I kind of think I'm addicted to someone

hi. As I sit here looking out on the grey winter sky, I count the winters since I have even seen this man, there have been a couple, and I picture him, his children, our talks about his children, living there in his house, how masculine he was, how I'd get when he'd walk into the room- my heart would skip a beat. I try and try to find meaning elsewhere everyone in my support group gets so angry as all I talk about are him and his kids, the group of them all. He was the first person I was involved with sexually, I'm not sure this may have something to do with it. And I can't publicly say"I'm going through a break up..." as he was married to someone else the whole time. We couldn't go out in public together. There is the whole weave of feelings, for him, his kids, his house, his wife, the drama, the family feeling. But it was never my family. Everyone in my support group keeps saying, have your own family! but it's not that easy. One thing is for sure, I have a high level for drama. I try to find it other places but it doesn't feel the same......

I can really relate to what you are saying. Actually, this is a real addiction. I know because I've been in a lot of therapies and learned about addictions, and I'm also addicted to others. For what reason, I don't know. Fear of abandonment? fear of being alone? Who knows. Yes, this can be very painful. It has been for me.

Ignore your support groups, because they may not even think this is an addiction, when it really is. I have a lot of addictions, which many people may not even consider addictions...like SI...that's one of my biggest addictions...so just know that they don't walk in your shoes, and they don't have this afflicting them. Well, they may, but they don't recognize it. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And remember, these group members are clients, they are not a therapist or pdoc. That's why they're there.

Yes, I've been there as well (several times!): addicted to daydreaming about being with someone else, and it's so time-consuming, don't you find!?! If you think being with them will make your life happier, then the issue could be your unhappiness with your current life situation, or with sadness you might currently be carrying, and perhaps that's the area which you need to concentrate in sorting out? Just talking from my own experience, I'm no expert though. Wish you all the best of luck with this.

I understand what you are going through, since I also have a high level for drama, and have been obsessed with men at times in my life.

One thing I want you to think about, though, is that by remaining "addicted" to this man (I prefer the word obsessed, actually), you are both robbing yourself of real relationships, and also protecting yourself from the potential pain that comes from those relationships. After not seeing him for a couple of years, the chances are that the "man" you are still obsessing over isn't a real man at all, but an idealized version of the man you were involved with. You may want to ask yourself what this fantasy man is giving you that you are not finding in the real world.

If you really want to get over this, then you can, but it takes work. It might help to find a book on cognitive therapy, which essentially gives you tools for changing thought patterns that are hurting you. And perhaps you don't feel that these obsessive thoughts are hurting you, but they are preventing you from enjoying real and healthy relationships.

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

mj