Divorcing a disordered person

Why would you want her to come home? After everything shee has done to destroy the home life. The kids don’t deserve to be upset again by her and her selfishness’. The kids need you to remain strong and put them first.

She’s the one that moved out and in fact she claimed you harassed her when you asked her to come back! She’s rewriting history and trying to bully you into submission. Despicable. How did you force her????

I think there is a lot of misinformation going around telling women that if they choose to not work their whole life, their husbands will be ordered to support them lavishly for the rest of their lives. But it’s simply not the case in all and every situation. Unless a man is rich celebrity even if she is awarded alimony, it’s not going to last forever and won’t be lavish and if a man is supporting kids there might no alimony.

Also talking about forever is silly. A man will reach old age and won’t work anymore, he falls sick and become disabled, judge gets pissed off with a woman and lowers alimony, houses go up in price etc etc You cannot count on maintaining leisure life after divorce

It’s despicable to plan sucking men dry after divorce. Certainly not if he has full custody of children who live with him

I hope you are joking about wanting her back. Why would you want her back after she spread lies and baseless accusations?

Your last line shows how you have come to see the reality. There was nothing you could have ever done to change the kind of person your wife really is. She is STILL being selfish and self serving. Once you see it you finally realize you don’t want to live your life servicing someone who doesn’t have the capacity to appreciate and respect.

Now is not the time to sell and replace. It’s good that your house didn’t sell when your wife manipulated you into giving up so much and thinking you had to appease her. House prices and interest rates are too high. That has in turn increased the cost of renting.

Also, your wife would not choose the manipulative friends she hangs with unless she is like that herself. This is what that one woman who distanced from this group realized. She saw their toxic game and walked away. People do see it eventually.

Yes I'm joking.

But if her options run out I wouldn't be surprised if she came back.

That will be a hard "no" from me.

RDM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Why would you want her to come home? After everything shee has done to destroy the home life. The kids don’t deserve to be upset again by her and her selfishness’. The kids need you to remain strong and put them first.

From my own personal experience it is not so much wanting them home but waking up to their foolishness & changing to be an adult & living a decent life to show the kids that "good change" can happen.....but we all know never will.

My now ex lost any possibility of being in my life the day (in my case) I walked out the door. It would have been nice if he had changed & better for him.....but 16 years later he owns nothing except the things he wanted so bad that I walked away from. Some people never change & that is something we finally accept & move on with the things we value in life.

I so get divorcing a disordered person only in my case he totally ignored the lawyers letters & the courts. Different disorders but they sure make it hard to deal with them & so many unknowns of how it will go & what they will do. Nornal people are hard to deal with but disordered ones are off the chart impossible

Smart move. She doesn’t get to treat you as a wallet

Your no needs to be firm. It would not be healthy for your children. These years are so important for them to genuinely feel safe to develop their own identity.

You've made pretty amazing progress

Putting on the "reality goggles", breaking the trauma bond, and healing as much as you have is no easy task. Imagine where you'll be a year or two from now? You're completely moving in the right direction.

I feel for you having to navigate it at all, but you're handling it so well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes Your no needs to be firm. It would not be healthy for your children. These years are so important for them to genuinely feel safe to develop their own identity.

Also important not to have a totally bad example of values living in the same house as what they observe on a daily basis

You deserve happiness, RDM

Thank you felineangel.

I think you do to. I think we all do.

RDM

@RDMercer how have things been going?

I hope that your children are firm about not being in a vehicle if your wife is driving should your wife insist on seeing them over the holiday. It’s important your children feel they can set boundaries with that no matter who is driving a vehicle they are a passenger in. Same is true for someone driving while under the influence of marijuana.

Unfortunately too many are very selfish and choose to drive under the influence of alcohol or drugs that put innocent people at risk.

Sadly the holidays are extra challenging where people drink or get high and drive.

Me and the kids are spending the holidays with friends.

Leaving tomorrow for eight days, and dodging any histrionic BS here.

She was told two weeks ago. And there's nothing she can do because I have guardianship.

ROCK ON!

RDMercer

Good for you. Enjoy your holiday with the kids

That was/is a great plan. Will make for a real peaceful holiday get away

Good! Being safe with friends will be good for you and your children. ❤️

Have a happy holiday!

@RDMercer checking ng in to see how things are going with you.

This week has been great.

Tons of family time, the kids got together with some extended family their ages and disappeared from morning until dark two days in a row, lots of food, lots of sleeping in.

No drama. No tension.

I'm sad at times. I wish I was married. I wish who she was during the good times was who she actually was. I wish I had a history with someone.

But I didn't create my situation.

Glad your children enjoyed the holiday and got to create happy memories.

You have taken the time to educate yourself and face some challenging realities. You came here and vented the challenging emotions that surfaced in yourself which is an important part of growing and gaining skills on identifying and regulating these challenging emotions.

It’s ok to be sad at times as you face the reality of what was missing for you. The growth is in finally allowing yourself to see it instead of sacrificing yourself and continuing living in misery. You deserve to have a healthier presence around you in your life that can appreciate and respect you.

So good to hear you are now experiencing good times & normalcy without drama or tension with your kids.

That was what hit me when I left my bad marriage. Everyone told me that you can't escape your problems they will follow you because they are you. In my case those were all lies. It surprised me because my life found normal & peace & I realized that the problem wasn't me & like you, I hadn't created the situations I lived in all my life.

Yeah.

Drama.

I got mad at a kid a few times for leaving food wrappers in their room.

I got mad about faking sick to get out of school, then trying to go out with friends in the evening.

I got angry at them all being home for the whole day on a day off and not picking up after themselves at all.

I got angry at one of them for lying about being on their phone all night after I found it Bluetooth connected to the car at 7am.

And that's it.

That's the "drama" in our home now.

The disorder, tension, disarray, anger, all of it left with one person.

And from what I've seen in court, she's spiraling.

Eskie.... WTF...... Whoever told you it was you wasn't very aware, were they?

RDM

It is so nice when the "drama" is just "normal" kid drama & not the disordered drama you were dealing with before.

Quote:

Eskie.... WTF...... Whoever told you it was you wasn't very aware, were they?

They weren't aware of the whole situation but I am sure the hate & anger I was feeling by that point made it look from the outside that I was the one with the problem....yep I was the one with the "problem" but that problem was my husband, not me.

OMG!

About two years ago in therapy, I said...

"You can only shout 'I'm not crazy! This stuff is real,' a couple of times before anyone looking on from the outside says,'Yeah, he's crazy and what he's saying isn't real.'"

Once I hit that level of gaslighting, and once I became that reactionary, I began disengaging more.

Eskie I'm sorry you went through that. I know what it's like. It's mind bending.

And YES, the "drama" is almost totally normal kid drama! Forgetting chores, being late for the drive to school, BF and GF stuff, just basic stuff.

I'm on vacation until Jan 2nd.

RDM

Today is New Year’s Eve. It’s a good time for you to celebrate the freedom you finally have to enjoy being you instead of constantly trying to please someone who will never see your true value or even care if you are happy.

I am proud of you for finally seeing how you were giving up yourself to someone who was never going to respect or appreciate you. People like your wife are empty and tend to use others along with alcohol to fill a void in themselves. They don’t see you or anyone instead they just USE and feel entitled. They expect to be serviced and tend to objectify.

If she wants drama and booze and pot or whatever and to use let her have it and it’s ok to stand up and say no to having her live that life on your money.