Divorcing a disordered person

eskielover · Dec 12, 2023 at 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Why would you want her to come home? After everything shee has done to destroy the home life. The kids don’t deserve to be upset again by her and her selfishness’. The kids need you to remain strong and put them first.

From my own personal experience it is not so much wanting them home but waking up to their foolishness & changing to be an adult & living a decent life to show the kids that "good change" can happen.....but we all know never will.

My now ex lost any possibility of being in my life the day (in my case) I walked out the door. It would have been nice if he had changed & better for him.....but 16 years later he owns nothing except the things he wanted so bad that I walked away from. Some people never change & that is something we finally accept & move on with the things we value in life.

I so get divorcing a disordered person only in my case he totally ignored the lawyers letters & the courts. Different disorders but they sure make it hard to deal with them & so many unknowns of how it will go & what they will do. Nornal people are hard to deal with but disordered ones are off the chart impossible

divine1966 · Dec 12, 2023 at 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

Yes I'm joking.

But if her options run out I wouldn't be surprised if she came back.

That will be a hard "no" from me.

RDM

Smart move. She doesn’t get to treat you as a wallet

Open Eyes · Dec 12, 2023 at 11:44 AM

Your no needs to be firm. It would not be healthy for your children. These years are so important for them to genuinely feel safe to develop their own identity.

ArmorPlate108 · Dec 12, 2023 at 12:41 PM

You've made pretty amazing progress

Putting on the "reality goggles", breaking the trauma bond, and healing as much as you have is no easy task. Imagine where you'll be a year or two from now? You're completely moving in the right direction.

I feel for you having to navigate it at all, but you're handling it so well.

eskielover · Dec 12, 2023 at 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Your no needs to be firm. It would not be healthy for your children. These years are so important for them to genuinely feel safe to develop their own identity.

Also important not to have a totally bad example of values living in the same house as what they observe on a daily basis

felineangel · Dec 12, 2023 at 04:37 PM

You deserve happiness, RDM

RDMercer · Dec 12, 2023 at 08:32 PM

Thank you felineangel.

I think you do to. I think we all do.

RDM

Open Eyes · Dec 22, 2023 at 12:37 PM

@RDMercer how have things been going?

I hope that your children are firm about not being in a vehicle if your wife is driving should your wife insist on seeing them over the holiday. It’s important your children feel they can set boundaries with that no matter who is driving a vehicle they are a passenger in. Same is true for someone driving while under the influence of marijuana.

Unfortunately too many are very selfish and choose to drive under the influence of alcohol or drugs that put innocent people at risk.

Sadly the holidays are extra challenging where people drink or get high and drive.

RDMercer · Dec 22, 2023 at 04:19 PM

Me and the kids are spending the holidays with friends.

Leaving tomorrow for eight days, and dodging any histrionic BS here.

She was told two weeks ago. And there's nothing she can do because I have guardianship.

ROCK ON!

RDMercer

divine1966 · Dec 22, 2023 at 05:22 PM

Good for you. Enjoy your holiday with the kids

eskielover · Dec 22, 2023 at 05:42 PM

That was/is a great plan. Will make for a real peaceful holiday get away

Open Eyes · Dec 22, 2023 at 08:21 PM

Good! Being safe with friends will be good for you and your children. ❤️

Have a happy holiday!

Open Eyes · Dec 28, 2023 at 07:52 PM

@RDMercer checking ng in to see how things are going with you.

RDMercer · Dec 28, 2023 at 11:57 PM

This week has been great.

Tons of family time, the kids got together with some extended family their ages and disappeared from morning until dark two days in a row, lots of food, lots of sleeping in.

No drama. No tension.

I'm sad at times. I wish I was married. I wish who she was during the good times was who she actually was. I wish I had a history with someone.

But I didn't create my situation.

Open Eyes · Dec 29, 2023 at 03:37 AM

Glad your children enjoyed the holiday and got to create happy memories.

You have taken the time to educate yourself and face some challenging realities. You came here and vented the challenging emotions that surfaced in yourself which is an important part of growing and gaining skills on identifying and regulating these challenging emotions.

It’s ok to be sad at times as you face the reality of what was missing for you. The growth is in finally allowing yourself to see it instead of sacrificing yourself and continuing living in misery. You deserve to have a healthier presence around you in your life that can appreciate and respect you.

eskielover · Dec 29, 2023 at 09:18 AM

So good to hear you are now experiencing good times & normalcy without drama or tension with your kids.

That was what hit me when I left my bad marriage. Everyone told me that you can't escape your problems they will follow you because they are you. In my case those were all lies. It surprised me because my life found normal & peace & I realized that the problem wasn't me & like you, I hadn't created the situations I lived in all my life.

RDMercer · Dec 29, 2023 at 05:57 PM

Yeah.

Drama.

I got mad at a kid a few times for leaving food wrappers in their room.

I got mad about faking sick to get out of school, then trying to go out with friends in the evening.

I got angry at them all being home for the whole day on a day off and not picking up after themselves at all.

I got angry at one of them for lying about being on their phone all night after I found it Bluetooth connected to the car at 7am.

And that's it.

That's the "drama" in our home now.

The disorder, tension, disarray, anger, all of it left with one person.

And from what I've seen in court, she's spiraling.

Eskie.... WTF...... Whoever told you it was you wasn't very aware, were they?

RDM

eskielover · Dec 30, 2023 at 01:52 AM

It is so nice when the "drama" is just "normal" kid drama & not the disordered drama you were dealing with before.

Quote:

Eskie.... WTF...... Whoever told you it was you wasn't very aware, were they?

They weren't aware of the whole situation but I am sure the hate & anger I was feeling by that point made it look from the outside that I was the one with the problem....yep I was the one with the "problem" but that problem was my husband, not me.

RDMercer · Dec 31, 2023 at 12:37 AM

OMG!

About two years ago in therapy, I said...

"You can only shout 'I'm not crazy! This stuff is real,' a couple of times before anyone looking on from the outside says,'Yeah, he's crazy and what he's saying isn't real.'"

Once I hit that level of gaslighting, and once I became that reactionary, I began disengaging more.

Eskie I'm sorry you went through that. I know what it's like. It's mind bending.

And YES, the "drama" is almost totally normal kid drama! Forgetting chores, being late for the drive to school, BF and GF stuff, just basic stuff.

I'm on vacation until Jan 2nd.

RDM

Open Eyes · Dec 31, 2023 at 12:15 PM

Today is New Year’s Eve. It’s a good time for you to celebrate the freedom you finally have to enjoy being you instead of constantly trying to please someone who will never see your true value or even care if you are happy.

I am proud of you for finally seeing how you were giving up yourself to someone who was never going to respect or appreciate you. People like your wife are empty and tend to use others along with alcohol to fill a void in themselves. They don’t see you or anyone instead they just USE and feel entitled. They expect to be serviced and tend to objectify.

If she wants drama and booze and pot or whatever and to use let her have it and it’s ok to stand up and say no to having her live that life on your money.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Disordered thinking	cool09	Schizoaffective Disorder	1	Oct 11, 2022 03:21 AM
Am I personality disordered?!	MRM2019	Personality Place	3	Nov 09, 2019 06:16 PM
Disordered eating or ED?	arya103	Eating Disorders	3	Jan 17, 2015 11:59 AM
Disordered eating	medicalfox	Eating Disorders	9	Nov 07, 2013 02:51 AM
New and disordered	Gleek592	New Member Introductions	8	Jul 28, 2010 03:42 PM

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Divorcing a disordered person

My Support Forums

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,179 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.4k hugs given	Dec 12, 2023 at 11:44 AM #83 Your no needs to be firm. It would not be healthy for your children. These years are so important for them to genuinely feel safe to develop their own identity.
	Reply With Quote

ArmorPlate108 Member Member Since Mar 2022 Location: In the west Posts: 409 2 1,031 hugs given	Dec 12, 2023 at 12:41 PM #84 You've made pretty amazing progress Putting on the "reality goggles", breaking the trauma bond, and healing as much as you have is no easy task. Imagine where you'll be a year or two from now? You're completely moving in the right direction. I feel for you having to navigate it at all, but you're handling it so well.
	Reply With Quote

felineangel Account Suspended Member Since Jul 2023 Posts: 614 529 hugs given	Dec 12, 2023 at 04:37 PM #86 You deserve happiness, RDM
	Reply With Quote

RDMercer Grand Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 776 11 64 hugs given	Dec 12, 2023 at 08:32 PM #87 Thank you felineangel. I think you do to. I think we all do. RDM
	Reply With Quote

RDMercer Grand Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 776 11 64 hugs given	Dec 22, 2023 at 04:19 PM #89 Me and the kids are spending the holidays with friends. Leaving tomorrow for eight days, and dodging any histrionic BS here. She was told two weeks ago. And there's nothing she can do because I have guardianship. ROCK ON! RDMercer
	Reply With Quote

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,533 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,280 hugs given	Dec 22, 2023 at 05:22 PM #90 Good for you. Enjoy your holiday with the kids
	Reply With Quote

eskielover Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Oct 2004 Location: Kentucky, USA Posts: 24,828 (SuperPoster!) 19 14.7k hugs given	Dec 22, 2023 at 05:42 PM #91 That was/is a great plan. Will make for a real peaceful holiday get away __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,179 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.4k hugs given	Dec 22, 2023 at 08:21 PM #92 Good! Being safe with friends will be good for you and your children. ❤️ Have a happy holiday!
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,179 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.4k hugs given	Dec 28, 2023 at 07:52 PM #93 @RDMercer checking ng in to see how things are going with you.
	Reply With Quote