[Joanne5]

Hi. Maybe somebody in here can help. I was with my boyfriend for a little over two years. We've had our share of ups and downs but recently it has been almost unbearable. We broke up about a month ago because he told me that he wanted to see other girls. Of course, I was crushed and it just made me sick to hear that. I left him, and a month later he started e-mailing me all of these crazy things. He said that he only said that because he was mad and that he wanted to be with me and saw me and him in the future. We got together to talk and he's asking me to move in with him and he wants to get married one day. I was in shock and I didn't give him an answer because of our situation. So, for the past month we've been hanging out at least once a week trying to figure out what we are gonna do. A week ago he tells me that I'll probably meet somebody else in a year and end up marrying him and totally forget everything. Basically, he's been giving me mixed signals..everything he says is a contradiction and I don't know what's right and what's not. I tried telling this to him but he's like it's all right, everything I say is the truth. I know he came from a broken home and has had a really bad relationship in the past. I just wonder if that's the cause of all of our problems. It seems like he wants to be with me more when I'm not around and when I am it's the same old thing, but yet he tells me that he loves me. I don't understand because he doesn't understand himself why he thinks this way. He just started going to therapy a few days ago but I don't know if it would help because I'm not sure if it's too late for us.

[mj14]

Sometimes, those kinds of mixed signals are a way to sort of keep another person off-balance, so they cannot quite see the relationship clearly. I'm not saying it is a conscious thing, but I have seen that kind of behavior a lot when one person in a relationship wants to keep the other person "on the hook", so to speak.

I would certainly not recommend moving in with a man you are not sure of, and if he is just starting therapy, you may find that he goes through some rather big changes along the way. The only way for you to know if it is too late for you is to look in your own heart. Have all of the problems 'til now eroded your trust to the point where he can't get it back? If not, and if you are willing to give him the time to work things out in therapy, then maybe there is still a chance for you.

Good luck.
mj

[Zenobia]

It may be a good idea to not get committed to the relationship until he is able to be clear about his intentions. Since he is just starting therapy now is definately not the time to make decisions about your whole future. I would suggest giving him some time to work through some of his stuff then maybe things will make more sense.
Zen

<font color=blue>"I am just so tired."
<font color=green>"You can say you're tired as much as you want but you still have to do something about it. Now can you think of any way to deal with this problem."
<font color=blue> "No"
<font color=green>"Then I don't know what I can do for you if you are not willing to try."--from Zen's therapy session

[Joanne5]

I see what you both are saying. Everytime we break up he always comes back to me for some reason. Like, he can't handle the fact that I'm not around and tells me it feels wrong and the we are "fighting fate" because we are supposed to be together. I don't know if how long I am willing to wait or how long it would take for therapy to help him. I believe he can rebuild the trust and by going to therapy shows me that he is willing to try. I know there is another issue that he has been dealing with which is his mother passed away a few years ago and I don't think he has fully tried to cope with it. The whole situation is just a big mess.

[Zenobia]

I think it is important for you to figure out what it is you want in this relationship. Can he give that too you? Do you think after he goes to therapy he can? Are you willing to wait? Once you decide what it is that you want then you can take firm actions toward that. If you decide to wait let him know but give him a time limit so that you are not hanging on waiting and waiting. If you decide to break it off the be up front about it and don't back away from the decision. Be firm with him and with yourself. These are just some ideas. Does anyone else have any ideas different then mine. I find it funny that I write this down then realize how badly I deal with relationships. LOL.
zen

<font color=blue>"I am just so tired."
<font color=green>"You can say you're tired as much as you want but you still have to do something about it. Now can you think of any way to deal with this problem."
<font color=blue> "No"
<font color=green>"Then I don't know what I can do for you if you are not willing to try."--from Zen's therapy session

[Joanne5]

I've decided not to move in with him because I know that I would be putting myself in a not so good situation in the long run. But, I do want things to work out and we have been taking it slow. I'm just not sure how much time I should give him or myself without getting screwed all over again.

[Zenobia]

The key word is boundries. Go take a hot bath, fix yourself some cocoa, crawl into bed with a pen and peice of paper. Then when you are all relaxed write down on the paper what it is that you want from a relationship. Once you have it out on paper in black and white you can start setting boundries that will help dictate just how you allow yourself to be treated. If you don't let him cross those boundries then he will not be able to screw you over again. The trick is to be firm and willing to say back off...or f*** off.
Take care,
Zen

PS sorry for the foul language but after a moment's hesitation I thought it was apropriate for the situation. Feel free to PM me and give me what for.

<font color=blue>"I am just so tired."
<font color=green>"You can say you're tired as much as you want but you still have to do something about it. Now can you think of any way to deal with this problem."
<font color=blue> "No"
<font color=green>"Then I don't know what I can do for you if you are not willing to try."--from Zen's therapy session