Trying to move forward

RD, what you are going through is hard. It’s normal that you experience these challenging feelings.

Also if you look up betrayal trauma it’s normal for the betrayed person to need to repeat the betrayal many times. It’s part of processing all the hurt and emotions experienced. You are allowed to have emotions.

"The devil caught her ear and she WANTED to listen. To the point where she began to rewrite history. Truth is these are not really friends and that reality will hit her hard down the road. HER CHOICE."

Can I give you an Amen?

AMEN!

"
One can always tell the degree os narcissism by how a person talks about a partner. Often they will share the most personal details objectifying the other person. This is something I noticed you don’t care to engage in."

I don't understand.

As for entitlement.... The kids just recently told me about the umpteen times their mom took them with her when they were small, to go jewelry shopping.

She had a Visa that I never saw, with a $500 limit on it, for emergencies, or just buying stuff on Amazon. I typically put about $300/month on it. Turns out it was often used to treat herself to jewelry. The rationale was, "Your father is always buying car parts, why can't I buy something."

I'm not a hobbyist! Those were parts for our own cars!

And, I also bought her jewelry on special occasions.
Some of these were significant purchases, over $1000.

AND... There was also the occasional piece of jewelry she'd find for a good price, and we'd buy it. Maybe $200 at a time, a couple times a year.

But fought me on every charitable donation I wanted to make, fought me on attending an annual scholarship fundraising meal in memory of a friend ($100), fought me on contributing to the coffee fund at my office...

Sounds like your wife always felt entitled to the money you earned.

If she controlled the money it’s possible she had been building up a stash so she could leave.

I think your children really love and respect you. They did not like that their mother disrespected and disrespects you. It can be very upsetting for children to witness that.

@RDMercer I think this latest episode pulled you down emotionally. It’s important that you see this so that you continue to distance and choose to be healthy and productive. You have been getting very positive messages from others and I think that should be your light and your path forward.

Don't worry about venting the same thing again. It's very valid and probably a bit overwhelming at times.

They say when you repeat something, it can be a sign that you are trying to figure something out or make sense of it. You repeat it in order to look for clues.

What you're going through doesn't make sense, so it's natural to roll it around and try to make sense of it.

Last year I was at such a low point.

There was no talking with her, no reasoning, and the house was under such constant tension.

I honestly felt that if I could just weather or withstand 5 more years until the youngest was in college, how good it would be to just pass from natural causes. My work would be over.

Thursday and Friday I was right back to that point. There was no future, no hope, nothing positive, nothing to look forward to.

I spent part of the day yesterday wondering how I could get through to her. Remembering good memories, remembering times we were close and her laugh and her smell.

I called my dad. I told him I still wonder about getting through to her and it's hard to let a lifetime go.

He said, that's because you've never lost before. You've had challenges with health, money, education, finding major damage in your home, kids' health, but you've always found a way. There wasn't a problem that you couldn't solve by thinking and working harder. And there's nothing you ever started that you didn't finish. You can't solve this one, and you don't know what to do.

RD, there IS a way forward! What you need to see is the path forward is going to be different then the idealized picture you painted.

You cannot CHANGE your wife or stop her from making her choices. You do have the ability to go forward in a productive way despite this change you can’t fix.

It's amazing how quickly she instills fear and hopelessness in me.

She reiterated several times how I had to sell the house immediately. That threw me into a tail spin of fear and being overwhelmed.

Of course she did, she wants the money. You KNOW she can’t make you, your lawyer explained your rights

You have all the power because you pay the bills and she can’t make you sell that home. She doesn’t like it.

The only way the house would have to be sold is if that decision made in divorce. No one can force anyone to sell houses otherwise. Why wiuod you even listen to it.

When you say you are trying to reason with her are you hoping to make her into a better person and partner? That’s not going to happen. Or are you trying to reason with her to come back? Why would you want that?

I'm not trying to reason with her.

I'm trying to rationalize, as in I'm trying to understand or make sense of, her thinking and actions.

Why would I listen to it?

Because I'm used to bowing to her, and she's good at getting into my head.

So much of what you post, I could have written about my own life. Much of it is true today. You aren't alone.

I may have mentioned this before, but someone on the boards talked about a book titled The Verbally Abusive Relationship. (Who was it? Thank you ). It walks through the whole concept of problems like what you describe. You and I think we are trying to reason with, and get on the same page with, our spouses. If they just understood where we were coming from, what we were trying to say, things would be different....

But they seek only to remain in control. To have power-over. Their objective isn't cohesiveness, or partnership, or give and take, it's to feel in control and powerful. They probably aren't even doing it consciously, but there should be consequences for failing to participate in the relationship in a meaningful, mutual way.

Once I understood the actual dynamic that was going on, it made things easier to deal with. Still depressing and hopeless at times, but at least I no longer beat myself up and look for angles to make things better. Because it can't be done. At least not by my will.

She's messed up, it's not you.

Thank you.

Yes. Have control.

She took the kids birth certificates and health insurance cards, and both keys for the mailbox when she left.

Just because.

Just to exert control in some way.

And it BLOWS HER MIND if there is something she doesn't have control over.

I carry a ton of life insurance. Last year she found out she was only receiving 98% of it. 2% was allocated to my parents.

Why?

I told her she'd threatened divorce so many times I didn't know if I could count on her burying me. I also told her she asks my parents for money but we never contribute to them. This was a way for me to help them with some costs after my passing.

That was an insurmountable wrongdoing. How dare I. Mind you, she was still going to get over $1 million, plus the house and pension. But how dare I leave 2% to my parents without her knowledge.

Yup. Control.

She continues to tell me her lawyer is going to make the kids live with her and then she'll take 50% of my income as child support.

You know... Even that.

I carry a ton of life insurance. My work provides health insurance, which she is still receiving. Her work provides health insurance but she hasn't shared it with me or the kids.

She is the sole recipient of my pension.

I carried addition health insurance sufficient to replace 100% of my income if I had to leave work due to illness or injury.

Like... Holy jeez.... I'm a good provider with a big safety net for my family.

WTH does she think is out there? Who does she think she's going to find that will provide more?

Block her. Didn’t she block you last time you made contact? Block and she should go through lawyers.

You cannot rationalize her behavior or make sense of it. It doesn’t work that way

When she says what her lawyers are going to do and what’s going to happen, none of it will happen until one of you file for divorce so there’s no point to discuss what might happen. Pointless. I’d not worry about it

I’d not worry what she’s going to find out there.

Yes you are a good person and provider but there are ton of wonderful men and women out there who are abused and mistreated or dumped by their partners every day. Ton of people sadly don’t care that others are good people. It doesn’t stop abusers.

If she cared, you’d not be in this situation. It’s actually possible that she’ll manipulate and dupe somebody same way she manipulated you. So it’s entirely possible another nice person would fall in her trap. Not to diagnose on here but if she has PD (and everything points to it) she is really good in playing games that benefit her.

If you are the one providing health insurance, it takes about 5 minutes to order a new card for the kids. Just call your insurance. You could also order a duplicate of birth certificate. She likely enjoys that you keep asking for it. No need for that

Are you saying you didn’t retrieve mail for these months she was out?? I am sure you can obtain another key for the mailbox

Her having your health insurance is normal as you are legally married. It’s unlikely she also gets insurance at her work. Just because she has it offered, it doesn’t mean she must take it. I am not sure why she needs to share info about insurance from her work place? Did she say she took that health insurance too? Why does she need two?

RD, your wife has no legal right to control your money and deny you access to the mail box.

Your wife can’t tell you who to leave your life insurance money to should you die. Actually, you can have the life insurance set up so the money goes to your children and not your wife. You can also leave your children all the money earned if your home be liquidated.

You do not have to give your wife any control of your money to pay your bills. You can set up an account in only your name and deposit your earnings in that account.

It sounds like you let your wife control the purse strings. You can change that, in fact you SHOULD change that. Your wife is bullying you. She is a drunk bully and doesn’t deserve to have power over your earnings. Also, she doesn’t have the right to with hold your children’s birth certificates from you.

Time to have another chat with your lawyer.

Your wife cannot legally keep you from getting your mail.

Man, you are so lucky to have such a wise and supportive father. My parents were like, "kowtow more!!! Let him kill you!"

HOLY JEEEEZ UNALUNA!

WTAF???

I'm so sorry you went through that.



Yes, health insurance cards have been reordered.

Birth certificates are being handled too.

That was something of a test on my part. I've requested them several times over an 8 week period and she's refused.

I asked for my mail for 6 weeks. There was no need to take BOTH mailbox keys. She didn't comply. Mailbox locks have been changed.

Those were tests for my own knowledge, and also I expected she wouldn't comply. So... That looks bad on her when we finally go to court.

She's not paying any bills. There are automated payments still linked to our old joint account that haven't switched over yet to my sole account. Its just slow to switch them. I deposit money to cover those automated payments, and she's scooped it twice now. $200 each time.

And yes, my kids now get most of my insurance. There's $200k for each of them in a trust, with brother as manager of the trusts. He also will receive $100k to settle my accounts and support the kids until they are 21.

Where we are, you can each carry insurance. If one offers 80% coverage for a procedure, you can access the 2nd insurance provider to cover the balance. She has health insurance from her work. She hasn't shared cards or coverage information though the kids are with me.

I expext I know why. If she proves she has coverage, I can remove her from mine, even though we're still married.

So... She's making she, and only she, can double dip insurances.

RDM

Glad to learn you have been proactive in keeping her from having control as though it’s all her’s even though she has left and is advertising herself as single and available etc.

I think this recent exposure just proves you need to avoid interacting with her. It’s understandable you still get triggered. Honestly, others can relate.

@RDMercer just checking to see how things are going.

I'm ok.

I'm facing who she truly is or has become and that's hard. Accepting truth is hard. Accepting that there is no hope of things becoming better or of me ever having her is hard. But so far not as hard as I would have expected.

I look at things here, and we are all moving forward. My daughter's counselor asked me into her last appointment and coached me on things my kids need from me. The oldest, who was so targeted by his mom, is prone to angry outbursts. He's struggling with the complete rejection he has experienced from her.

All the kids are struggling with executive function, due to being on edge for so long. She told me, chore lists and consequences aren't going to work. You actually will have to do stuff with them step by step.

We are all increasingly less afraid. I've very much realized they need me to lead them out of this. They need a lot of unprompted hugs and reassurances that we are ok, and that I'm with them in every way.

We have supper together every day. We go for drives and crank their music. We watch horror movies together and play board games and do homework and talk about dreams of dirt bikes and owning horses.

I miss my wife. I miss the good memories a lot. I miss how she felt when I held her. I miss her laugh. I miss the sound of her friendly voice on the phone. Twenty six years ago I moved 1500 miles to be closer to her because I thought the sound of that voice over the phone was going to save me.

I remember my first job interview after I moved and they saw I'd been working for an excavation company almost half way across the country.

"So. Why are you here?"

"Can you see my truck out the window behind me? Can you see the ponytail in the passenger seat?"

I always tried, and I always wanted this.

Oh well. I have awesome kids.

((((RD)))))

It can feel like a full grieving process, can't it? Almost like the spouse you loved died, dreams died, etc. And now you're forced to deal with the bulk of the aftermath.

You're being such a great dad. Sometimes the thing kids need most is just knowing someone is there for them. It may be a long process, but you're giving them the foundations that they need, and maybe what's been missed.

I don't expect my DD to leave home at an earlier age. She's had a somewhat chaotic (and often confusing for reasons we didn't understand at the time) childhood. She takes as long as it takes to get where she's going.

You mentioned the executive function issues, which is interesting, because my kid has gone to the other extreme. Hopefully not neurotic though. She is hyper organized and too controlled. That seems to be how she dealt with the rollercoaster. She's an only child, and an introvert, so she's prone to disappearing into her room/own world and just doing her own thing if she doesn't like what's going on. That happens less now as I've gotten better and stopped engaging his disorder so much- the house is much more stabilized, at least for her. But it's sad, because in some ways, teenage DD acts like a 40 year old woman.

Hang in there.