Will they ever???

I read an article about parentification. It stated that the parentified child keeps the family from falling apart. I wonder if my parents and siblings will ever realize that. Will they ever???

Aw, what a good soul you are. There is the chance that your parents and sibs do see you that way but aren't the kinds of people who can acknowledge it. I don't know. But at least you can look in the mirror and smile, your conscience in a good place. That's all I know.

Thank you mote.of.soul, for your kind words.Means a lot to me.

I doubt it... Honestly, they can't see a parentified child, or a scapegoat, or any other oppressive role for what it is. The more I read, the more I get the sense that they know what they are doing, but don't really "get it." Kwim? Like someone might get that they are doing something passive aggressive, and they like it, but they won't label it something negative, and in their own heads, they rationalize it. Too often, it seems like we give these people credit for being smart or clever when they're really just slinging stuff everywhere to get something to stick in a way that makes them feel better.

At least we see it. That's all that matters, right?

Once someone said to me ,I heard you took care of your sisters like a mother would.My mom jumped right in.Oh,well she raised the youngest alright.But was not perfect with the other one(The golden child),she neglected the other sibling. I asked how did I neglect the other sibling,mom?Her reply was your care was not as good as the care you provided for the youngest.Now how old was I when I couldn't provide good enough care for the golden child??FIVE YEARS OLD.A five year old couldn't provide quality childcare for her sibling, an adult is whining about that. Wow.

A lot depends on the generation and customs the parents were raised in as well as what resources were available at the time too.

I know dysfunctions can be generational.But I can assure you,both of my parents were raised in loving families.They were not parentified like I was. Both sets of grand parents were helpful if needed.So resources were available for them. Specially my maternal grandmother doted on her kids.I have seen that until she passed away.I am not sure why my parent is like that.Grandios narc,maybe?I have had relationships with my grandparents..They are really good people. At least not abusers.I sometimes think,granny doted on my mom too much,treated her like a queen of the earth. She did everything for her,worshipped the ground my mom walked on ,so to speak.My mom wanted to continue her queen status,made me the slave once I came along.

Just to give a glimpse into the life my mom had,I will tell you what my extended family told me many times.My mom found a nice job after her highschool graduation in the next town one and half hours away.My granny thought 3 hours of travel in a day and 8 hours of work will tire her delicate daughter,so she made arrangements for my mom to live in the next town.Every day granny prepped fresh meals for mom and went to next town to drop them off.She didnot want my mom to grab fast food everyday. So granny travelled 3 hours every working day.She owned a small farm and an orchard.She was highly educated and gave home tuitions for some.She worked hard and did a lot of things,but doted on her kids too.

Spoiling a child like that can create a very entitled person expecting others to carry the load.

Yep,I call it a queen complex disorder and a king complex disorder. Lol
Both my parents are infants and made me their mommy,figuratively speaking. And then made me mommy to their children born after me.Essentially a parent to everyone.AKA parentification.

It is mingbending to see that they not only not realize it was wrong to impose adult responsibility on a child,but whining about decreased quality of childcare for one of the sibling,when the parentified child is only a five year old.

Wow, you've sure dealt with a lot

The sense of entitlement she felt/feels is boggling.

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that.

Sometimes it's hard to fathom how they can possibly think like that. How they can be so self centered and unaware?

Here's a (hug) for you. Wish I could hop through the internet and give you a real one.

I am holding on to your virtual hug,dear ArmorPlate 108.Thanks a bunch.There is no normal childhood or teenage for me.That created a void in me and the pain never goes away.I try to keep myself busy but when the pain hits,it's like when it rains it pours. Thanks you for keeping in touch on this thread.

Unfortunately your grandparents unknowingly taught your mother to expect others to wait on her and inconvenience themselves for her needs.

I’m sorry because if a child is expected to do this same service it can lead to the child never really feeling appreciated

Yep,made sense.I was never enough,even though I was doing and performing like an adult wanting to please them and get validation.In their eyes the service I was providing never measured up against what my grand parents did. I never got validated and appreciated. Ironically they forgot I was just a child.

Yes I can see how you would feel like you were never enough. I’m sorry you experienced that.

I told you my grandparents were good people. My maternal grandmother visited us whenever she could.Farming and fruit orchard maintenance is very time consuming. But she visited after harvesting and fruit picking season was over.She came with produce and I always waited for her.She liked me and I used to hang around with her,since no body cared to talk to me in general. We chatted,she told me stories. But her daughter came first.I remember once my mom was trying to hit me with a pan.I held her hand tight and wouldn't let her.My mom started yelling..let go off of my hand...let go of.....But I wouldn't because I know she would beat me black and blue.My granny comes in and says oh,my you will break my daughter's hand.You ,angry little brat.She started rebuking me,got angry at me and hurled hateful derogatories.I felt so lonely at that moment. Granny proceeded to coddle her daughter,cooing for her.And rest of her visit she gave me silent treatment. It felt horrible that granny sided with her daughter even if she knew I was abused.

Oh that’s awful! Sounds like the grandmother was not willing so see her daughter in any way but positive. That must have deeply hurt and confused you.

Yep,so deeply hurt.And granny said to my mom,oh,honey, let me take a look at your hand,does it hurt bad?What a bratty daughter you are dealing with?oh,lord.And my mom smirks at me with a predatory glare.I have had nightmares for decades of that smirk and predatory eyes.

That’s like a jealous child mentality, not a caring adult. No child is capable of understanding that behavior. Narcissistic individuals have a need to stand out and be the center of attention. They don’t love and nurture. Any of that behavior is just an act, not deep and genuine.

Some people are way too immature and self absorbed to be a parent. Sadly the child ends up suffering, often for a lifetime.

Sadly,often this parent never recognizes their failings and this leaves the child having to not only grieve not being enough but being left with deep hurts and memories like you have described.

Babies have very little self awareness. Babies go through many stages of self awareness development. They also look for a loving presence, and that would be the mother’s face looking down at them smiling and talking in loving caring ways.

Human beings tend to carry this desire their entire lives which makes them susceptible to finding comfort in angels and fairy’s and any source that presents some kind of positive presence or guide. There are lots of fairy tales with happy endings but they are fairy tales and not realities.

Too many parents believe a child needs to obey and please them and be what the parent wants. This is often also what happens in child education which has slowly been changing because education is suppose to help a child learn about themselves and instead the focus has been need of perfection rather than understanding how to discover ones own talents and personal strengths.

We tend to teach children to see a glass half empty and not half full without realizing how damaging this can be.

A child can struggle with dyslexia or ADHD and have a very high IQ. These children learn differently, they are not defective. However, if they are treated as though they are defective, it can damage their self esteem and that is so wrong.

I have seen the selfishness and ignorance you are sharing that hurt you. Yes! Often the most damage happens right in the home from parents that really have no business raising a child with all the complex needs a child has.

Words of wisdom from you@Open Eyes,immature and incompetent adults who shouldn't have had kids in the first place,alright. But what boggles my mind is some of them knew what was happening and they chose to turn a blind eye.Right before that incident where my granny was insinuating I was the aggressor, sympathizing with her daughter,there was a prior incident where my mom has attacked me while I was was just sitting down coloring with my crayons out of the blue.One of her rage attacks.I was alone at my grannys place.It was so bad,I couldn't move and froze in my place until my granny came home and found me.I remember her sobbing and touching the welts on my body(I didn't see,but I am sure it was a whip).She mumbled to herself oh,my....oh,my...I know she did it.How could she ?oh,my..How can anyone do this to a little child?as she tried to nurture the wounds. So my point is she knew what could have happened if I didn't hold her hand tight.That could have been fatal.Still granny pretending like that,it's just so awful.

Oh,boy.Now I am ranting. It is spilling out more and more.Ahhhh.

It’s possible your mother had some underlying mental health condition. I watched a talk about bipolar and how these individuals can have these destructive outbursts. This can show up in early childhood and they showed these angry outbursts.

It’s possible that your grandmother experienced a lot of denial and confusion.

There were so many unknowns and often parents just did not know what to do. It’s possible your mother always had these meltdowns and her mother just passified her.