Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Yes... you're right. All good points. But I want him to know that I know he tried to swindle me. I want to let him know he hasn't gotten away with it and that I can still pursue it legally, if I choose to.

He is not going to get away with his lies, deceit and manipulations.. not anymore. So I want him to know.

I will do just that, after I've told him he is a swindler and con artist.

In this case, you are choosing to prove you are right and he is wrong. It isn't going to change him. You can't prove an abusive manipulator wrong no matter how right you are.

You'll feel vindicated for a few days without a doubt, but it won't last and he will find a way to use anything you've said to hurt you. I've divorced someone who tried this. The game stopped when I stopped playing it. And even then it took a few years for the ex to realize I wasn't participating anymore.

As long as you play his game, he will find a way to win and have power over you. I'm not saying this to hurt you and it's not judgement. It's an abuse survivor's advice to stop playing his game to stop the cycle.

Thank you, dear… you have a solid point there! I will think on this more… perhaps it is best to just not play anymore, though I want to confront him very badly.

Isnt that the title line of his resumé?

He can mail you a check. No need to transfer anything. He can also transfer 3500 now and mail check for the rest. There’s no real need to go to the bank. It could be avoided.

I met my brother at the bank several times to wrap up our mother's estate. A cashiers check is like cash, you want to deposit it asap, no fooling around.

I wouldnt trust the mail with it.

Well it’s done. It’s in my account. He tried to tell me he didn’t know or didn’t deliberately excluded it.

It won’t make you feel better confronting him because he’ll come up with clever answers and you will be off balance again or he’ll accuse of things in return. There’s no way to win here. The only way to win is to stop the game

Of course. He always has an answer. That’s why confronting him is pointless

Oh I wouldn’t mail cashier check. I thought he’d mail a regular check

Well, I did what I deep down needed to do. I told him via text afterwards that I believe he tried to swindle me and that I could still pursue this legally if I want to. I want him to know that I’m not stupid, as he falsely believes. It was important to me…. He’s been shady throughout our relationship and thinks that he can get away with lying to me.… I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. Told him not to contact me or pursue me then I blocked him.

Good, now start a new life focusing on what matters.

Totally. I feel I finally have closure now. And I’m glad I stood my ground. Divorce will finalize in a few months and I’m sure he will try to avoid running into me. Onwards and upwards!

SO glad you got the money, had your say and have blocked him. Now to stay strong and stay away from him for good! If you ever feel lonely or weak, call a friend or go to a support group (might be good to find one for women escaping abuse). That might also assist you in the future to avoid deceitful or abusive men.


Treat yourself to something nice.

Will do, and thanks so much!!!

It sure is.

He lies and manipulates SO convincingly that I begin to doubt my own instincts, gut reactions and perceptions.

After I sent my final text where I confronted him for trying to swindle me, he sent one text before I blocked him. He now says that they sent the paperwork for the inheritance after we had filed for divorce... yeah right. She died in Oct.. why would the inheritance be delayed for processing? I am sure that the paperwork got rolling very soon after she passed in Oct. Unless they did it on purpose to hide it from the court system. But why would he initially have told me he could go to jail for omitting it from his financial statement? He clearly felt or knew he had done something legally wrong. And, it's ONLY NOW that he's saying something different.. he did not tell me initially, oh, well, we didn't process the inheritance until after we filed. He did not give me that explanation initially, which tells me he is now making up a story around it.

Either way, I smell foul play. I mean, come on.. as SOON as I started to question him about the legalities of his inheritance, for one, he became enraged with me for questioning him on it, and then number two, he immediately offered me a larger amount of money than he had been offering all along.. he suddenly increases the amount to 10K, directly following that conversation. Is that highly suspect? I think so.

And then suddenly, to also offer to pay me for our wedding and honeymoon and the full cost of the chair, when he had previously been angered by these suggestions??

My instinct tells me he was trying to smoke screen me and distract me from the legal system by offering 10K and to pay me back in full for expenses I had accrued during the marriage. This way, if I took that money, I wouldn't be motivated to pursue it in court, right? YES, this is my gut feeling around what truly happened here. Not to mention, his offer to also give me another TV, a larger TV, for my bedroom.

What gets me is how convincing of a liar he can be. I mean, two years ago he convincingly was telling me how much he loves me, showering me with love, affection, flowers and sex, while simultaneously behind my back was flirting with and pursuing another woman!

And he lied through his teeth about other suggestive and inappropriate texts that I had read with my own eyes. I know he was lying but cannot prove it. It's my perception of those texts vs his explanation of them. And his explanation didn't even make any sense.

She had written "I want a mimosa!" and he wrote back "brunch and mimosas, let's go!" So my interpretation of that exchange was that he invited her to brunch.... and maybe they even went to brunch together for all I know. But HIS explanation was that they were mocking and making fun of a customer who had talked about mimosas... it doesn't even make sense. right?!? Right.

So, here he is, once again,. trying to cover up what really happened, lying convincingly and me questioning my perceptions.

It's gaslighting... getting you to doubt yourself and twisting facts around.

I hate him... I truly truly hate him for what he's done..

It could be that it officially happened after he filed for divorce. But he had present financial documents some time after divorce was final. He lied there. Plus if he didnt lie, why did he say he could go to jail?

Then in March he asked if there was a change in financial situations, he said no. Lied again.

Then when judge asked if there is hope for reconciliation, he said no way. He lied. He never stopped contacting you and offering you money begging for you to come back.

So he consistently lied through this whole process

Exactly. WHY did he initially tell me he could go to jail? It's because he KNEW he had done something legally wrong.

Yes, he has lied through the whole process.

No they weren’t talking about customers. He was asking her out to brunch with mimosas because she likes them. It’s very possible they did go. But even if not, intention was there

Precisely. Another lie.

He is very lucky in fact that I am NOT a vindictive, money grubbing, gold digging type of person. I could easily take 17K he gave me, pay a law firm and try to get much more money out of him. But the cost of doing so emotionally and timing-wise, makes it unappealing to me. I want this divorce to be over with and I do not want to cause delays. Sure, I could probably nail him and screw him to the wall over this ordeal, but then what? He will also seek revenge, I am sure, and it will become a battle and war... there's no point, and I am satisfied with the 17K he gave me.

I feel sickened... literally just ill to my stomach over all of this.

You need to find a healthy way to process your anger about him. The longer you hold onto your anger, the longer he is in control. YOU are responsible for your emotions and aret the one who has to deal with them.

I have thoughts about his lies. It is usually the abused person who is last to really see the lies they've been living with and the red flags that weren't known in the moment. I'm hesitant to share some thoughts I have about this inheritance situation. My different perspective may cause you more anxiety and apoear to be victim blaming. My thoughts are impacted by my own life but my intention is not to hurt or blame you. Do you want to know my perspective?