Trying to move forward

Remember: taking the bait is bad for your kids. And for you!

Don't take the bait!

As crazy as this is, I am less scared than I used to be. I am less overwhelmed.

The house needs work. We'll get there. Car needs work. We'll prioritize things by safety, and do them over the next three pay periods. My son's pay was delayed at his new job. It's OK, we have some savings and he'll pay it back as he can. I have a good chance at a new job, and have immediate opportunities to go to work on weekends to make some quick money if I have to. We're OK.

We spent yesterday evening watching family horror movies and eating junk food.

It's a good day.

Think of her as a vampire who needs to feed. That's what she's looking for- supply. If she's not getting it from you or the kids, she's not got much reason to engage.

Attention, reaction, emotions- that's the stuff she's looking for.

As tempting as it is, don't feed the beast. Even if she totally deserves it, you'll still come out looking bad. It wasn't until I fully understood the narcissist that I understood that old addage about wrestling with a pig. The pigs really do like getting dirty- they absolutely love it.

You have been and ARE very capable and you have integrity. This is something a narcissist doesn’t have and gets jealous of those that do. Instead narcissists are very insecure and USE others to get their needs met

When you were growing up, there was alcoholism and dysfunction in your parents. You began to take on a role where you often took over to keep things going. You did this with very little praise so you did not realize your true value and even felt guilt when dysfunction flaired up. This is known as codependency.

How your wife got you was in the profound compliment along with her being attractive. So you married and you set about getting skills so you could support a family. You believed you could have this perfect family and it would be different then what you grew up with.

You always had strengths and a willingness to work hard. But you married a woman that was not capable of loving you the way you loved her. Instead she was a user and her constantly changing moods left you always on edge.

Then your wife began using alcohol and became alcohol dependent. This made her even more moody to the point you never knew what to expect. Your system already knew this from how you grew up. And that old self blame came with this dynamic where it must be your fault.

This stress and anxiety is what your children developed. They began functioning in survival mode not understanding what this means. This is what creates post traumatic stress and anxiety problems.

When your wife left you and the children felt some freedom. Any time your wife came around you all began to get triggered. It is best to have one safe parent and a safe environment then to have a presence that has shifting moods that creates that constant anxious feeling.

You genuinely care about your wife, bent over backwards trying to make her happy. Yet she never cared about you that way. She would never take care of you the way you take care of others. That’s not how a person like her rolls. Even now she is not looking to love someone else, she and her friends are looking to USE.

I do want to post a reminder about ADHD and the mood swings experienced. A high percentage of individuals with ADHD do end up abusing alcohol and marijuana and other drugs. These individuals tend to struggle with producing dopamine and over 50% end up self medicating with alcohol and other drugs often developing substance abuse disorders.

When it comes to describing these individuals as narcissistic, it’s not labeling NPD. However, given the base challenge and the self medicating, there is lying, exaggerating and gaslighting to protect the ongoing addictions. Along with this is a lack of self awareness. It’s all about the addiction and high and not recognizing how the behaviors that go with the alcoholism affects others.

I bring this up because ADHD is hereditary and it’s important to pay attention so you can take steps to prevent developing addiction problems.

Education can help a lot in understanding the dynamics of what you are dealing with so you don’t end up going down the rabbit hole of self blame and emotional confusion.

I've had a few other work possibilities present themselves in the past week. By that I mean, senior people contacting me and telling me about upcoming positions with other companies and organizations, asking me to apply, and even telling me the job posting is being built to match "someone's particular skill set".

Not to be an *****, but I honestly ask myself, “What the hell were these women my wife was hanging around with thinking?” I’m a good Dad, a really good Dad. I make a good income, with really reasonable hours. I have a good pension and benefits. I’m still in good shape and good health for my age. I keep every mechanical thing at our house running. I've undertaken major repairs and renovations of our home and completed them very well. I actively tried to date my wife and made time for her. I cook a lot. I've supported my wife through illness and a ton of attempts at re-training. Like….. What more do these women think is out there in the dating pool at our age?

Actually, even as I write that I know what it is. They are both very narcissistic people. I mean that sincerely. There is a character and personality defect that you can feel off them as soon as you are around them for an hour. They aren’t looking for a relationship investment. They are looking for the constant adulation of being dated and pursued. That’s all. They don’t want, and can’t handle, being held to any accountability or expectation, so they just rely on the turnover of men in their lives.

I also wonder if this is a "misery loves company" situation, and they "sold" her on it. Of course, she wanted to be sold on it.

So, my wife will enter that life. I’m sure she’ll find men to date her because she is very physically attractive. But any man looking for a long term investment in a partner will probably recognize some red flags in her situation.

She gave up all of us for that. That makes me sick to my stomach.

The way you describe yourself, you sound very dependable and stable. Could you make yourself any more unattractive to a drama loving cluster B personality if you tried?

And if you're anything like me, you may have become overly stable over the years as a subconscious response to a constant drama storm in the household

Just remember it's not you. At least not in a bad way.

Wait a second.....

Do you mean that as I became MORE solid and reliable, I became LESS attractive to her?

@unaluna

Why you clapping??

Did I get that one right??

There is nothing there in a narcissist/alcoholic. So they become predators that feel powerful in using and discarding others.

This - wow. It just never occurred to me in just these words. Its a very powerful thought.

I just saw on your avatar,

Please don't @ mention me.

Sorry!

No problem! Yours waz such a profound post, it waz worth it.

I dont know why zs always come up instead of esses!

Yep. That's what I think anyway.

They want someone who is just unsteady enough that they can go round after round with you and dump all their emotional garbage on you anytime they feel like it. Once you are well centered, and perhaps even have other priorities (like children), you become a less available form of the drama supply they need. It must be very frustrating for them....

And remember, pretty is as pretty does.

I'm still angry. I still haven't said anything.

It's amazing, but with some tight budgeting, I continue to make financial progress on one salary, paying down debts we accumulated while she was here.

I'm quite apprehensive about her showing up here out of the blue, or bumping into her someplace. I still feel weak in those ways.

Someone who she knows made some cryptic comments to me a week or so ago, summated with "but I'm not getting in the middle of this any further and won't say more." It took me a few days of replaying what was said before I clued in that she was letting me know there was a strong possibility of infidelity. Which would make sense. My wife doesn't make enough money to pay for her rent and her groceries. Her "lifestyle" money is coming from somewhere.

So... I'm turning that one over in my mind some. I'm not as angry about that as I expected I would be. For all her talk of "strong independent woman", she isn't. It would also fit with all of her accusations of me dating and meeting other women, as if she was trying to justify what she was doing.

Yes, if she is narcissistic their MO is to accuse you of doing what they themselves are doing. So in essence they are actually telling on themselves not realizing it. The person that mentioned this to you is actually probably one of her flying monkeys.

Also, if there is some guy you already know she is just using him. This type of individual doesn’t change. They are always “users”.

Your wife likes to drink, she probably goes to bars/clubs/casinos to pick up guys. Narcissists like to hang out in places they can pick up or prey on for quick supply.

Narcissistic individuals live delusional lives.

Not a flying monkey.

It was one of the ladies who backed away from my wife and the flying monkeys several months ago because she didn't like or agree with what she was seeing.

It was comments like, "RD, she doesn't work much, and doesn't earn a lot. Where do you THINK that money is coming from? She had the money for the deposit on an apartment. Where do you THINK that money is coming from? I'm willing to bet your own finances were tapped out while she was there, so where do you THINK that money is coming from?"

Me, being dense, said, "I know right? Like.... Where is that money coming from? It doesn't make any sense."

Days later I went, "Ohhhh..... She wasn't asking me. She was leading me to draw a conclusion."

My husband and I were sitting and discussing what the busiest nights were as we owned a restaurant that had a bar and we had live entertainment. The two busiest nights were Wednesdays and Fridays. Wed is the hump day mid week and Friday is singles pick up nites. Saturday was date nite.

I have some old friends coming this weekend.

I just realized why I'm so upset today. This is my first emergence as a single person, sorta thing.

And they're coming to what used to be our home.

Not doing good right now.

Actually, these old friends may end up being very supportive and remind you that you are a good person.

Be kind to yourself, you did not fail and you are a good person and a good dad.

Hang in there.

Once you've put on your "reality goggles" you'll probably have a lot of these moments, but they will get better as you process it out of your system.

Hope you have fun with the friends who are coming to visit. You might find that the visit is more enjoyable than when she was there. The vibe may be different in a good way.

Hang in there!

Narcissistic individuals begin looking for a new supply before they are legally separated or divorced. They will also play the victim or use other methods to extort money. They stew and act out and guilt trip just to get money. As you are noticing you now have to watch your money. Often they use it to buy alcohol and fund their night out clubbing as they search for new supply.

You are devastated yet she is advertising herself searching for supply. This is how they are, never satisfied always using and creating drama.

After a while you will realize that you really are better off without her.

My wish for you RDMercer is for you to really understand your own value. But, not in a narcissistic way, instead to know you are a good man that doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately, good people tend to be the ones that get hurt and taken advantage of and often partner up with someone who doesn’t genuinely appreciate them.

Narcissistic people sew seeds of doubt so they can control you/others. They pair up for selfish reasons and no one can really ever fill their void.