Being someone who is supposed to wait for others to initiate contact

I've always HATED the question, implying our identities are people are tied up with what we DO. Very hard for the unemployed. There's way more to a person than what their paycheck is for.

Your former friend obviously didn’t respect your boundaries. Some people deliberately test your boundaries & violate them if you don’t enforce them. They don’t want you to have boundaries as they want to be able to gaslight, control, manipulate & disrespect you.

One former friend of mine was a huge control freak. She tried to control me by telling me how to act & think properly out of ‘concern’. She claimed that she wanted to hrlp me ‘fir in’ & be ‘liked’ by never telling people the word no. She said it’s ‘rude’ to be direct & honest.

She says it hurts people le feelings & that I needed to become a butt kissing people pleaser line her if I ever wanted anyone to like & accept me

My honesty made her uncomfortable, so she yried hard to gaslight & manipulate me She used my insecurities against me by telling me that her other friends don’t like it when I don’t want to play the boring & hard strategy games that they do.

She even accused me of ‘ruining’ a game I played for just a few minutes. I gave up since it was hard & extremely boring too. Thst’s ridiculous!

She pressured me into trying to play these boting games instead of the party games. I resented her for that. She told me that I meed other people but they don’t need me.

I proved her wrong as she desperately needed me to gossip about this former friend every single day for sn hour over the phone! It was to much! O one else wanted to lusten to her repeat the same stories!

Another mutual friend was annoyed by her too & found her to be to needy, needing way to much attention & validation, thought she was fame, lacked empstht, was to gossippy, to nosy, tslked to mu ch, repeated herself to much & that she thought she was to intrusive & controlling too.

She kicked her out of the game group after me for not wanting to conform to the group’s unspoken rules to never say anything ‘negative’ abour her .

She would constantly interrupt & talk over me even when I told her yo please not do that. She krpt doing it. I didn’t let her suffer the consequences for bad behavior at first.

I just yelled at her instead of ignoring her. She stopped listening to me talk once I established boundaries. Then she a cused me of bring intolerant if her quirks when I set boundaries & camled them ‘restrictions’. lol.

She was obviously gaslighting me. She thought that I’m naieve, gullible & extremely stupid since I wasn’t as smart as her in most ways

I’m not stupid, but she thought I was since I’m not a super nerdy type like she is, lol.

She lost teo genuinely nice people by trying to control us.

Absolutely.

I don't know how I could enforce anything as I couldn't predict or control what hurtful things came out of her mouth. And in hindsight I see how uncomfortable she was with deeper stuff or feelings, which is part of what a genuine friendship is. One time I was in such distress and had no one to call but her. She asked me what books am I reading! Was it to distract me or her?!

Another former "friend" was always gaslighting me by invalidating me and saying stuff like "You just have to believe ________" Or "Oh well that's not so bad." The former statement was to end an uncomfortable subject and the latter was to invalidate me. Note the word "JUST" in the former, like it's that simple. Just believe and it will work. That's toxic positivity.

She was always projecting stuff onto other people, such as giving advice because SHE likes advice. And SHE liked playing this game a certain way, to earn more points, so she'd tell me (and others) how to play HER way to earn more points because it was important to HER. Even when I told her I don't care about points, I'm just playing the game for FUN. I'm not competitive but she sure is.

I don't know why we all went along with her. HER day/time, HER rules, HER way. Looking back I was only able to take her in small doses and that's not good. I don't miss her. A friend is someone I feel safe with, someone to be myself with---warts and all. That wasn't her. Not by a long shot.

I watched a Dr. Phil episode on the "loneliness epidemic" in the US and some poll said over 60% of adults in this country say they are lonely. (I don't know about other countries but wonder)I can't stand him but wanted to hear what his guests and the audience has to say. This is including those with family and friends. They still feel unable to connect. Many go online for a substitute friend, because they find it easier to talk to strangers on a screen than real life people. It's especially common among the young! And his guests were young people.

American culture is shallow in my opinion anyway. It's about consumption and productivity. Look how hard it is for a work/life balance or to find support on grief, anxiety, divorce, finances, etc., any of life's crap and there's plenty of it.

Not sure if consolation is the right word, but I get SOME consolation hearing how common it is. And ghosting too.

Lately I wonder so much about people around me, wondering if they are lonely: The person in front of me at the grocery store, the person next to me on the treadmill, the neighbor in the laundry room, the mail carrier, the person next to me waiting to across the street too, etc. etc.

When I see so many people on their phones, I wonder if they are texting an acquaintance or a close friend? And if they are reading something, is it a message or just a news article? I keep thinking how does this happen that I'm not getting any messages except from scammers? I get calls or texts from scammers or telemarketers everyday, but I wish so much it was from REAL friends.

I get SO FEW calls at home that I literally jump when it rings! Sometimes I make sure I still have a dial tone.

I was thinking how this pen pal took a year to write back. I don't even see the point of writing back at all, and it's just a short note really. It took me a minute to read and probably that long for her to write it.

Back in 2020 the senior center started a (paper) pen pal program with the local Girl Scout troop. It was a diversion and so I've been writing to this girl since then. She started out writing regularly then it tapered off more and more, until a whole year goes by. I'm going to tell her it's okay if she's not into it anymore, just let me know.

I don't want to waste stamps or time writing to someone that sees me as such as low priority, a year goes by. I know she's a teenager and at that age I wouldn't know what to write either. But I wouldn't wait a year. Intentional or not, I don't want to spend effort on something of which there's no reciprocity. After the last 3 years I just don't have the emotional bandwidth for this kind of thing anymore.

The other girl wrote to me just 3 times in 2 years, and now I haven't heard from her in almost 2 years! Of course I long gave up and forgot about her. But this other one still writes------TECHNICALLY.

Yep anytime I took the initiative, it was a one sided friendship and some people even saw that as a form of clinginess or not being able to take the hint. I have a very strong BS meter now, I listen to it way more than I used to. I did have those gut feelings a long time ago but I didn't listen to it, I would always write those feelings off as paranoia and learned the hard painful way like you did. That's why I no longer initiate contact, I don't sit in a corner at a social event acting all mopey but at the same time I'm not going to just go up to people and start talking to them until the approach me first.

Yeah same here, I dislike awkward silences even if I know the person well.

I completely agree, even asking for people's phone numbers can come off as needed or too eager. I don't even ask for people's numbers anymore unless I absolutely have to which is usually just for work related situations, even then I hate doing it. If people want me to have their number, they can approach me first which is very rare and usually it's for work related reasons. I don't trust people anymore either, I don't want people seeing me as clingy so I just wait.

Same here. We are pushed to "get out there" but people can sense if you're forcing it and will think you're clingy. Yeah, BS meter or radar. Some have it more developed than others, mainly due to painful experiences. Supposedly experience is the "best teacher" but must it be so painful?


For me there's such a thing as a comfortable silence. It's only with people I know well and those who are comfortable with silence. Not everyone is. Sometimes silence speaks more than words; I'm not one to have to be talking constantly. And there's such a thing as non-verbal communication, where both parties or people want to be silent and reflective.


I've had the opposite happen where the other person wanted to exchange numbers, then THEY are the ones who don't return my call or act like "Why are you calling me?" when it was THEIR idea anyway.

Yesterday my social worker suggested I take this class at this park to meet people and make friends. I literally laughed HARD, laughed and laughed. Been there and done that. a) I don't want to take Tai Chi b)I hate that park and saw more than enough of it in 2020, when in lockdown c) It's a matter of luck if one makes a friend. People could be there just for the class, not to make friends. Anyway it has to be natural and not forced.

Like you said people will sense you're there to try to make friends. And given my recent experiences, my trust level is zilch. I've told her this already but nothing I say to anyone seems to sink in.

Boy, I wish I had your wisdom when I was your age. I probably wouldn't be posting this.

If the approach is too intense, this might spark someone to pull away or get freaked out. Someone approached me the other day for example and told me their whole life story and personal problems ( as I am someone who is occasionally suffering myself) I felt drained and pulled away from the conversation.

A good thing to know about people is that not all are judging you, sometimes people are just going through things in life that can't be prevented. The same could be said for someone who you are interested in romantically, the timing probably just isn't right and the same thing applies. I would not recommend waiting around for anyone either, you are putting your life on hold just for someone else. Does this sound right to you? if someone came up to you and said they were going to wait around for however long it takes to be approached? You kind of have to pull yourself out of this frame of mind.

I have been there myself and it is absolutely soul wrenching. Life is far too short, it really is, it is a waste of time, energy. Have you ever heard of the saying ''what is meant for you won't miss you'' Friendships and relationships will come automatically when you are living life.

LOVE the running cheetah avatar! Fastest animal on land.

The person who really vented on you was probably hoping to make a connection. That's how most people (I think) attempt to connect, by sharing something personal. It's a real risk to make oneself vulnerable like that.

I don't believe in the "meant to be" mindset, which applies our destiny is already mapped out. Yet we are told we are in control of our lives and nothing ventured, nothing gained. If some people are "meant" to have all these friends and others are not, what's up with that?? Why not them?

What I've heard repeatedly is "Things happen for a reason." It's really the cruelest thing to say to anyone in crisis. It's repeated so much it's accepted as FACT. It's destiny. It's a "good thing" that it sucks now.

I guess it's a balancing act. It also takes a lot of time and energy to invest in a potential friendship only to have NO reciprocity or the person/people turn out to be superficial or substandard. Honestly I'm out of gas now (to use the tank of gas in a car analogy). I don't even have any fumes left. I've tried and tried, SO HARD and you don't know the half of it. I have other stuff that I have to use my energy on and can't do both. Just don't have the bandwidth, to use a WiFi analogy.

It's advice, person can either take it or leave it at the end of the day. its still better than believing that some people are just ''destined to wait around'' as the initial poster asking for the advice stated. Good luck to ya

In terms of comfortable silence with someone I know, I'm perfectly okay with that as well. There are a select few people where I can be silent with them in their presence and it doesn't bother me, it's part of being an introvert. Also I've had people take the initiative to exchange phone numbers only for them to get annoyed when I text them, it's why I no longer text someone first even if they take the initiative to exchange numbers unless I absolutely have to. Yeah people can catch on when you're not being authentic and honestly I've seen this happen with extroverts too, I'll observe an extrovert trying to insert themselves in a conversation and I can usually tell when their presence isn't welcomed among others but the extrovert appears to be oblivious about it.

Honestly that person was probably trying to make a connection and made a big mistake in the process. No one wants to hear a person they just met vent about all their issues and I've been there myself as well. That's how I learned what's the social norm and what's not that's why I never vent at all whatsoever. I know it's not wise to just wait around but sometimes it appears to be the best and only option.

I agree, it's definitely a balancing act since you don't want to come off as too cold but you don't want to seem too eager either. It's an act I've mastered over the years, I don't stand there and act unapproachable but I don't just walk up to a random person and be like "hey how's it going" as if we already knew each other.

Gosh it looks like something I posted. Fellow introverts are certainly more comfortable with silence. After 30 years I still remember a guy I used to date who was so uncomfortable with silence! If I wasn't talking he'd ask what am I thinking about. It got to be so annoying. 10 years later I met someone who was perfectly comfortable with silence. As a matter of fact, someone he met just once ghosted him because he didn't talk enough on the first date! Well it takes time to get used to someone new, especially if an introvert.

Extroverts always butt into conversations and interrupt too, which is rude. I'm not sure but heard since introverts are in touch with their feelings, we have more empathy for others and pick up on non-verbal clues.

I can't say I never vent but will about something not personal, like how I had trouble getting through to customer service at the bank or something like that. Hopefully something most people would relate to.

You're right sometimes waiting is the best option, depending on the circumstances. Honestly I'm literally exhausted from chasing after people.


Unfortunately I don't think I mastered it and what little I did went out the window the last 3 years. (3 years?!!) My bs radar is rusty, due to the mostly isolation of the last 3 years. If I'm not around people or even talking to them, I get out of practice.

I think I posted that here or in a similar thread so sorry if repeating myself. It's just this subject is something I'm so adamant about: Communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It reminds me of that line from the song "Games People Play."

You said earlier about COVID and weird people, how they got weirder. I agree. There's always been weird people. But COVID made them even weirder, or made people weird who weren't that way before. This virus didn't just make people physically sick. It hit people mentally too.

And on that note, I'd have lost my mind years ago if not finding out others have similar experiences. That way I know it's not just me and it's a relief.

Putting my hand up, I think I got weirder - well more withdrawn anyway. On the surface I don’t appear to be but I definitely am doing less socially because I don’t want to. I wouldn’t reject anyone who came forward as a friend however.

I agree about being comfortable with occasional silences - to me it’s a sign of being at ease but some people can’t bear it and they jump to fill it. Often my brain is still processing stuff already said.

Same here, in some ways. I do want to do more socially but it has to be with the right people in the right places. And inexpensive. That's the hard part. I don't need more acquaintances, and what connections I thought I had weren't that at all. And it took COVID to bring that to light. If it didn't happen, I'd probably still think they were friends.

Yep introverts are definitely more in tune with their emotions, they seems to pick up on social cues better. It really is rude to interject yourself into conversations, not to sound rude but I've seen extroverts do that and some honestly seemed oblivious or just didn't care about the fact that they were clearly not wanted and they tend to assume friendships are closer than they really are which I used to have that problem at one point so I'm more understanding in that aspect.

In that aspect, yes I've become more socially withdrawn too. I started withdrawing after I learned some pretty painful lessons and of course Covid didn't help, I would never reject a friendship with someone else though.

Yes it's a good trait to have and I think it gives us an advantage.

Interrupting and talking over someone is similar or maybe the same. I think the latter is when someone talks at the same time you're talking, while an interruption might give you a few seconds before they butt in.

I bring it up because people do the latter a lot to me and I have to say "I'm talking" and they SHUT UP. Can't they see my lips moving?? It was really hard wearing masks because I have a soft voice but we're unmasked now. So SHUT THE EFF UP!!!!!!

Yep introverts definitely have an advantage in terms of reading social cues.

This is a bit off topic but still among the lines of people calling as they said they would. My hairdresser said in February she’s going out of town either in March and April but not sure for how long. She said she’d call everyone letting them know so they could see her before she leaves or wait until she returns.

Well I waited and waited, then called last week as it was mid April. She said “Oh I changed my mind, I’m going in May.” Well she SHOULD have told me. Thankfully she wasn’t booked for the rest of April as my hair is getting too long, lol.

Anyway even though I think she should have told me, it’s not a deal breaker. She has reasonable fees, does good work, and is close to home. So I’m letting it go, plus I don’t feel like looking for another hairdresser again. It seems this is how people are.

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Yeah that is annoying, I know they're probably not required to say anything but it would've still been nice to inform you. Yeah I wouldn't cut someone off just because they did that once or twice, now if it became a serious habit and it had some effect on you then a change would be necessary.

Yeah it was not professional and happened just once.

But I quit going to another hairdresser because she was always late or forgot about our appointment altogether. She never even apologized when late or explain. Her excuses, when given (rare), were lame. When I said I won’t come back because this has happened multiple times, she grabbed her purse and stormed out of the salon.

Another one didn’t show nor call to say she has to cancel. She later claimed an emergency and she was distracted. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt as these things do happen. So I gave her another chance and guess what, she pulled that again! She even confirmed it the night before! She didn’t apologize again as she knew it was pointless and I’m already looking for someone else again.

I’ve had a hard time finding someone and now that I’ve done that, I’ll keep going to this one unless she pulls the same crap. I don’t think she will because I told her about my previous ones and why I left them. They both did good work but I need them to be on time and have professional courtesy to call if canceling or running late…..

Thank goodness for this emoji as banging my head for real would hurt lol.

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