Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Thank you.

Jay and I are taking things slow. I don't know what will happen. He may even move far away. Maybe not, but not sure how serious he would want to become. He's said that he doesn't think he can commit down the road to living with someone. He may not be commitment material. and is just here for now for me.

If he says he thinks he can’t commit, then I’d believe it and plan on it not being long term. When they say it up front, they make their intentions known. He’s not commitment material and is up front about it. Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you don’t get hurt

Yeah.... I want to follow up on that conversation with him sometime.

I am FUMING right now.

I had to talk to my husband about our taxes this morning. He insisted on coming by my apartment at 7:30 this morning to sign the tax paperrwork, and I said no., I will come by your office at noon and you can sign it then, as we had agreed upon yesterday. Well, he got me on the phone at 7:15 AM and reamed into me, about everything needing to be on my terms, how I am selfish and self serving, how his brother thinks I am using him, and how he is not happy with me. This is ALL after him telling me just YESTERDAY how much he loves me and cannot live without me, while bawling his eyes out.

More abuse! I am SO done with this a-hole. I hate him with every fibre of my entire being.....

this morning was a GREAT reminder of ALL the reasons why I left him in the first place. He claims he has changed... he has NOT changed one single bit! All I got this morning was more abuse.

So, I've blocked him. I told him off, then blocked him. I will have to see him today to sign the tax paperwork. I will not listen to anything else he has to say, and I am just done talking to him... for good.

Smart going to his office with witnesses. Him wanting to get you alone in your home is yet another ploy

You are using him… that’s rich.

I know... I was offended when he told me that his brother told him that I am using him. ARGH!

I did go to his office and he bawled his eyes out to me at the car, begging and pleading for me to give him another chance. I said no. We talked for a bit, but he cannot understand or absorb my perspective at all. I tell him I can't trust him, and he says to me, yes you can trust me... we went around in circles, until finally I just cut him off and said I had to leave.

He doesn’t need to absorb or understand.

So he says you are using him and you are selfish, but then pleading for you to take him. It makes no sense. None.

Hugs to you. At least you see his actions for what they are. Circular conversations are the worst, especially when you see it happening and you have to find a way to end it- and it rarely ends with any sort of resolution.

It sounds like you handled it well and used good boundaries with him.

That's abuse for you... he says mean things in one breath, and is crying and pleading with me in the next.

Thank you! It helps to hear positive feedback.

Well, I said goodbye to Jay last night since he leaves for his sailing trip on Sat. He spent the night with me Tue night, we had fun, and he told me then that he won't be "babe shopping" while he is in the Caribbean, which made me feel good. We met up at our usual Wed. night band last night, he danced close to me, and gave me attention, unlike the week before when he couldn't stop from looking around the room. I wonder if that had to do with the fact I said my ex may show up (last week). It may have.

Either way, I still have some questions I need answers to... in time I will ask and I will allow them to naturally come up. I don't want to force a relationship or push things farther than where they are now.

Tue night he told me that I give him a "warm feeling". Not sure exactly what that means, but I interpret it as a positive thing.

My ex knows nothing about Jay, which is going to remain to be the case. It's not his business, and I don't feel it's necessary to tell him anything. I think it would also push my ex over the edge.

And the latest is after I got beaten up over the phone by my ex yesterday, and then after watching him cry to me later when I had to see him, he now is offering a $1500 credit card for me to use. I declined. I allowed him to pay the $3,000 tax money owed. I told him I will pay him back, and he said he doesn't want my money.. that it's a gift. Well, given that I paid 8K for our wedding and he paid nothing, I think I may accept this gift. He showed me how much money is in his bank account right now... 180K he has! He still is offering me 20K to pay off my debt and to pay my landlord, and once again, I declined.

And, I realized that my ex is really in fact quite superficial. He offers money and gifts to win me back over, rather than truly changed behavior, what is MOST important.

Him beating me up yesterday for no good reason reinforced for me all the reasons why I am divorcing him.

He lit into me first thing in the morning simply because I didn't respond to his text from the night before and because he was over tired from sleep deprivation.

That's always his excuse... he wasn't "well", he "wasn't himself", he was "frustrated" or "upset".... these are always his reasons for treating me like his emotional punching bag.

Yesterday was a GREAT reminder of all the behaviors I can't deal with in him. Attacking me out of the blue and when I already have enough stress.... coming down hard on me and beating me up... I became so accustomed to his behavior that I've just kind of succumbed to it and weakened.. now I am a bit stronger and can walk away more easily because we no longer live together and I don't have to try and keep the peace. I would appease him in order to defuse the situation and keep peace....... which is very typical in an abusive relationship dynamic. Well, no more. Now I can just shut down the conversation, put up my boundaries, and not respond to him.

He has 180k???? And he acted all broke. Wow. I’d ask for honeymoon money and chair. It’s 10 k right there

If that’s inheritance money then he lied that mom was destitute, wasted all her money and had nothing. If each son got nearly 200k, she had like half million sitting wow. Liar

I know, right?? And he got mad over the thought of me getting any alimony yet he’s offering me all kinds of monetary support. It doesn’t make any sense!

Interesting that you knew nothing about this money or potential money while married but now it’s all come up all of a sudden

He didn’t know she was going to die. It was her insurance money.

Wow. I'm shocked that he has that much money. What a sleaze. And now he's offering you money on the condition you take him back? Unbelievable.

I would be asking my lawyer about this, since it appears he misled you about the size of his mother's estate. He must have known when you were still living together that he was going to be getting all that money. Inheritances take time. You may be legally entitled to some of that.

I know there have been news stories about spouses who tried to dupe each other out of lottery winnings and so on. I know that's different from an inheritance but I would be really interested to hear a legal opinion. It's my understanding that when someone passes, every beneficiary has to receive a copy of the will. So he would have known long ago that he was getting that money. Grrrrr. Whether you are legally entitled or not I think he should be paying you at least some amount, with no strings attached.

He has deceived you many times and I want to punch him!

He had to submit a financial statement when filing for divorce. I never saw his... and I should have been allowed to see it, first of all.

I looked it up and this is what is says about inheritance in my state:

"First, the timing of acquisition is important. If the property was inherited before the marriage or after the divorce proceedings began, the non-inheriting spouse will have a more difficult time getting a share."

He inherited this money after divorce proceedings already began. I am not sure when it actually arrived in his bank account, but the judge did review all paperwork, including our financial statements, and said that the Divorce Agreement was fair and reasonable.

IF I did somehow get fooled, I am going to be SO angry because I am struggling over money right now .

I think he got that money after divorce was filed, but you are still legally married and it looks that perhaps he withheld some info.

Talk to a lawyer and see if it could be addressed with the judge, do it before divorce is final.

He moved out while on a lease putting you in a terrible pickle with no second income. All while he had so much money coming to him

He thought she’ll live forever? That’s a lot of insurance money.

I agree with @divine1966 It seems to me that perhaps due to the previous separation, he realized the possibility of divorce and kept his mother's true financial condition a secret. He may have only received the money recently, but it was underway and he probably knew the amount he would be getting.


Financial misdeeds really anger me. I really would talk to your lawyer about it. Him showing you his bank account with 180K in it is just infuriating.

This guy is fishy and shady about money. I can’t stand him. He stayed in his first, supposedly bad marriage, because his ex wife was wealthy. Then when he got settlement from that marriage (he was with Hope already), he spent all that money on himself. Well maybe he bought hopes engagement ring with that money, don’t recall. Now he manipulates Hope with his mom’s money. He is a terrible human being. Enough being too nice to him

I feel similarly. I wrote the lawyer an email asking about it. Husband says the amount of money was not included in his financial statement, that it was unknown, and that he only just received it now, after the divorce hearing. He got very angry with me when I asked him directly about it.

You still not legally divorced so you might be entitled to some of that money. Him being angry about it is very telling. Why is he angry? Because he is trying to be shady. He only wants you to know about money because he hopes you’d come back. Otherwise you’d never find out

I find it REALLY weird that he's saying it's life insurance money. I worked in insurance. Life Insurance companies will not normally insure elderly people -- the premiums would need to be sky high to make up for the high risk. When my husband turned 55 his premiums were going to be $250/month for only 100,000 worth of life insurance. For someone older it would be much higher. How could his mother pay such high premiums if she had no money?


It would be different if her death was accidental, but it sounds like it was natural causes.


It doesn't add up. I would really get a lawyer to look into this. It's your right to know exactly when he knew that he was going to be getting a big payout.

I think "life insurance" is how the previous generation of a certain income left money to the next. Plus, at one point his family was quite rich, IIRC.