[Kaylana]

In my first week at university I met a great guy, who was the only other person there not into getting drunk/high every night, and so we spent a lot of time together. We started dating, and then I got hit with a major chronic illness, which destroyed my independance and self-confidence. The guy stayed with me, then moved to London and I followed him, starting a new job there. Then I made friends with a guy who I am convinced is my soul mate in many, many ways, who really understood me and restored a lot of my confidence. He was with someone else however, and 8 months later married her, to my complete surprise as they were really not at all suited. My relationship with Uni Guy was going ok, even though we were very different, and once the other guy married I gave up hope and decided my guy would do - I didn't really believe in love. back then, and felt indebted to him because he loved me.

Two years down the line, and the guy who married the other girl admitted to me he made a mistake, and should have married me...but niether of us had the confidence to split with our partners at the time to be together...we just let the tide carry us. My marriage is strained too...the differences in our lives have got more and more apparent, and I just end up spending most of my time alone.

I am torn between sticking with the decision I made out of duty, and the decision I should have made to be with the guy I love. We are both in counselling with our partners and in individual therapy, and have agreed to try and find the kindest way to do the right thing.

Has anyone else been there, and how did you handle the situation?

[BrnEyedGrl]

Wow, that is a tough situation. I guess there is really no right answer here. If you stay in your marriage out of duty you really aren't doing your H or yourself any good living a lie. And if you leave because you are in love with this other man, there are going to me some hurt people as well.
I would see how the T goes and if you feel some renewed love for your H. Maybe tell this other man that you need 6 months without any contact to see what happens in your marriage. If you were meant to be with guy #2, he will still be there waiting for you Im sure.
But I wouldn't drag this out too long for the sake of your H and his W. It will hard enough on everyone anyway.
Any kids? That makes the decision much harder because you have to think of their well-being as well.
Hope this helps you a little and I wish you much luck and happiness.

[Kaylana]

No, no children on either side, and we agreed that if that situation were to change, we could never consider having a future together.

I remember on his wedding day I was convinced that he was just getting carried along my his friends and family and that he really loved me but couldn't work out how or gather the confidence to get out of it all...and it turns out I was right. I also remember at my wedding seeing him there and knowing I was still deeply in love with him and mentally apologising to my soon to be husband for it, thinking surely now things would change. We made an effort not to see one another and to really spend time working on our marriages, but things over time just kept on falling apart.

It was about 9 months after my wedding that we had an honest conversation in a big group party where we had met up when we finally told one another how we felt and the fact that it was all a big mess. Just a bit too late.

[Doh2007]

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Kaylana said:

I am torn between sticking with the decision I made out of duty, and the decision I should have made to be with the guy I love. We are both in counselling with our partners and in individual therapy, and have agreed to try and find the kindest way to do the right thing.

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The kindest way to do the right thing? Well, I guess you could say, "I'm committed to doing everything I can for my marriage, so I'm not going to see you anymore."

Then at your next marriage counseling session, tell the therapist and your husband what's been going on. And admit you made a mistake, but you didn't want to lie anymore.

[BalishBun]

never been there, but hey im sure someone has. good luck and smile.

Simlar situation although lots more years in the marriage and my then husband was a lazy selfish toad. I left in the end and married the man I really loved, I had children but I was tired of living a lie and couldnt stay any more.

Its the best thing I have ever done even for my children who now have a dad who is a real dad not a dad when it suits him.

Life is too short and you only get one shot at it .......