gah! dealing with neediness?

sorry, not sure which forum is better for this post...

my head's been all over the place today. The general gist of it has been a sense of overwhelming neediness around talking to T. I've gone through a whole host of thoughts and reactions to myself in my head all morning and they all feel like different attempts at getting me to contact T for some reason. It feels really manipulative; like part of me is trying to manipulate my more rational self into calling T. It's very disconcerting...

I've gone through everything from the little kid inside really wanting to talk to T, to tantruming that I won't call her, to a huge sense of disconnect, to threatening self-harm... this is all going on inside my head. all different sides of myself. dunno how to describe it. it's not DID, but just different aspects that are all really disconnected and distinct from one another...

anyway... yeah, so now I'm wondering if I should just give in and call T in hopes that this all stops. It feels like a desperate attempt to find any reason or rationale for calling her. I feel like I'm being manipulated (by myself... I know, bear with me) to call her, and part of me is also being stubborn about maintaining distance and a boundary...

I feel like I'm trying to mediate an arguement within myself, but now I'm doubting the resolve to refrain from contacting T...

Is this all really stupid? coz it feels like it. I should be able to do this. I should be able to get through the weekend and rest of the week without having to contact her. Grr!

Someone please tell me to put my big girl pants on and shut up & deal? No calling T. Not falling into that trap of being all needy and attached. Nope. No. Not gonna do it... :headdesk:

Hi ThisWayOut, I have felt exactly the same way at times. I want to reach out but then I don't want to be to needy. What if he rejects or abandons me? I couldn't bare it!! When I go to therapy he is very helpful and supportive and when it's over I fear I won't make it until the next session. He is my safety net! I have had to really reserve my calls to him for crisis. I do understand how you feel though, sometimes I wondered if I was exaggerating my feelings to be in touch with him and then I would fear he could see right through me. Good thing my only contact is by calling. no texts or e-mails or else I'd be reaching out even more. This therapy thing is not easy!!!!Be kind to yourself . You know what you need to do. You know your relationship with your T. Try discussing these feelings concerns with your T to come up with a plan. No ease answers I'M afraid just do one day one moment at a time!

When I've felt like that, it usually doesn't go away until I contact T.

I've finally gotten to the point where I will just contact her and tell her I'm not sure what I need from her, I just have an overwhelming need to reach out and make contact.

If I think email is enough, then I'll just do that, knowing that I won't get an immediate response. I usually take this option on weekends or late evenings. If it's during her regular working day or not too much after, I'll either call or text.

I try to be respectful of my T's personal time while at the same time meeting the need to contact her.

Hi

I understand completely. I've felt the same way at different times. Lately I've started writing an email with everything I want to say and then waiting 24 hrs to make sure I still want to say what I have written. If I feel my brain is trying to manipulate a response sometimes I'll tell her that. I'll say my brain needs reassurance you are still there and we are ok. She responds accordingly and I appreciate that.

Try writing out what you want to say and then waiting.

What would be so terrible about calling your T even if it's only for the connection? As far as the parts, it doesn't sound weird to me because my T and have done IFS which is about different parts of your personality. It doesn't mean you have DID. Sometimes a part wants something very badly, so if it's not dangerous, listen to that part.

Are you afraid your T will think you're silly or weak for calling or is that what you're telling yourself? I know some people say to wait it out but my opinion is "why torture yourself"?

thanks all.
I'm not quite sure where the sudden and intense neediness is coming from. I'm not sure what I would want from her. And I have a lot of judgement around calling to bug her... I've tried writing as if I were're writing to her, I've tried writing to myself. I've tried to reason myself both out of and into calling her. There's a lot of worry about feeling annoying if I call her, though she has said it's ok. Maybe I need to ask her to tell me it's not ok? I don't really know...
I'm afraid the neediness won't go away till I give in to it and just call, but I also don't want to go through the safety conversation again (I feel like it's manipulative to call, because she will think it's a safety issue when it's not)... I don't want to be someone she dreads seeing or getting calls from... :/
At the same time that it's not about the self harm right now, it just keeps escalating in that direction. That also makes it feel really manipulative... I think there's also a worry that she will decide I'm not in a place to deal with the trauma stuff I'm there to deal with, so I'll be closed out and referred elsewhere... and if she picks up the phone when I call, I won't know what to say to her...
this sucks...

I also have those internal fights with myself. My T. doesn't allow texts, doesn't email and no calls. Now, if I was in absolute crisis, had a death in family or something like that she would be fine with me reaching out. But the general rule is no feelings through text because it can lead to a misunderstanding which is has before.
I usually try to distract myself and/or write a letter to her. When I'm having a melt down, I type as I'm upset. All sorts of feelings come out that I normally wouldn't be able to say in therapy. Then, I bring in what I've typed and read it to her.
I haven't done that in awhile but I did that for several sessions when I was having a hard time talking about my feelings.
Hang in there. I also usually find that my longings/neediness lessen with time. Thursdays are my "hump" days, so I'm ok if I can make it to then. Then, it's just making it through the weekend until my sessions on Mondays.
It's very hard and not much of a solution. I've asked my T. how to make it easier but I think it will just take time. It will take trial and error to see that she's still there for me, isn't going anywhere, etc.

Hmmm I see. Whenever my brain and anxiety give me this much hassle about an issue then sometimes I just do whatever it is to take the power away.

How about calling and saying hey its ThisWayOut. Just wondered if we could schedule a check in when you are free. It's not about self harm or anything like that, I just feel a bit wobbly and wanted to touch base to help feel grounded again.

Ended up leaving message for t. She called back and I felt like an *** because I couldn't put words around anything. Oh well. She was nice about it though... gonna ask next session that she tell me is not ok to call. Don't like being all flustered. :/

I am not sure all of the background that goes into this obviously, but in a general way I can say that I think that people get a little hung up about issues of neediness, not necessarily because of their own individual history per se (though that seems the biggest link), but because there are social or cultural norms that tell us that neediness is somehow wrong or bad or weak or whatever. Not sure if that is the case here, but generally it is often the case.

One of the things that therapy does is reactivate dormant or incompleted tasks including attachment ones, where neediness is prominent. And to be expected. In fact it is mainly healthy and a good sign if someone feels some amount of this. We are all relational and intersubjective, hard wired to be so, and this relationality in therapy can work to produce affect regulation and a stronger more consolidated sense of self.

We live in a culture, most of us anyway, where some things are put down as being dependent, when it is actually an interdependence that is a more healthy, evolved state. To get there we often have to go through states of increased need and contact, depending on where and how we got derailed.

Not sure if this helps since it's more general, but just feels like it might.

I do not see a problem with contacting the therapist if it might help. The ones I see have encouraged it (the second one tells me every week to call her). I rarely call them because it is not something I have found to be useful the few times I have tried it. But I do think it is not a bad thing to do if it would be helpful.

I agree with stop dog. Do what is helpful. Perhaps go easier on yourself a bit if you can do that.

From my own experience with my therapy process, my former therapist was rather distant about contact, but my current one sees that my reaching out needs to be answered because of a serious early deprivation. He doesn't do this with everyone. He determines which clients need what type of thing and tries to do what is most beneficial. Also I see this as stage dependent. In other words, there will be times when I feel that reaching out is really important and other times when I can move through things, hardly thinking about that.

I am lucky that I have a very flexible and nuanced therapist who sees each person as distinct in the way they should be approached and handled. He has no overarching rules which is not to say that he has no principles or boundaries.

But he has also somehow instilled in me the capacity to become more flexible with myself and tolerate the variety of states and phases I may be in, try to do the best considering the circumstances, and not be too involved with judging it all.