Emotional Neediness

My Therapist is noticing lately that my needs are not getting met and that I've been reaching out to others too much to fill a hole of emptiness that's within me or that I latch on to the wrong people and things. It's rare that I'm satisfied. The feeling doesn't last too long when I do experience some level of satisfaction. I often get very frustrated, sad, and often rejected when my expectations aren't met.

I thought more about what she said, and this is a real struggle for me lately. I tend to reach out to both people and things for comfort, but it's usually either 1. the wrong people to reach out to, who can actually trigger me. This is especially unhealthy when I'm manic or 2. Engaging in unhealthy habits/behaviors

I've also been super sensitive lately about what others think of me. I guess I'm afraid of losing the people I have in my life, so I analyze if I say or do the wrong things. I'm looking for some healthy ideas/ways of coping that doesn't require relying on others for your own happiness. Yes, I have some healthy people in my life, but I don't want to rely too much on them either. I don't really know where to begin. Can anyone else relate? What do you try to do?

Sometimes everyone longs for things they don't have, never had, or perhaps lost. Perhaps try to acknowledge and accept those feelings. Find positive (and realistic) ways to reach for the things you long for. It is hard to give up unhealthy habits/behaviors unless you find healthy things to replace them with. If the healthy people in your life will spend time with you, take advantage of that. Find concrete things to do for them to show your appreciation. Read, see, and be with positive people and media/books. Do kind things and spend time cultivating your spiritual development. It's OK to be unhappy sometimes, it just makes us appreciate happy times even more.....

I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I need my friends at PC too much. It makes me feel guilty I want to be loved, that's the hole I'm trying to fill.. I know I have to love myself first.. but I don't know how to do that,and no one is willing to teach me

Big hugs

I can relate. My t recommends staying busy, exercise, take s class, find social groups etc especially she emphasized limiting idle time

Thanks everyone. I definitely have a lot of work to do. I need to stop dwelling, and I'm very hard on myself. I get so focused on little things I've said and done, and the thoughts play over and over in my head repetitively, non-stop.

Then, I start thinking that everyone is judging me and turn their back on me. I read into everything and begin to cling on to others at times out of fear that they'll walk away, although I know this is unhealthy. I rely too much on their validation and care for me, instead of being able to take care of myself and accept myself.

I try to stay busy with work and other activities. The problem is, my mind wanders, the anxiety gets so intense that sometimes I can't distract myself. I start crying randomly, because intrusive thoughts enter my mind that tell me I do everything wrong. I know I need to change my thought process. It will take a while. Hopefully therapy will continue helping.

Raven it is very hard when you need emotional reassurance from others and they turn round and find that you are too needy,if like me the minute people sense I need them they become rejecting.I went through this process for years,I was depending too much in this respect on people who abused me and my needs and trust.I was forced to separate from these people and rely completely on myself, so I was finding myself needy and desperate and completely alone,instead of clinging on to just anyone I went into freefall,got in touch with my inner child who was feeling neglected and now abandoned and I started talking to her,looking after her ,giving her attention and emotional validation so that she started talking back and feeling good and strong and no longer needy,she grew up and the adult me continued to support her and me,I learnt self love,self validation,self support.No longer did I need people emotionally to validate me and fill the hole,there wasn't anymore emptiness.I could emotionally support myself and no more did I need to people to lean on.Surprise I then started finding myself in demand other people liked me and wanted me around,then smelt independence and self supporting,self sustaining,confident,capable vibes off me and wanted me around.

I it a big change from emotionally clingy and needy to independent and self supporting but it is worth experiencing the two opposites,once you have overcome neediness to become emotionally strong and independent from a cling needy state the positive side of it is you never have to go back to feeling,empty,needy and clingy again cos you have grown all the strength to validate yourself emotionally and loving yourself and that poor inner child is the key.

I thought I would share all this with you because it is what is my experience and what has helped me,I hope sharing this with you helps you Raven and I am here to help more if you want to talk more.Overcoming negativity in your thoughts is another big step and I hope you therapist can help you with that.

Thanks so much, Marylin for your encouragement and for sharing your own personal experience. The word "process" stuck out for me, and that it will take time.

I still cry nearly every day and have difficulties looking within and finding what it is that I need. Sometimes I feel I'm desperately looking to fill a void. I judge myself whenever I let my needs be known, out of shame when I sense I'm being needy. It's like a sense of urgency I have: needing everything right away, although that is unrealistic and unhealthy.

Then, it's part of the cycle for me to beat myself up, feeling I messed everything up, and now I'll be abandoned as a result. I know it must sound simple to many to just stop this vicious cycle, but the thoughts and urges are so automatic and ingrained in me. I hope my therapist can meet me where I'm at in the process. She won't be back for a couple of weeks, so I'm trying to fight these feelings on my own.

I'm glad that you were able to work through these particular issues. I'm sure it took a lot of hard work, healing, and facing a lot of difficult and painful things in order to address this and move forward. Hopefully with time, I can too.

Hi Raven, Yes, I can relate. So I want to extend my support. I have gone above and beyond reaching out for help in the past, trying to be heard and get my needs met by other people I know in real life. I can also relate to reaching out to people who are triggering. and yes, there have been times when my issues have felt urgent. And while I don't feel that way lately, it could happen again. Lately, for a while, I have been dealing with my emotions in different ways, not going to certain people, etc. At first, like, a few months ago, it was really hard and uncomfortable to change like that. But it gets better. So don't beat yourself up if you go to someone who you wish you hadn't.

I think you asked what we do? Here's what I do to deal with my emotions: post on PsychCentral, call a helpline, take a hot bath, listen to music I like, keep my hands busy somehow by knitting or drawing, distract myself by listening to a podcast or watching a lighthearted movie or a funny video on Youtube. Clean. Yeah, you read that right. It relaxes me. Walking around the block, exercising or dancing in my room, even just walking up the stairs can help.

Sometimes I freeze, and when I'm feeling badly, I don't even want to do any of these things to feel better. It takes effort. So I do the easiest thing I can think of of all my tools. And if I break and call my friend who is kind of a turd sometimes, I do.

Thank you, starrysky I tried to take a nap today, but since I felt restless and sad, I took a shower and feel slightly better. I think I also have to stop paying attention to my phone since it can trigger....especially text, because it's easy to over analyze and interpret things wrong or care too much about what others think of me.

You give a lot of good advice. I took a hot shower, which helped somewhat snap out of feeling completely hopeless and self-critical. I love youtube and music. I should make a list of things that help keep me occupied and away from what's triggering me.

Even if it helps give a little bit of relief, it's better than crying all day and could help keep me in the moment (although that will take a whole lot of practicing right now. The ruminating thoughts are terrible). By the way, I like dancing in my room as well.

I'll keep trying. Some days are harder than others, and some days I feel like giving up, but I'll start trying some of the tools that can make things easier with time.

Some days are hard yes,I feel needy tonight I have been triggered,my PTSD is showing symptoms.My nasty psyco narcissist sister got into my house again tonight while I was out with my niece and put stuff that wasn't there in it and moved stuff around again.She did it last June and I changed the locks and she still has the old keys,she can get in the back patio door if I go out and forget to lock the indoor patio lock,which I had done,developed a habit of not locking it thinking she wouldn't dare try it,she did.

It is doing me a favour I realised she manipulated me into giving her information over my mum's cancer and mum had sucked me into running round after her taking the load off my sister so this is a warning to get back the focus on myself.I feel needy and I feel under threat.I have no one to turn to to lean on.I can't afford counselling until April.
I am sick of the whole situation.Over two years I cut the narc sister out of my life she won't leave me alone still wants to use me and hurt me at every opportunity.Last June she was letting herself into my house and now she has started it again trying to get in.I don't want to get CCTV I don't like that,so maybe backing off and not seeing mum will help cos mum tells the ***** everything so she would know my comings and goings.

Yes I am needy and needing support but got no one to lean on but myself.
Not even my niece will see my side on this one.
I hate my sister so much Oh it hurts so much and I feel humiliated,attacked,violated and sucked in,it is getting to me so badly.I am going to have to ring domestic violence support again.

Wow, thank you both for your posts. That helps encourage me in coping skills that I've used in the past that work. Like dancing in my room and listening to music. Wish you both a great day today.

i know what you mean about hating your sister. my eldest sister called me a vegetable for years after an accident i was in. she got the others in the family, 9 of them ,to call me that too. unbelievably just this past year she got close with me, and sent me 100 dollars in a card this year!!! we finally made up, i'm 56 and she's 57. yes it took that long too!

Only I will never make up with my sister,not after she literally tried to bring about my death and keeps getting into my home without permission.I am not waiting to make up with her whatever gave you that idea?I want her thousands of miles away from me forever where she can't hurt me anymore,I do not want her back in my life again ever!

Marylin,
(((HUGS))) I'm so sorry to hear all the pain you have been put through by your sister. Those who are narcissistic can cause so much emotional damage (and physical), especially since there are so many people with these patterns who will never admit to having a problem or take responsibility for their actions.

You are a very compassionate person and have a lot of strengths. You always have support here.