[Mendingmysoul]

Someone baited me into a circular conversation. I fell for the bait and raided the merrygoround for ever.I thought I healed enough,and learned enough to recognize the patterns and am strong enough to erect clear boundaries. I can't believe I fell in to the word salad trap.I am exhausted and feel defeated. Urgh.

[Open Eyes]

Don’t beat yourself up. At least you can reflect on it and see it for what it is. Narcissists are very good con artists, they know and play their game well. They can trick a lot of people, not just you.

Can you cut this person out of your life completely?

[Mendingmysoul]

Dear Open Eyes,thank you for your thoughtful reply.It feels like I have acquired so much theoretical knowledge,but what is the benefit of it all,if I fail to apply it in real life practically.I can't believe I played the game,the narcissist wanted me to.The narc was able to crush my boundaries, gaslighted me,and was able to position me as a pawn on his game board.I am feeling ashamed of myself.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Someone baited me into a circular conversation. I fell for the bait and raided the merrygoround for ever.I thought I healed enough,and learned enough to recognize the patterns and am strong enough to erect clear boundaries. I can't believe I fell in to the word salad trap.I am exhausted and feel defeated. Urgh.

One day of weakness doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better. I have learned to listen and not react. Some people just don't listen in a way that helps. They are unable. With some people I daydream like crazy about things that are lovely. I have learned to accept but not change. I have learned to put more limits on what I give and not feel guilty about my decisions. I examine my own motives but believe someday we will all be judged by the One who truly knows our hearts (and our hearts can be quite deceptive that is why we must continually evaluate ourselves from my POV).

[Mendingmysoul]

@willowtigger,I have cut many people out almost completely from my life.But there are some,I can't cut ties with.Its complicated, but I am keeping a minimum communication with them.

[Mendingmysoul]

Narcs know that we adore the projected image of them.They successfully create an illusion of themselves for us to see and admire.Once the awareness sets in we see them for what they really are,really.Until yesterday I greyrocked successfully. Didn't react to anything.He started him game on by acting all stupid and ignorant about a problem.I should have kept quiet and should have listened.I immediately wore the shoes of a fixer and rescuer and tried to educate him.He acted more and more stupid making me talk more and more.Him throwing in more words,pulling me in into useless,meaningless word salad.Until I saw the smirk developing, the predatory glow in the eyes,the gotcha non verbal facial language, I didnot realize it was staged for fun.Narc is really bored,and I unwittingly entertained him.I think I got overconfident about my awareness.

[Mendingmysoul]

Dear Tunedout,Thank you.Yep,I know it's just one day of slip after a long time of resistance and boundaries. But it rattled the ground,I am standing on,so to speak. It tells me how adept they are at pulling the rug from underneath us.Its like the internalized criticism of my childhood abusers is taking a dig at me again.See,we told you so way back then.You are not worth the space you are occupying. You are such a stupid waste of ground. Why don't you die?I seem to be unable to calm the inner chatter down.

[Open Eyes]

@Mendingmysoul please know these individuals are very insecure and need lots of validation. They talk these circles etc because they have no real depth to them. They can’t be alone as they would fall apart with no supply. They often use social media and online groups etc now to get supply

Just keep working on your own personal growth and healing.

[Samicat]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Someone baited me into a circular conversation. I fell for the bait and raided the merrygoround for ever.I thought I healed enough,and learned enough to recognize the patterns and am strong enough to erect clear boundaries. I can't believe I fell in to the word salad trap.I am exhausted and feel defeated. Urgh.

You absolutely cannot be perfect all the time. Don't beat yourself up - what's past is past. Sounds like it would be a good idea to write about it to pinpoint what you would like to do differently in the future.

[ArmorPlate108]

Oh, Mendingmysoul, I am so sorry that happened to you.

It seems like you approached the situation from a place of goodness, of helping and behaving in a human, social way. The narc's approach was from one of manipulation. You might feel badly because you figure you knew better than to get sucked in, but your heart was in the right place, whereas the narc's was not. Even though you regret getting into that situation, I hope you can be gentle with yourself, because you did nothing wrong in the eyes of normal people. The narc didn't win, they successfully manipulated No normal person would be proud of that.

Sending hugs your way- from someone who has made that mistake more times than I can count.

[Mendingmysoul]

@Open Eyes,these predators are everywhere.And they seems to know whom to victimize. They snatch our human right to be happy and content away.Sometimes I feel like running away into the deep woods and live alone there,until I die.I do have some good souls as friends in real life.I called the friend at 1.30 in the night.Talked for a couple of minutes.Hearing the soothing voice made my day.I wonder why these narcissists choose to spread destruction and chaos?

[Mendingmysoul]

@Samicat,yep can't be perfect all the time.I have been greyrocking this person since long.I think I need to not stray from it the next time,no matter how much hard the narc might try to shake me.I must strengthen myself more.

[Mendingmysoul]

@ArmorPlate 108,thank you for validating me. A simple communication using simple words seems an impossible task for narcs.They waste our precious energy ,time and potential. I always wonder if I didnot meet the narcs in life ever,how my life would have been.I am sure I would have been happier. Would have achieved more.I know you have gone through similar experiences. Hugs to you .

[Open Eyes]

Yes! There are a lot of people who never really formed a secure sense of identity. However, they slowly developed ways to fool and charm people, an effective camouflage.

Think of it this way where Bill Cosby developed this incredibly charming person and yet he was a horrible predator. Millions of people adored him and never imagined he would do what he did to so many women. Well, people want the fantasy and this is proven all the time with how much we shell out to watch our favorite actor or actress. These individuals even get very wealthy when they become a box office favorite.

Oh Hollywood used to really control their actors to maintain “ the image”. Yet, there was a lot of abuse amongst these different individuals. There are a lot of narcissistic individuals in that world that are nothing like the charming characters they play.

Taking time to actually read the biographies of different actors shed light on a very different person then the beloved characters they played.

[Mendingmysoul]

Open Eyes,you are right.In so many environments narcissism is encouraged and conformed. No body calls out for the fear of repercussions. I get angry at the fact that,not only normal people have to face the negative effects of these toxic behaviours,we need to strive not to catch up the fleas, the disease itself so to speak.Greyrocking,stonewalling, not reacting...all these functions that I need to stick to when facing the narc are against the core of what I am.If you know what I mean.On top of that I need to watch myself after the abuse happens and be self constraint, not to spill over my agony onto some innocent person. I get angry that life gets harder for normal people like us..Just yesterday I almost raised my voice on a person who has nothing to do with my suffering. And then I told myself...Whoa, stop,stop.whatcha doing?Urgh......sigh.....

[Mendingmysoul]

After the interaction with the narc the other day,I was reeling and spinning.It felt like I was drowning in plethora of emotions. I needed to anchor and ground myself.The usual distracting activities didn't interest me.Today I vowed to myself ,if I keep feeling bad,the narc has really won.I decided not to feel defeated. I gathered my strength, went out into my yard,cleaned my flower beds.A little victory,yay.I wanted to share this.What do you think friends?

[ArmorPlate108]

You did good!

It's really hard to push yourself to go do something else, but when you can make it work, its good! Sometimes it's just so paralyzing after something like that has happened. Reregulating can be hard. It sounds like you managed well, and even got a tidy yard in the process

Glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better.

[Mendingmysoul]

Thank you ArmorPlate 108,Today I dragged myself to my backyard again. The victim in me wanted to curl up in bed and wanted to sulk. Ahh,one bad interaction with narc and at least a week of victim mode for me.And I don't like it.

[Mendingmysoul]

As much as I don't like to feel like victim,I can't shake off what had happened. I tend to ruminate and replay it again and again,and retraumatize myself.I need a lot of distracting activities after the fact.I am watching myself now,and want to know how long it takes to wake up with not having remembrance of the narcs game.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

As much as I don't like to feel like victim,I can't shake off what had happened. I tend to ruminate and replay it again and again,and retraumatize myself.I need a lot of distracting activities after the fact.I am watching myself now,and want to know how long it takes to wake up with not having remembrance of the narcs game.

Anyone can fall into a trap like that, you did nothing wrong. The narcissist didn't ''win'' (they manipulated as they so often do)

[Mendingmysoul]

Thank you Fuzzy for your validation.

mending

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Dear Open Eyes,thank you for your thoughtful reply.It feels like I have acquired so much theoretical knowledge,but what is the benefit of it all,if I fail to apply it in real life practically.I can't believe I played the game,the narcissist wanted me to.The narc was able to crush my boundaries, gaslighted me,and was able to position me as a pawn on his game board.I am feeling ashamed of myself.

Like my T always said....PRACTICE makes it become a natural part of life. We never START off practicing perfect even when we know how to read the notes. look at it as a "practice" opportunity, not as failing

Originally Posted by eskielover

Like my T always said....PRACTICE makes it become a natural part of life. We never START off practicing perfect even when we know how to read the notes. look at it as a "practice" opportunity, not as failing

I know it was meant for the OP, but this post means a lot to me.