[salukigirl]

i feel so hopeless now. has anyone ever felt like the second things start to get better one of us does something so stupid to mess it up? i feel so emotionally void. we fight so much that all my feelings have just been killed. i dont know what to do. its like he hears everything i say in the *****-iest way possible. even if im laughing as im saying it... when he repeats it... there are tones created and words added. and i hear tones in what he says too. then when he explains it i think "oh yeah, i guess it wasnt that after all" but by then the damage has been done.

i just dont get it. we have so much fun together. we play video games together, we love cooking together, cleaning together.... but somehow we always fight. and its always about stupid stuff. why is it that we create these "tones" out of nothing. why is it that he takes what i say and turns it into something horrible sounding? and i do the same thing. I feel like were trying to hurt each other and i hate it. i dont know if its just that we need some time away from each other or what. but how? we live together. he asked me the other day if i wanted to take "a break" which is never good. but i dont even know how we would! neither of us have the money to go somewhere or stay in a hotel for a night or 2. we cant miss work or school for a vacation.

and also, when we do spend all day everyday together its perfectly fine. when we moved from cincy to carbondale, it took us about 3 weeks to find a job. we sat at home and drove around filling out applications and we had so much fun. that whole time i think we had maybe one argument and it didnt even turn into a fight. we resolved it quickly. so it almost feels like we need more time together because when were together a lot we never fight.

but at the same time, it feels like we jsut aggravate each other. i dont know if anyone else has had this: when youre around someone soooo much that sometimes everything they do bugs you. you take something completely innocent, and turn it into them being a jerk. or just the sound of their voice irks you. thats what it feels like. but we never see each other.

im at the end of my rope here. i know our relationship is strong or else we wouldnt have gotten this far. if he ever needed me i would be there and he is the same way. we care about each other so much and were best friends. i just dont know what the hell is going on. im so frustrated. and so is he. i hate feeling like this. and i know you guys read my problems with my boyfriend all the time so im sorry this was so long. i just had to get it out to someone other than him. thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[BalishBun]

I have felt me and my hubbie have gone through those periods too. I feel ya I really do.

[sabby]

Relationships go up and down.....it's a fact of life. Of course when they are going well....we don't seem to have to put much effort into things. But, let something go kaflooey and all of a sudden the crap hits the fan and keeping the relationship going is hard work.

What I suggest is the following -

1. Seriously think about the day to day stressors in your lives. Is something going on that is bothering either of you but you are tiptoeing around them or not really working on the real issue at hand?

2. Are you getting bored with certain things in your life? Maybe finding something new to do together will bring back some spark, some excitement that you may be missing at the moment?

3. Are you both actively listening to what the other is saying without trying to put words in the others mouths? When something is said that tweaks you the wrong way, take a breath, take a moment to absorb what was said. Repeat back to each other what the other said and ask if you are understanding the statement correctly. That way, there is no room for misunderstanding

4. Realize that at times people just need to vent. It doesn't always mean that what they are venting about should be taken personally...more just a way to expend frustatration. Maybe you can help one another in verbalizing the frustrations so they are not feeling so harmful?

5. Get back to basics. Remember how wonderful your relationship felt in the beginning during the honeymoon stages? What special things did you do for one another during that time? Maybe you can bring back some of those "feel good" moments by putting in some extra effort to "woo" each other again

I hope you both find a way to work through this time. Know that what you are going through is normal within a relationship. Wishing you both well!


sabby

[salukigirl]

thanks so much sabby. everything you said sounds like common sense. i guess just when youre in the middle of things its easier said than done. we havent gotten to the point where it comes out in front of other people though yet. but then that almost spells even more trouble. cause i wont say anything or he wont say anything in front of people, then we sit there boiling about it and are 10 times more mad because we have been holding it in.

ugh. well we are getting ready to drive back to marion from dayton (came to visit over spring break) so we have a lovely 5.5 hour car drive to talk things out. ill bring up everything you said. thank you so much again.

[StarPonysMama]

Are there any times that you are home by yourself and he's not there. Maybe you could get out and do something simple like take a walk by yourself. Or, take a long bath. Relax and get in touch with just you.

Sounds like you have some outside stressors that carry in to your relationship. But, also, I think we all go through this at one point or another.

Tones stink. Tones can get you in all kinds of trouble. I TOTALLY GET THAT! I know just how you feel! Tones can %#@&#! me off quicker than words!!!!

I would start trying to control my tones and when he says something that the tone really bothers you.....take 10 breaths and then express to him in a monotone that way that the way he said it really hurt your feelings.

May not work for you but, just a suggestion.

Hope things get better!

((((salukigirl))))

[salukigirl]

well we talked and he agrees that its just basically us taking our frustrations out on each other everyday. i mentioned the thing about everytime we hear a tone that bugs us to just stop and say "is this how you meant this?" and he agrees with me on that too.

thank you guys so much for your advice. made me feel much better