse and making excuse to keep staying... someone living with an abuser and angry whenever anyone suggests looking at the relationship etc.

I would respect these posters asking for validation and won't respond if I disagreed. But I will most certainly not lie and post on these threads just to validate a choice that I believe is unhealthy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive. Well, there is a thin line between 'validation' and 'denial'. Some people use their need for validation in an attempt to keep going the same way they are going, however destructive that is to them and/or to others (e.g. if children are involved). They do not want and absolutely refuse to hear any other perspective. That is dangerous. Example: someone living with a cheating spouse and making excuse to keep staying... someone living with an abuser and angry whenever anyone suggests looking at the relationship etc. I would respect these posters asking for validation and won't respond if I disagreed. But I will most certainly not lie and post on these threads just to validate a choice that I believe is unhealthy.

Agree with you 100%. Refuse to vakidate anything I don't believe in & so at that point, they only get the point if view they want to hear to make them feel better