Looking for validation

@Rive. When it’s online often you don’t get all the facts so it can be harder. For example you may be unknowingly supporting someone who has addiction or AUD problems and is in denial. Often that can be recognized IRL, but missed online. There are times where you just don’t get the whole story online. All social media can be like that.

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes @Rive. When it’s online often you don’t get all the facts so it can be harder. For example you may be unknowingly supporting someone who has addiction or AUD problems and is in denial. Often that can be recognized IRL, but missed online. There are times where you just don’t get the whole story online. All social media can be like that.

Nothing requires us to validate if we disagree with their point of view on tje facts they do give. If I have doubt & validation is all they want then no reply, othetwise challenge the thinking in as diplomatic way as I can, hopefully planting a seed of thought that there are other ways of looking at it

@eskielover you are very good at offering a different perspective. Not everyone can step back and give your advice some thought. Some people can insist on maintaining their illusions and that’s when it’s best to withdraw.

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes @eskielover you are very good at offering a different perspective. Not everyone can step back and give your advice some thought. Some people can insist on maintaining their illusions and that’s when it’s best to withdraw.

Exactly & that is what I do instead of continuing to try to get my thought across. If clarification discussion is continued I will respond but most of the time just withdraw because otherwise I am wasting everyone's time

Validation involves much more than simply verbally agreeing with what someone has done.

A deeper, more meaningful, and more helpful concept of validation involves validating the person, whatever they decide, through understanding, compassion, acceptance, support, nonjudgment.

The following comments are all validating. Notice that none of these comments involve approving of some decision that the person has made.

********

I'm here for you.

Call me anytime.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Can you tell me more about what you are feeling?

What is going through your mind right now?

It sounds like you are trying to figure out what is best for your children.

These are hard decisions.

You still can see some good in your boyfriend.

It sounds like you are afraid that if you leave, you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Of course you are worried about what you can afford on your own.

It's scary to stay, but also for you it sounds scary to leave.

I know you can figure out what is best.

I have confidence in you.

This is an excellent post in my opinion. In practice for most of us it’s not instinct to hold back from judging. But our judgement is just that - our judgment no one else’s. Even if it comes from a place of care judgement is often not what’s needed when someone is coping with complex situations.

Most people need time to process in their own way and come to their own decisions- only they can do this. Validation such in the way Bill describes can play a part by giving someone the space and the reflection to process their thoughts.

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Originally Posted by Bill3 Validation involves much more than simply verbally agreeing with what someone has done. A deeper, more meaningful, and more helpful concept of validation involves validating the person, whatever they decide, through understanding, compassion, acceptance, support, nonjudgment. The following comments are all validating. Notice that none of these comments involve approving of some decision that the person has made. ******** I'm here for you. Call me anytime. I'm so sorry for your pain. Can you tell me more about what you are feeling? What is going through your mind right now? It sounds like you are trying to figure out what is best for your children. These are hard decisions. You still can see some good in your boyfriend. It sounds like you are afraid that if you leave, you will be alone for the rest of your life. Of course you are worried about what you can afford on your own. It's scary to stay, but also for you it sounds scary to leave. I know you can figure out what is best. I have confidence in you.

IRL, I have tried the "I am here for you" & "call me any time" but many times people who need serious validation don't have a clue about what boundaries are. Then when you aren't there for their 3am calls every night because you are enforcing yiur own boundaries, they get angry because you said "any time". I refuse to even open the door to that kind of validation

Agree! My first visit to a psychologist was a great relief because I understood I was not alone and I wasn’t do rare as I thought since a person was able to understand me and saw there are other people with similar problems to me.

Now, said that, validation (always understood with that wide meaning from a psychological point of view- I have to make this clear, because there’s another more common meaning that we are always know and that is a little different), well, as I said, sometimes validation itself falls short in what a support regards. It has been mentioned before some of these cases, but again, as I stated in one of my first posts, you need to know the person or at least all the circumstances the person are within.
Sometimes, a person talks too much online that you can connect the dots and you know.

Personally, I have received validation from many people but I’ve also received an ears pull and they have been both very useful. What I wanted? Validation. What was best for me at that moment? Maybe the last one.

If you are in denial, if you are constantly playing the victim role, looking for excuses, or even being deceitful. You are not gonna find validation on my part. No way.

P.S: Discom, Forgot this quote.
I wasn’t specifically referring to you. Only agreeing with the power of healing when you see than someone else can understand you.

Today, I’m a bit clumsy with the net. As usual. lol!

My first visit to a psychologist was a great relief because I understood I was not alone and I wasn’t do rare as I thought since a person was able to understand me and saw there are other people with similar problems to me.

Now, said that, validation (always understood with that wide meaning from a psychological point of view- I have to make this clear, because there’s another more common meaning that we all know and that is a little different), well, as I said, sometimes validation itself falls short in what a support regards. It has been mentioned before some of these cases, but again, as I stated in one of my first posts, you need to know the person or at least all the circumstances the person are within.
Sometimes, a person talks too much online that you can connect the dots and you know.

Personally, I have received validation from many people but I’ve also received an ears pull and they have been both very useful. What I wanted? Validation. What was best for me at that moment? Maybe the last one.

If you are in denial, if you are constantly playing the victim role, looking for excuses, or even being deceitful. You are not gonna find validation on my part. No way.

I wonder why a person asks for validation in the first place. It seems to me that this is something you expect to get but why asking for?

Thank you for all the insight you are all offering. 👍💖

@eskielover YES! I agree 100%. I found that my good nature in stating those first two statements of Bill’s ended up with my becoming an emotional dumping ground. It put me on an unhealthy person’s patsy list.

From a psychological point of view, it involves everything but being agree or not. This is not required from what I’ve learnt in this thread.
Only point it out this mistake.

Another question. Does a person deserve validation when they themselves are unable of giving this validation to others?
I don’t know. I wonder.
A person who hypothetically treats the rest people as crap? Isn’t that validation lacking of meaningful or support?

Spinning off this and other comments prior to it: I think there are two different things that we are talking about too.

1. Validating how someone feels
2. Validating someone's actions

There is no agree or disagree with someone's feelings. We feel how we feel. Emotions just are. They aren't right or wrong. If something happens and you feel a certain way, then that's just how you feel. It's not right or wrong. If someone posted "I feel this way. Is that right or wrong?" I will always validate them because emotions just are.

But if someone describes an action they took and then says "I need validation/support that I did the right thing." And I disagree with their actions or behavior, then I agree with others, I would abstain from commenting. I also dislike these kinds of questions because it sets up an echo chamber for the person. But I'm not going to disrespect their request if they only want to hear from people who agree with them.

But as I said in my previous post, it's not my place, nor is it helpful to force people into a place of recovery they aren't ready for yet. And people really have a hard time dealing with the fact that the hard work of recovery is on them - your abuser won't fix yourself for you. It sucks, but that's how it is.

I will say "call me anytime" to people who I am actually willing to provide that kind of support. And that's not a lot of people. I have very close friends who, if they need me in the middle of the night, yes, I will be there. But they have also been there for me in the middle of the night, and we are close. I have learned to set boundaries with people who are new friends or more of social friends (versus like the people who know all the details of my trauma, etc.) and limit their access to me. Like I would never say "call me anytime" to them.

I think in any moment we are offering support or thinking of offering support, we have to consider our own boundaries and what we are comfortable with. And that will be different for each of us. And it's all valid.

Yes. People are at different places in their journeys of healing. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.

My personal response to that is we should choose who we give our time to according to whether we feel we want to. Maybe others will disagree.

It would depend of course on the situation.

This might tie in with some comments others have made about others not respecting their boundaries and expecting them to listen while never giving anything in return.

I gave examples of validating statements.

More limited validations are possible. One should not say "Call me any time" if one does not mean or want that.

Validation is a free choice. The way in which one chooses to validate, or chooses not to validate, in any given situation is up to each person.

For myself, your initial question is too general to give a universal answer. What a person thinks they (or someone else) "deserves" is subjective because so much of that is wrapped in emotional assessments that can be tied to our personal history and experiences. That in turn can easily interlock with a belief or need to be validated for that feeling we have.

The hypothetical you offer as a general idea for "underserved validation" is not something I would deem as an honest expression. As a rule, I do not reward bad behavior regardless of its application in the moment.

If I observe someone validating a person as you describe, my initial thoughts are to not take that support as sincere, but rather a form of pandering to cater to something they want. Red flags always go up for me if I observe validation ill placed. Go on any given news channel and listen to the "experts" validate the words and actions of public figures most would never deem acceptable. That's an easy example but applicable here.

Validation is a tool for assisting in healing. The more hurt and dysfunctional a person is, the more that person is in need of the tools of healing.

In my view, all hurting people, by the fact of their being human, deserve the opportunity to heal. I myself might not choose to be the one to provide that opportunity, and they might choose not to accept it, but all deserve to have the opportunity available to them, in my view.

One would not validate their treating people like crap. One would listen and observe until one found something that is valid in what they are doing or feeling. One would then acknowledge and validate that.

I really appreciate your posts Bill on this subject, for me this is quite pertinent at the moment as there’s someone I was very close friends with who has had a lot of hurt but has not consistently treated others well (they believe others actions justify this, I don’t agree).

I have instinctively done as you said, validating where appropriate only but it’s been difficult to know how to handle situations where they haven’t behaved kindly to others. I have stayed silent so far but I’m unsure if I’m doing the right thing doing so.

Sorry, I hope I’m not derailing this topic.

@Discombobulated when you observe this step back a bit. You may be seeing a toxic side to a person they usually mask or conceal. Toxic people can play the victim really well and actually get others to follow them and enable them. Alcoholics/addicts are especially skilled at this as well as narcissists.

Thanks Open Eyes, I’ve seen some traits in this person which I do think are possibly narcissistic (I hate even thinking this about them ) and yet they have a caring side too. It feels complex, there’s a lot of drama around this person and I’m sadly noticing it follows them where they go.

Stepping back sounds good advice, I’m instinctively doing this I find.

If you want to play a role, a good possibility would be to consistently acknowledge and encourage this caring side.

Only if you want to!

Thanks, that’s what I’m doing so far - hoping that’s the right thing.

I only do it until I realize my own peace is being disrupted. When that happens, I am outta there. Putting up with major crap even with good, gets old after 54 years of dealing with it. I take care of me first & if that means walking away from those who constantly create an inbalance in my peace....that is my choice. I no longer have toletance for that & I don't need validation from others for my thinking wondering if I am right or wrong.