My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

jesyka · Aug 10, 2023 at 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Do you enjoy activities with your husband? It sounds like you are trying to fill a void with these friendships. Being in a bad marriage is very lonely. Hugs to you.

When we travel, yes, but I don’t normally enjoy talking to him as he talks about stuff I normally have no interest in. He never asks me about personal stuff.

jesyka · Aug 10, 2023 at 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Lots of reasons were listed here earlier. Either it is an issue with her and has nothing to do with you, or she is putting you off because she has some issue with you. You could have an honest talk with her about it and ask her, but those conversations never go well IME.

I doubt that talking to her will do any good as she has an avoidant personality. Otherwise I would. I think I’ll just have to accept the fact that she is an indirect communicator who’d rather ignore problems than talk about them.

Maybe she is going through something. She’s always stressed out. I’ll keep things light from now on as I don’t think she cares enough about me anymore to talk about serious issues.

jesyka · Aug 10, 2023 at 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

She did have that conversation and her friend got very upset. She was trying to explain that she’s busy but Jesyka believes it’s just an excuse. I think on paper it sounds like such conversations should happen but in reality it sounds like it’s a disaster every time.

I see this conversation with a romantic partner trying to figure out if he’s into you and why isn’t he more interested and maybe we should break up. I don’t envision such conversation with a friend.

Why is it weird to have an honest discussion with friends? There’s nothing wring with honest communication m. It seems like people think it’s a bad thing. Why?

divine1966 · Aug 10, 2023 at 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Why is it weird to have an honest discussion with friends? There’s nothing wring with honest communication m. It seems like people think it’s a bad thing. Why?

It’s not wrong but if someone doesn’t initiate time with me and shows no interest in me, having these conversations is kind of pointless. Sure they might feel bad for me and contact me more often but why would I want that? People either do or they don’t.

Also if I tell people I am busy, but they don’t accept that and confront me indirectly accusing me of being a liar or people pleaser, that’s just no good. If I tell people I am busy, I expect them to accept it and not question it. Of course you could keep confronting people about initiating more events or seeing you more but in a long run it’s just not going to improve just because that’s what you want. You can’t force it. You’ll just push people away.

Allow friendships develop authentically. You can’t force it by telling people what you need them to do

jesyka · Aug 10, 2023 at 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s not wrong but if someone doesn’t initiate time with me and shows no interest in me, having these conversations is kind of pointless. Sure they might feel bad for me and contact me more often but why would I want that? People either do or they don’t.

Also if I tell people I am busy, but they don’t accept that and confront me indirectly accusing me of being a liar or people pleaser, that’s just no good. If I tell people I am busy, I expect them to accept it and not question it. Of course you could keep confronting people about initiating more events or seeing you more but in a long run it’s just not going to improve just because that’s what you want. You can’t force it. You’ll just push people away.

Allow friendships develop authentically. You can’t force it by telling people what you need them to do

I never tried to force anything. I never told anyone that they’re a liar or a people pleaser. I only stated that on here. I just stated how I felt & that I’d like them to intiate plans more at times. Should I not do that?

divine1966 · Aug 10, 2023 at 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I never tried to force anything. I never told anyone that they’re a liar or a people pleaser. I only stated that on here. I just stated how I felt & that I’d like them to intiate plans more at times. Should I not do that?

You should do whatever you want. Generally speaking if people want to see you, they would.

I didn’t mean that you literally force them, but if you tell them they have to initiate more, they are forced in to a position of having to do something they don’t naturally crave. It’s up to you of course what you want to discuss with people. But generally speaking people will not spend time more time with you because you want them to.

jesyka · Aug 10, 2023 at 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You should do whatever you want. Generally speaking if people want to see you, they would.

I didn’t mean that you literally force them, but if you tell them they have to initiate more, they are forced in to a position of having to do something they don’t naturally crave. It’s up to you of course what you want to discuss with people. But generally speaking people will not spend time more time with you because you want them to.

You have a point there. So it’s better to not say anything then unfortunately.

TishaBuv · Aug 10, 2023 at 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

When we travel, yes, but I don’t normally enjoy talking to him as he talks about stuff I normally have no interest in. He never asks me about personal stuff.

Would you like to have a better relationship with him? You could try to find things in common. Was it ever any better with him in the past?

TishaBuv · Aug 10, 2023 at 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Why is it weird to have an honest discussion with friends? There’s nothing wring with honest communication m. It seems like people think it’s a bad thing. Why?

I think it was okay to have approached her about what was bothering you, but you probably did it in a way that made her feel attacked and that’s why she got defensive. If you had said when she leaves you hanging it really stresses you out and you want to understand why she does it, maybe that conversation would have gone better but idk… honestly, every time I have tried similar it didn’t go well.

Discombobulated · Aug 11, 2023 at 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I see your point. I’m not drawn to selfish people. They’re the ones who are drawn to me. I have bad luck with people usually. I don’t know why that is

That’s interesting to me. I tend to think of people being drawn to each other, like a dynamic between them if that makes sense. Certainly deeper connections are an interplay between two in my experiences. So if you’re finding that you aren’t drawn to selfish people but that they’re drawn to you do you feel like you would benefit from being a person who makes more of an active choice in who you spend time with?

divine1966 · Aug 11, 2023 at 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

That’s interesting to me. I tend to think of people being drawn to each other, like a dynamic between them if that makes sense. Certainly deeper connections are an interplay between two in my experiences. So if you’re finding that you aren’t drawn to selfish people but that they’re drawn to you do you feel like you would benefit from being a person who makes more of an active choice in who you spend time with?

This is a good point. I think if one finds that selfish people just gravitate towards them, it might be wise to not pursue friendships with them and cut it off as soon as it’s obvious they are selfish. But I’d also be careful how we define selfishness and we mean by that

AzulOscuro · Aug 11, 2023 at 10:15 AM

I’m friend of looking for patterns and take responsibility for my own actions. If I put responsibility outside I’m distracting myself of the focus, that is, what I can change.
And of course, one of this “I can change” is to choose who I want to spend my time with.
All this is very far from complaining about how the other person is, try to change them or expect what they won’t probably give me that is what I’d like. If I hang on in the I’d like or They should, I would consider myself a slave of what I think others expect from me or what I think I should do for them. Because this is at least a two parties thing.

Relations are so difficult.

Good point, Disco. 👍

jesyka · Aug 11, 2023 at 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I think it was okay to have approached her about what was bothering you, but you probably did it in a way that made her feel attacked and that’s why she got defensive. If you had said when she leaves you hanging it really stresses you out and you want to understand why she does it, maybe that conversation would have gone better but idk… honestly, every time I have tried similar it didn’t go well.

I have a feeling that nothing would go over well with her. She has an avoidant personality it seems like.

jesyka · Aug 11, 2023 at 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

That’s interesting to me. I tend to think of people being drawn to each other, like a dynamic between them if that makes sense. Certainly deeper connections are an interplay between two in my experiences. So if you’re finding that you aren’t drawn to selfish people but that they’re drawn to you do you feel like you would benefit from being a person who makes more of an active choice in who you spend time with?

I don’t have the luxury of having to many options as most people I meet tend to be self absorbed.

rechu · Aug 11, 2023 at 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I’m not abrasive. I’m honest. I didn’t call her any of the things I mentioned on here. I only told her to not gaslight me when she accused me of calling her a horrible person as I never said that ever.

If being honest is being abrasive, then I don’t know what to tell you. What should I do? Lie? How will that resolve any issues?

I tell it like it us. I don’t b.s. My friend likes the fact that I’m real & not a phony. It seems like people tend to find honesty to be offensive which is a problem with them, not me.

I admit, I honestly have no problem hurting someone’s feelings when they mistreat & abuse me. Example, I called out that former mooch friend & shamed her to her face for being a user & a liar. How dare she tried to use my friend & I. She deserved what she got, lol.

You may not have said some of the things you were thinking, but she may have perceived what you were feeling. So much communication is nonverbal - tone of voice and, if in person, things like eye contact and body language. I think you mentioned you may be on the spectrum or are on the spectrum? Maybe you aren't as aware about how your communication style is perceived. Just a thought.

Discombobulated · Aug 11, 2023 at 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I don’t have the luxury of having to many options as most people I meet tend to be self absorbed.

I see. You are meeting a lot of self absorbed people. Do you feel it’s better to be with these people than be alone?

Discombobulated · Aug 11, 2023 at 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rechu

You may not have said some of the things you were thinking, but she may have perceived what you were feeling. So much communication is nonverbal - tone of voice and, if in person, things like eye contact and body language. I think you mentioned you may be on the spectrum or are on the spectrum? Maybe you aren't as aware about how your communication style is perceived. Just a thought.

I’m going to weigh in here if it’s okay, I know that I personally can come across not quite in the way I intended sometimes. It’s not too uncommon, so if this is something that applies to you jesyka then you’re certainly not alone. There’s strategies to help and no shame or blame at all in it.

rechu · Aug 11, 2023 at 11:13 AM

Good point @Discombobulated . With all that is available online these days, I'm sure there are resources about communications styles and strategies on improving communication.

AzulOscuro · Aug 11, 2023 at 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I have a feeling that nothing would go over well with her. She has an avoidant personality it seems like.

How do you know she has an avoidant personality?

jesyka · Aug 11, 2023 at 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I see. You are meeting a lot of self absorbed people. Do you feel it’s better to be with these people than be alone?

It’s better to be alone. I’m on the verge of giving up on everyone completely 100% for the rest of my life. I can’t keep getting disappointed all the time.

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My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

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rechu Magnate Member Since Apr 2016 Location: Somewhere in South America Posts: 2,247 8 1,046 hugs given	Aug 11, 2023 at 11:13 AM #78 Good point @Discombobulated . With all that is available online these days, I'm sure there are resources about communications styles and strategies on improving communication.
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