[LMo]

That's all I want to say about it. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Better here than blowing up at him.

(((Lmo))))
yeah, thats not something you need right now.

Your probably extra sensitive to it right now as well.

(((hugs)))

[LMo]

Thanks - I think pretty much ANYONE would be at their wit's end with him. It's the same old responsibility-vs-anxiety crap that I've been dealing with for the past 8 years. I've stopped trying to solve it or question it - I don't ever see him changing but MAN it places an unwanted burden on me!

But, I have a lot of stuff to do today and I can't let him slow me down. So here I go!

[LMo]

Argh

He slept until 11:30am, despite me making him coffee, toasting a bagel, gently trying to get him into conversation to wake him up. He told me before bed that he would have to get up early to study before his 12:45pm class today. Yet he wouldn't get up. Finally, 11:30am he wakes up, and now at 1:15pm he is storming around the house insisting that there is no point in going to class because he already missed his quiz. What? WHAT? So he just skips class altogether, leaving me TRAPPED in a house with an angry irrational person on MY day off? He's also finding a way to blame it on ME, saying that if I hadn't been bugging him, he could have gotten the sleep he needed and would have gotten up earlier.

I love him to death and I do realize that his anxiety has control over him right now, but this IS MY DAY OFF!!!

I would never call him "lazy" or "irresponsible" to his face because in my opinion, people tend to rise or lower themselves to your expectations, but... the fact is that he's lazy and irresponsible, anxiety or no anxiety.

If I could think of a "consequence" to his behavior, I would surely issue it... but there is no consequence that I can think of that doesn't also adversely impact ME.

That's why I am trapped.

[LMo]

Well, we just had a huge blowout. He is normally so mild-mannered - you'd think after 8 years together I'd be accustomed to the exceptions, but he started cursing and yelling because I wouldn't give him the password to MY computer (I don't even know why he needed it) because I thought he should be at school. I told him that he needs to leave the house - I will not be yelled at or cursed at, nor is it good for our baby to feel this tension, and he wouldn't leave. I started crying, and the more I cried, the louder he yelled and it ended with him breaking a bunch of stuff on his homework table and he stormed off somewhere ... I think he's still in the house but I'm not sure where. I just finshed a solid 20 minutes of sobbing my eyes out and now I don't know what to do. I had such hopes for getting stuff done today - the house just has piles and piles of bills and papers and magazines and clothes that doesn't magically disappear while I'm at work and today I wanted to tackle it all but this house isn't big enough for both me while trying to clean and an angry man. I resent the amount of effort it will take me to clean "around" him - I don't want the tension of being even on the same floor as he. Yes, I suppose *I* could leave, but it's MY HOUSE and MY DAY OFF. He's supposed to be at school right now!

I am beside myself and am starting to cry again.

I also just realized that he hasn't taken his meds today....

[LMo]

he's also completely out of Strattera - I asked him last week if he was close to needing a refill and he said no. According to the bottle, he would have been finished with it 3 days ago.

[nothemama8]

sweetie, do what i do, call the meds in, give him his meds everyday like i do papas, then tell him the baby will be out to play with him soon, ( just joking on this one )
Love ya
Angie

[LMo]

I'm on the phone with the pharmacy right now. Thanks Ange...

[pegasus]

Oh, (((((((((( LMo ))))))))))))) Hugs to you, I understand more than you'll ever know.

I think you are gonna have to have a chat with him about taking responsibility for himself more otherwise you are going to be running yourself into the gound especially when the baby is here. He is going to have to help YOU!

I hope things calm down for you real soon.

[bebop]

((((LMO))))

[LMo]

Turns out he stopped taking it 2 weeks ago, deliberately. He's decided to quit cold-turkey. I am hurt and furious that he wouldn't have discussed it with me first. I completely support his right to take or not take medication, but since we live together, the least he could have done was respect my request to discuss medication decisions with me. When I was 7, my neighbor's wife quit her psych. meds without supervision and ended up shooting her husband in the head during a hallucination, saying that she was saving him from having to live with someone like her. I don't think that Strattera has that risk, but is it asking too much to be a team on this???

[LMo]

Thanks Bebop and Pegasus. Truth is that I don't expect him to help much with the baby. He's very nurturing and that is what I'm hoping that he'll contribute, but he doesn't pitch in now so why would that change later? I got into this knowing that I'd probably be on my own for taking care of everything, and I am still glad that I made the decision to have this baby, but I know that I can't count on him. That's the reality.

The good news is that he has calmed down and agreed to leave the house for a little while to give me some peace.

[Perna]

It's so hard when people need help not to infantalize them. At least he won't get much sympathy that it was your fault if he uses the excuse, "my wife woke me too soon to get here in time" :-)

I got frustrated with my husband this afternoon who "didn't see" me walking down the middle of the street with a cat on my shoulder, in the rain, right in front of him.

I'm glad he went out for a bit and that you're on the West Coast so you have some time still (it's almost dinner time here on the East Coast).

[LMo]

Thanks Perna - he's still here, but since he had calmed down and apologized to both me and to the baby, I said he could stay. I didn't need to be alone per se - I just needed the angry hostile man out of my house, and that person seems to have left so it's fine.

We talked for a while and I think it all comes down to the poor coping skills he has. He says that I can't understand that my solutions are not "simple" for someone who thinks and feels the way he does, and he's probably right. To me, it seems simple to forgo the sleep before class and make up for it after class. It seems simple to me that if he's fallen behind on his schoolwork or doesn't understand the project requirements, that he should make an appointment to talk with his professor to get additional guidance. Yes, it all seems simple to me, but obviously it doesn't to him. I've given up on finding "experts" to help him develop more mature coping skills - he is completely resistant to it and is very stuck in bad patterns. My only hope is that he manages to bulldoze his way however he can to finish his degree - I think that a structured work environment will be a little easier on him than an unstructured school environment. And hopefully he'll grow up a little between now and his first job as well. You can only blame the stupid teacher or the stupid boss or the stupid wife for so long before the pattern is obvious to everyone that the problem might not be with all of the "stupid" "other" people. I hope he gets it someday. But then again, some people NEVER get it, and I pray he's not going to be one of them.

Lmo, maybe its time for you to make that move to the moon with me.

[LMo]

That's sounding pretty good right about now, Rainbowzz...

[eskielover]

LMo,

I am reading your post & looking at 32 years of that crap....I hate to say this, but soon, you will have 2 babies to be caring for.....it's sad that we women put up with their crap....& all they do is continually hand it out without caring one bit how they effect us....it's all about them.

My husband did the not talking to me thing....this time it was about the IRS & I found out with a certified letter from them....lucky it was forwarded to my house in KY.....11 months...he didn't tell me about it....& not only that, but he never even contacted the IRS about it.

Honestly, there comes a time where we just can't take it anymore & there is an end....there has to be an end to out putting up with it when our mental health is at stake.....he has pushed me to such a level of anger, I get into a complete rage at him.....he's lucky to still be alive, but that is because I now own my home 2200 miles away from him & now it's divorce time after the IRS issue truely told me how things will only get worse & never change for the better....don't waist your time wishing for it to get better....if you don't force the issue, nothing will happen, & even then chances aren't very good.

Hate to be so negative in the pregnant state you are in....it was 30 years ago when I was pregnant with me daughter & I knew what a jerk he was then....at least I forced him to take care of our daughter because I wouldn't....I had my career & he was the one that wanted a child so it was his complete responsibility to take care of her....that was my only way of getting even at that point in time. I remember not wanting to get married, but was talked into it because I was assured that they will grow up....he was only 23 & he will grow up. He is more of an irresponsible child then he was then & that was horrible.

Sorry I can't paint a better picture....with I could have painter a better picture for myself....but the future isn't good & a baby only gives you 2 to have to take care of if you continue the way you are going.

I also know that we don't keep doing something if we aren't getting something out of it....I know I was guilty of that too...which was why I tolerated it for so long.

I wish you the strength to take care of yourself & your baby.....but as for the husband?????(good luck at toleration),
Debbie

[BrnEyedGrl]

I just wanted you to know I feel for you right now. About five years ago I was in the same place you are with being pregnant and having to worry more about my relationship with my husband than being a new mommie.
Ah well, you take care of yourself and that baby of yours, okay???

[radio_flyer]

My heart goes out to you LMo.. My main concern is you and the baby.... You don't need all this added stress with your hubby. If he misses a class or test, I guess he can take the test at another time. Look, at this stage of the game, if he doesn't want to "get it together, there isn't much you can do. You cannot make him change and be responsible. You cannot make him to "not be lazy"... It is his decision.. As long as you continue to be the only responsible person in the house, looks like he will continue to take the "free ride". Seems you provide very well for him.. And I think at this point I'd be pissed at him big time too....

It surprises me at times, that someone like you that is so much "on the ball" , productive and responsible that you put up with him for 8 long stressful years. I know you love him.. But Lordy, he is going to give you wrinkles and gray hair. Sometimes I think you are holding onto a dream that somehow turned into a nightmare and you keep holding onto the "dream".

[Sabrina]

LMo - your last post about poor coping skills and blaming the other "stupid" people describes my son to a T. And he is only 10 years old.

As I was reading what you are going through, I thought to myself - "she gets it" .... "she really understands".

I am sorry you have to go through this but admire your tenacity in standing by your husband.

[LMo]

You are all so right. I do know what I'm putting up with and the fact remains that the good in him still seems to outweigh the bad... for now. I did warn him today that there could easily come a day when I wake up and realize that there is just too much give and not enough take, and that if it happens, he can look back on days like today and that should put an end to his wondering 'why'.

I wish I could just let the school thing go. But that goes back to boundaries and consequences - there is a consequence to ME if he screws up his schooling. As it is, it's costing me $26k/year, which I don't get to deduct from my taxes, and if he fails or drops a class, I still get to pay the money and it just delays his ability to graduate. Or, if I put my foot down and refuse to pay for school, then he ends up back in retail making $10/hour and all of the investment I have already made is for nothing. See? I lose no matter what, so it's in MY best interest to make sure that he sticks with it. That's the frustrating part - I can't just back off and let what happens happens.

Ugh.

I know - it does seem bizarre that I have gotten myself into this predicament. I'm not afraid of being alone or anything like that, so the only reason I can think of why I haven't booted him to the curb is that I really just love the good parts of him more than I hate the bad parts. So I guess I should quit complaining...

[LMo]

Thanks Sabrina - I appreciate your post. That's exactly what I mean - I would expect these "stupid people" accusations from a 10 year old, but not from a grown man.

I do think that I can "understand" my husband's anxiety, but that doesn't make it easier, right, or healthy to live with. Rather, I guess I can empathize with him and feel compassion for him. But I've got only 3 months to put ME first before the rest of my life is about someone else, and right now I just don't feel like having my needs be brushed aside because he is having a hard time coping.

Ah well. Bedtime. That will help

to everyone

[BalishBun]

hey mine is pissing me off at the moment too!!!

[hold2truth]

I have the same problem with my husband. I just basically have given up on trying to run my life and just clean up after him when I get the chance. I told him that basically I'm here to help him, be his "helpmeet," as the Christians call it. I resent how much I get taken advantage of, but I'm so fustrated that I get in a really bad funk, so I ignore the feelings and just move on. Not a great coping mechanism, but it's better than imagining the alternative (I have trouble with SI).