Trying to move forward

You're on the right track. Manage it however you can and keep her out of the loop wherever you can.

That last line of your post about audacity is exactly what it is. Intentional. That's what makes it worse, when you realize they aren't stupid, they're mean.

You mentioned she insisted on paying that $100 back, that's what falls under the cycle I call good-boy-mode. They are so good and do the right thing, so the next thing looks unintentional. Feels unreal at times, but oh, it's a pattern.

Hang in there.

Definitely vent here instead of engaging with her. I agree with others who see this as baiting for a response. Keep in mind a narcissist likes to create drama because it gives them a sense of power.

They are USERS and will use anything they can think of to create drama, then they get to play the victim. Yes, they look for a way to triangulate by pulling another individual into the conflict. This includes even their own children.

You are new to this yet you are actually intelligent because you are realizing the importance of not reacting.

Good idea going to the bank to ask what you can do to change the way this account works. The key is to set something else up that only you can access. Pretty sure they can help you do just that.

Remember that woman who told you she had to distance from this group of women? A healthy person will not like the behaviors and overall mindset of these women. It IS toxic.

Two profound compliments is not something that one should base a relationship on. You had been knocking yourself out for years chasing more of that and it never came. Instead, you were just used and encouraged to blame yourself for whatever was wrong. Now you are beginning to see things that you need to see in order to break free and grow stronger and more confident. You are gaining ground 👍

Paying the $100 back could also be an excuse to show up in person.

She alerted me to the $100. She did partially pay it back by etransfer and I said it's no big deal.

But, it's that she did that, while transferring out other amounts, and then scooping the $180 I put in there for our daughter. It looks like she was trying to look honorable.

I had a meeting at the bank today to protect things better.

It's a small issue in the big picture. But it definitely riled me up. I expect that was partially the goal. I do think she's probably getting tight on money too.


Can anyone surmise what is in her head right now?

Because I would think it would be....

Wow. I really screwed up. My kids aren't speaking to me, I don't have a ton of my husband's money, I won't be getting support payments, living in an apartment and working a lot of hours to afford it really bites, and I'm driving an old car and I've never once even taken a car to a garage before,
and I let these nasty women sell me on all this stuff and I can't even afford to go party with them or I'm too tired to, and if I can't keep up with them I'm alone because they'll ditch me too.


How can someone NOT be self aware ?!? How does someone NOT self examine ?!?

And how does someone NOT feel guilt ?!?

I always felt like she was in so much pain and self hatred she couldn't even face it.

Add to that the fact that you don’t even know if she has been drinking when she does this. I can’t say enough how individuals with alcohol use disorder act out in very toxic narcissistic ways.

I have had first hand experience with this. Had drunks invade my space in toxic delusional ways. I know the behavior patterns well.

Based on things I've experienced with narcissists, my guess would be that it may be something like:

How dare he? After all I've done for him. I'm the real victim here. Look where this has left me. If he wants to play that way, he'll be sorry.

Then she starts hunting for the next good angle.

Here are a few more hugs for the day.

Thank you guys

I can't do much for you, but I do express my appreciation for the support I've received by paying it forward to local food banks.

I know I'm lucky. I know I could have been shafted financially.

Things aren't easy but we're ok, and when we get ahead a little I do something in appreciation of the help I've received.

I have asked myself the same questions you are asking. How can this person not be self aware, how can they lie to themselves and other? People that have alcohol abuse issues that consistently blame a partner for their own bad choices.

When you are a genuinely caring person it’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that the other person doesn’t authentically care, they just fake it to get their needs met. They never really grow out of their toxic loop. They may acquire some new lines, but they still just play that same loop.

One thing you need to realize is that narcissists are jealous. The more you show you are strong and caring and capable the more they envy you because they don’t have these qualities. This is why they will break you and take anything they can from you.

When you worry about her failing on her own, remember she doesn’t feel that way about you. The current problem with the money she took just proves my point. Her entitled self doesn’t care and will just take what she can and decides she is entitled to it. It did not matter if money she took was meant for your daughter.

Also, you are not legally divorced or separated yet she is already advertising herself on Facebook as single and available.

Narcissists do show who they really are, they WILL break and take from you and try to justify it. The bottom line is they DONT care. Believe what they show you, they are selfish individuals.

Wow.

She's jealous.

Wow.

Really??? Is that how this works?

She sure doesn't act like who I am, or what I've done, or what I have matters to her.

I think she may be "single" because she needs some support.

I've heard from a narcissist abuse survivor that "the mask slips", and there were times my wife was hateful in her language and actions. I refused to believe that's who she was. I saw that as her being in pain, sick and depressed.

But who she's been in the past year aligns with who she was at those low times in the past.

So... Is this who she really is?

Something to consider

Narcissists only surround themselves with people who enable their behavior. Anyone who tries to hold them accountable will be accused and blamed of the exact things the narcissist is guilty of. And the people who know the truth will remain silent or will be punished for not being “supportive”.

Truth comes at a cost in many situations.

Now, add to that how individuals who are alcoholics operate the same way. They like to hang out at bars/clubs/casinos where they can hang out with others that drink and have addiction problems as well. Enablers and snakes. Birds of a feather flock together. 😉

Narcissists are USERS. They will use anything to draw attention to themselves. Even an ailing parent or death or child or pet/animal.

This is what I learned about my older sister. What I went through was brutal. Like you I wanted to think she needed help and caring. No, she PROVED how cold and callous and cruel she really is.

"Narcissists only surround themselves with people who enable their behavior. Anyone who tries to hold them accountable will be accused and blamed of the exact things the narcissist is guilty of. And the people who know the truth will remain silent or will be punished for not being “supportive”."

This has been completely true for me. Completely.

There has been no accountability for the very outrageous behavior I've seen at times. And attempt to get accountability has been met with deflection, denial it occurred, or re-direction to something I should be guilty of.

Yes, she has used familial losses, and held herself up as the most effected.

I have been blamed of the exact same things I witnessed in her. The exact, to the point that I thought I was going crazy and I actually reviewed the possibility of me having a personality disorder with my counselor.

God, this punches me in the heart.

What you describe is very common with narcissists. They project their issues on to others and when someone tries to point out their toxic pattern it’s very common for them to get angry and accuse the person of projecting.

They like to find new ways to avoid responsibility and turn things around on the real victim.

It’s very common to begin to question your own sanity. However, one you learn what to look for then you begin to get some of your power back. Yet, at the same time seeing the reality can be heartbreaking.

Even after they reject you, they still play little games to bring you down. They feel empowered that you still care. That is why it’s best for your mental health to have as little contact as possible and to NOT react.

Narcissistic people don’t genuinely love, they USE. They don’t love others, instead it’s all about control. It’s not about your well being, instead it’s all about their own needs being met.
They are Harpy’s that have a song to lure you away and trap and cage you. They don’t want you truly free and happy because if that should happen then they lose their coveted control.

It enrages them if they see you are happy without them. If you get money that can help you be happy they will look to find ways to take it from you. They can be very entitled and vindictive.

I think that a person is more likely to show their true self when they are suffering.
The fact that she was hateful with her words and actions, when you thought she was in pain/sick/suffering is her showing her true colours.

That’s my thought anyway.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a difficult experience. And I’m sorry you’re suffering as a result. All the best with looking after yourself and showing yourself some compassion.

Once addiction takes hold, the nervous system is hijacked, making cutting down difficult due to withdrawal symptoms. Also, the brain and nervous system become so accustomed to the neurotoxic effects of alcohol that they don’t know how to function without it. This causes a vicious cycle that makes getting sober difficult.

It’s important to understand how a persons life revolves around their addiction to alcohol. It’s simply not safe to expose children to this disease because of the constant mood swings present as a person consumes the alcohol.

“Research has shown that alcohol is dangerous for the brain and nervous system, even in low doses. Since alcohol is a neurotoxin, it causes damage to the nerves and brain, which causes cognitive and memory symptoms. Heather mentions that she has cognitive fog and memory issues which all fall in line with nervous system damage.
Brain and nervous system damage due to heavy drinking are especially pronounced in women due to our lower water content and high amounts of estrogen. Unfortunately, most people don’t know that estrogen and alcohol do not go well together. Estrogen itself is pretty harsh on the body and nervous system so mixing it with alcohol, which is also harsh on those systems, can be devastating. Also, one study confirms that alcohol combined with estrogen effects makes women more susceptible to alcohol-related liver issues. And as liver damage ramps up slowly over time, it can also cause various problems with cognition and memory.”

I said before that I had real concerns about her having memory and cognitive issues due to alcohol damage, or vitamin B1 deficiency due to alcohol.

She was rarely visibly intoxicated, but she had a steady trickle of wine all day every day.

Some days that was her only source of calories and only source of liquid.

My daughter had some health issues this past week, and a school event this weekend.

I took her to a women's health clinic and dress shopping this week.

I'm sitting with her now, and she's telling me how certain she is she's in the right place, that her mom would have somehow made it all about herself. We're watching a movie and making bracelets for her friends.

I'm furious right now. This isn't right.

Her mom is alive and local, and the kids feel better without her around.

My wife made me a single parent.

I'm so angry I could cry. And my wife still believes she's the victim.

That's why I came on here today.

I want to swear on here so badly, but it's blocked anyway.

She made me a single parent.

You're right, it's not right, but at least your kids have one functional parent instead of zero.

You can't change the situation, but you're managing it like a boss.

Your anger is 100% justified.

Narcissists rewrite history to avoid accountability

You are not crazy.

Anger is normal to experience when you finally see the truth. Your anger is not a narcissistic rage anger. Instead it’s about actually loving yourself and knowing you don’t deserve to be hurt.

It’s VERY important not to use this anger to lash out or do anything hurtful. Instead KNOW you are better than that and that acting out is what a narcissistic/toxic person wants.

It’s ok to come here and vent. You may need to take up jogging or swimming to burn off the adrenaline produced by the anger. It’s good that you are there for your daughter. How sweet that you took her dress shopping. Yet the most valuable thing you gave her is your love and hugs and letting her know she is safe and loved. ❤️

My anger is partially about me and how I'm effected.

But holey moley...... Our young teen daughter should have a mom around.

She left in January.

The only contact has been to tell me to get out and sell the house, that she wants her share.

Five months.... Not ONE question about the kids.

Not ONE!

And she's the victim?

I'm in such a mood to give her a piece of my mind.

All that's stopping me is that I want to see how long it takes before she asks, if she isn't prompted to.

Yes, your young daughter should have a caring mother. It’s better to have none then an unbalanced alcoholic.