Struggling with Unrequited love

I'm having a severe case of limerence (that I'm unable to shake off) that's putting a damper on my overall love life. I just turned 40 years old and I've been single for almost all of my life so far. I don't have kids, but I would love to have at least 1 or 2 before I leave this world... but so far it doesn't seem to be working that way in my life. I feel like my biological clock is ticking away in terms of reproduction. I'm currently in love with my best-friend that I've known over 7 years. I feel so comfortable around him that I can tell him anything that's on my mind without feeling shameful, I even put myself in a vulnerable position. That's how comfortable I am with him. I love everything about him... his personality, most of his traits, and how gentle he is with his kids from a previous marriage.

My best friend knows that I have a crush on him.. I even told him that I loved him..several times now..I might of went a tad bit strong on how I felt back when I attempted to court him because he told me that I was being too strong soon after. I suffer from borderline personality disorder, and I feel that having this personality condition... I'm unable to have any kind of romantic relationship with anyone because I'm just too strong (which I can't help it) in my emotions for people to handle. When I love someone as deeply as I am with my best-friend (Hes also my FP), I let them know from the bottom of my heart and soul how much they mean to me. I'm completely open and honest about how I feel, and I don't hold back either... even so that I told him that I was sexually attracted to him.. which probably wasn't the best idea to say.. I don't know why but I keep messing up big time.. breaking every single rule in the relationship handbook..all of the things that you're not suppose to do... I tend do them for some stupid reason. I guess I'm just too stupid to be in a relationship.

Every so often I become resentful and hold grudges (Or splitting) towards my best-friend for not reciprocating back, for not giving me the opportunity to provide unconditional love to him, and to experience motherhood to his children from his previous marriage which I'm willing to adopt as my own.. I just want to start my own family, but I don't know how to because I wasn't taught how.

I know that my best friend doesn't owe me anything... I just can't shake it off, and face reality that he doesn't see me (He hasn't asked me out nor showed any hints... that I'm aware of) the way I see him. I'm quite sensitive when it comes down to rejection.

I'm a very jealous person. I get jealous of people who has a spouse or a boyfriend. I'm so jealous that I can't even handle watching movies that has relationships in it so I barely watch TV these days.


I feel that I'm destined to be alone... Feeling lonely and being alone seems to be a common feeling for me. I desire and crave love, but I can't seem to find it.

This is a very dangerous predicament. You have just a couple more years left, maybe 5-6, to have biological children and you perseverate in a situation that is clearly dead end. I know it is far easier said than done, but it would be better for you now to take a break from seeing this man.

You said he is also your FP. What does that acronym mean?

Since you have BPD, you probably need therapy to pull yourself out of this relationship and explore more realistic options. Is this possible, to get into therapy? You need someone who can be with you processing your grief over unrequited love.

Is mothering children unpartnered a financial possibility for you?

FP favorite person. People with BPD often choose one person to be on a pedestal and kind of worship in a way for the time being

I’d say that if you are able to maintain friendship is a positive sign that you could maintain connections with people. But I’d say that continue pursuing this man romantically isn’t a good idea and it’s not his or his children responsibility to make sure you experience motherhood. Even if there is no mother at all as she passed away, it still doesn’t mean other people’s kids need to be adopted by anyone else. That’s just not how it works. Perhaps you need to stop seeing this man all together as it is just causing you pain. He’s not available for you and neither are his kids.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, as previous poster suggested, you would greatly benefit from seeing one. Therapist specializing in BPD would be probably the best bet

I think there's allot to unpack here, because the overall issue is not what you can't help, but rather what you choose to value despite its shortcomings. Wanting to endorse your emotions over the value of your friendship with this individual is something you should reevaluate. There's a big difference between sharing and something inposed. Sharing is a place where both parties meet. Imposing is something forced upon another. You choosing to say things that you already know the other party is not wanting to discuss is really placing them in an uncomfortable situation where all of the consideration is being asked of them without any regard from you. Experience is not required here to notice those moments, so much as self awareness and some ownership for what it is you do. If you truly care for this person, then you must realize that respecting their space is a foundational starting point.

I can certainly respect how that emotion can conflict within you. But you always want to step back and see the bigger picture. Is the friendship of no value if its only being used as a vessel for something you want that they do not? That's a fair question and one you must ask yourself. I would also be careful about the desire to have kids. While that is something allot of us want out of life, its also one that comes at great cost, because it requires that you make yourself last in most matters . You have to bring allot of understanding to the table that a child needs from you. And its not when their three years old. Its often much later in life. Children can say allot of things through their course of growing up that will hurt, so you have to be in a better head space that is not so reactionary. Its very easy to want things in life we do not have, because we only see the upside from not having them. But there's allot of work that goes into not only getting these things you want, but taking care of them once you do have them. Your emotional gauge, which you currently say you can't help, is not going to aid you in those short or long term goals, until you learn to reel that in by understanding there's more than just one person in that room with those feelings. Everyone must be considered in that assessment. I wish you the best.

Sounds like you need therapy & to get your own dysfunctional life straightened up before anyone will want to connect closely with you. Just because you want something doesn't mean it is the right time in your life or you are in the right state of mind for it.

My mom didn't have a clue how to be a mom & she & my dad had some huge dysfunctional problems. Speaking from personal experience she/they messed up my childhood & then later on in my life when I needed therapy all she could say was "we never abused you as a child". Abuse is not only physical.

All the traits you listed like jealousy, your emotional disregulation (you can learn to control), ect. .....all drive people away from you not to you. If you want a meaningful relationship (marriage like) you definitely need some good therapy to help you make the changes (that you say you can't help....WRONG, you can!) so you can learn how to have caring, meaningful relationships in your life & not screw up kids lives just cause "you want them". You can have the kind of life you want but it takes work & learning new skills in therapy that it sounds like you don't have. Work on your issues in therapy & in the future you can have the life you want. It is not just an experiment that can fail without messing up other people's lives.

Eagle Tears, has any of the above been relevant? You have received different perspectives.

Your attachment to this guy you call your best friend is unhealthy. I wonder if he, in some way, is encouraging you to hang on to him. He shouldn't. You are infatuated with him to the point of obsession. That is not any basis for true friendship. You are pouring a ton of psychic energy into a direction that is going nowhere.

Find a female friend, or even just a female associate. Feel free to flirt with men you're attracted to, but not after you've been solidly rejected. You're losing out on opportunities because your attention is focused on going down a dead end path.

Therapy might benefit you. Your pattern of behavior is deeply entrenched and would be hard to change. But change is needed. You see how this approach to life is getting you nowhere. With help, you might be able to break out of this. You deserve more than constant unrequited attachment. Life could offer you more, but you must first let go of futile behavior.

Hello guys. Sorry for the severe delay. I do want to thank everyone for their inputs.. I truly do appreciate it. There are some things I agree with and some that I don't. I don't agree with going to a therapists aspect of it because I don't think it will solve any of the issues that I'm currently dealing with. I've had a bad experience with therapists in the past as I find myself feeling a lot worst rather than better, and unfortunately getting therapy isn't free so I'm stuck with picking one from a book that may or may not be good, and I don't want to waste time dealing with it. I'm just struggling with issues that are normal for a human being.

I'm just very lonely and craving for a family that I can call my own that I can't have. I don't want a paid friend.

I am not sure you have a realistic view of therapy if you consider therapist a paid friend. Also, feeling worse in therapy may be a healthy part of the process. You need to feel worse before you can feel better.

And therapy is not only for abnormal processes, but also for issues that are normal for human beings.

Can you describe what in therapy made you feel worse?

I do agree that wanting a relationship and family is a normal thing and not unusual.

However some things that you experience and how you go about that indicates that you need some help. It’s ok not to want therapy but some things do need to be done to help you. I’d focus on looking for a therapist who specializes in BPD. Yes you might feel worse after a session. It’s not uncommon

Are you still friends with this man? I question his integrity. If a male friend declared he’s in love with me and wants sex with me and randomly wants to adopt my child (?), I’d cut the ties because it’s not only bad for me, it’s unfair to him. If this friend keeps hanging out with you, he’s contributing to a problem

Dedicating a favorite person is not part of a normal human experience. I agree that you would be best served by a specialist in BPD.