[bbat]

Hello all! I’m a 25 years old male. Let me give you a quick summary of my past and then I'll talk about today.

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12 or 13. I was afraid of going to hell and in order to deal with this uncertainty I asked people lots of questions, looked up religions that can give me the guarantee that I'll go to heaven or at least I'll be ok that nothing bad is gonna happen when I die.

I kind of got rid of this when I was 19 by listening to logical arguments by some skeptics.

Now, my biggest problem is the fact that I'm scared of not finding love again. I met with a woman when I was 21 and she was 31. It lasted for 1,5 years.

After that I tried finding a girlfriend but couldn't manage it somehow. I'm 25 now and incredibly needy. There're "what if" thoughts on my mind all the time. "What if she doesn't reply to my text? What if we go on a date but then she doesn't want to see me again? What if she misunderstands me kissing her on the cheek?" etc.

And probably because of these thoughts I've scared women that I've met away. I kept texting them to get guarantee that if we're gonna certainly meet or to understand that if they're still interested, etc.

I just need a guarantee that I'm gonna find a girlfriend. I know that life doesn't give guarantees but I just can't live that way. I also need to know that I'm not cursed or I don't have unluck in my life. I'm scared of being alone forever or finding someone only when I got old.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist now. Before him, I've seen many different psychiatrists and psychologists, used lots of meds; none of them worked properly. And some people say that the meds don't cure, they only help you with the symptoms. And that's very discouraging.

Doctors say that I still have OCD. In fact it's a resistant OCD. I also have an intolerance to uncertainty. I'm also very needy. When women don't reply to my text, I get highly anxious, those "what if" thoughts start coming into my mind and they leave me paralyzed with fear and anxiety.

I have no idea what to do.

Any advice? Thanks.

[CANDC]

Welcome to MSF @bbat - I am sorry you feel so anxious. That must be rough on you when trying to meet new people.

Have you considered asking your psychiatrist for advice? There are some support groups you could find by searching online.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

[bbat]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Welcome to MSF @bbat - I am sorry you feel so anxious. That must be rough on you when trying to meet new people.

Have you considered asking your psychiatrist for advice? There are some support groups you could find by searching online.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

My psychiatrist said that this is the best psychiatry can do right now which is giving medication mostly. He also said that maybe in the future a better cure for OCD might come up but until then I have to kind of suffer with this condition.

He also mentioned that the age 25 is still too young for relationships and I shouldn't worry that much.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I think you know what the root of the problem is - life doesn't provide guarantees and yet you need them. This is a huge mismatch between reality and your expectations and since reality cannot be modified, the only way to achieve a more tolerable experience of living for you is to modify the expectations.

I think some behavioral modifications might be in order to solve some of the most urgent problems you are reporting. Say, if you set a rule for yourself: never text a woman again if you have texted something that then requires her response. Never, ever text again. Make it a hard, non-negotiable rule. Since you came to this website, i.e., this forum, you can use this thread to air your anxiety when a woman doesn't instantly respond to your texts. Write about your feelings while you wait for her response, but do not text her again and, obviously, do not ask her for any guarantees. Of course you come across as needy when you ask for guarantees. You also come across as super neurotic. You need to learn to be cool, easy-going, and independent. Since obviously you aren't any of that by nature, you need skills and a desire to inhabit a different persona as if you were acting. The mindset of acting, inhabiting a role will free you from worry that you are being asked to become someone you are not by nature - no, it is not that, but you are just acting cool and chic.

There have been peofessional actors who had stammer IRL but were able to reach the heights of eloquence when in character.

I imagine that AI, possibly Character.ai, can help you. Say, you receive a text from a woman. Before responding, tell AI that it is to write a response as a very confident cool man would write it. See what AI generates for you, and if it is any good, modify and edit so that it sounds human and is in accordance with your own style and use of punctuation and spelling, and send your response to the woman. This strategy has an added benefit of inserting time to think between your receiving a text from a woman and your response. When you have time to think, you are less likely to impulsively ask for guarantees or fall into your usual pattern of exhibiting neediness.

Yours is definitely a very hard problem, but you can try solving it but by bit.

Regarding going to hell, atheism is the simplest worldview to adopt that would rule out that possibility for you, but everything has a flip side, unfortunately, so atheism would rule out heavens, too. I think in your case it is a reasonable trade-off.

[NovaBlaze]

Hello @bbat, your post really resonated with me. I just wanted to say that I can empathise with your current situation. I suffered from OCD from a very young age, and it really impacted my life. The rituals I had to go through, for fear that if I didn’t then terrible things would happen to me, nearly drove me to breakdown and exhaustion. When I was a kid discussing this stuff with anyone was out of the question - very taboo. As I got into my mid twenties, information in the form of self-help books really helped me to understand more about myself, my thoughts, and emotions, and to develop strategies that helped enormously. You can get through this and improve your life. I still have to work on it now, but then life is without a doubt a continual work in progress. I just wanted to say that life can get better - there is always hope. Never give up.

There is a lot of information available now, both in the online digital world and printed word, on the issues you are experiencing. It’s a matter of sifting through it, being prepared to investigate and learn. It’s good that you are seeking support from other people. By seeking support you will find solutions to your problems - Tart Cherry Jam’s and CANDC’s replies offer good advice.

Your desire for guarantees in life also hit home to me too. I’ve suffered from this my whole life. It can be a very debilitating and damaging thought process. Therapy most definitely helped me deal with this aspect. I wish I could tell you I found the cure, but I have not. However, with therapy, self-help, self-care, professional support, and patience, life can be good and you can find peace. At the age of 60, I’m glad I worked through some very dark times to get where I am now. There are still bad days, but I’m better equipped to deal with them, and you will be too with time, support and experience.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I hope you continue to tell us more about your situation, and hopefully your progress over time.

Jeff.