emotional baggage

I'm not sure where to post this--it deals with abuse in my past, I guess, but self-esteem and confidence. I'm at a loss what to do with myself.

When I was a kid growing up as a child and teen, I was not accepted by my peers and never fit in. I was bullied, teased, treated poorly by peers, you name it and I'm not going to go into what I went through in my family life. Fast forward to adulthood and here I am with a type A personality, perfectionist, and over-acheiver. It doesn't take a degree in psychology to figure that one out. Because of my hard work and successes over the years, I'm asked to do consulting work and to give presentations at conferences. Next week I'm speaking at the state convention for my profession. On the outside, I speak well in public. On the inside I'm nervous as hell.

What I would like to be able to do is simply PLAN and PREPARE for my public appearances. But before I get to the planning stage, I have to wade through soooo much emotional garbage. I'm not good enough. . .they're going to laugh. . .who the hell do I think I am?. . .they're just being nice but inside they hate me. . .the whole gamut. Last week I was just spinning my wheels at my computer trying to prepare but these thoughts just swirl around. So I cried at my therapist's office and then I cried when I got home and talked with my wife. I have to jump through these emotional hurdles to get to the practical planning stages.

I hate crying in front of my wife because I look like such a weakling, such a %#@&#!, like a fragile eggshell cracking all over the place. She knows only a fraction of what I went through as a child and wishes I would be a little less ambitious with my career to spend more time at home. I said, you don't know what it's like to have the whole school hate you! She replied with, that was over 20 years ago--don't the hundreds and hundreds of successess you've acheived since then cancel that crap out? Why do you (me) believe the negative stuff from a bunch of stupid kids from years ago and not the positive stuff from professional adults?

She makes such a good point! Logically, intellectually, I have to agree with her. But emotionally, on the inside, I'm just a wreck before these conferences. I'm at a loss. Do I just accept that this is the way it'll always be--I can't change my past. Or will I ever get to the point where I don't have to go through so much negative self-defeating crap? It's exhausting. . .

Dealing with my past is exhausting too.....maybe if you could verbalize everything you went through, you said your wife only knows a little, what's the harm in opening up more to her? Would you want her to be able to open to you with things she needed you for? I don't find vulnerability unmasculine at all, and she's your wife right, you're beyond the initial impress her stages..if not your wife then your T? You wrote a little about it, but verbalizing to me is big too...did it feel better to write about it? Crying is something we all do. Oh yeah, when you're up in front of people, imagine them in their pajamas, that they are just as human as you are..remember because you were asked to speak refers to knowledge not that you have powers over people that it is just a fact you could provide a speech that would help people. Maybe you're preparing too much? Or taking the preparation too seriously? Or prepare in a different way, imagine those people who bullied you and imagine you going back in time and telling them they were insecure to do such a thing, forgiving and making friends. What about making a list of your good qualities so the negative self defeating crap becomes just a little smaller?

I used to do standup comedy for 2 years pro. (yea i know a depressed comic. whoda thunk it?) But I went through the same emotions just before getting up on stage. was I good enough, would they laugh BECAUSE i was funny? not because i was pitiful? I think in order to speak/perform in front of an audience, theres a nervous factor. every now and again i do a set. and i throw up just before performing. sorry for the graphic.....I think with all of us being survivors of abuse will ALWAYS question ourselves. you need to just realize its YOU wanting to do a GOOD JOB....And it sounds like you DO do a good job. IMHO you need to give yourself a break. dont you? yes maybe some issues are deep rooted. maybe in all of us we have the same thing going on. but if you DIDNT care how you sounded, maybe then you wouldnt be doing so well. makes us try harder. Make any sense. Sorry for the novel. just my opinion. and i hope it helps.

You are not WEAK. you are not WEAK you are not WEAK. you are human and you were hurt. Nothing more.

Be good to yourself and try to have a better day

Colleen

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scott88keys said:
When I was a kid growing up as a child and teen, I was not accepted by my peers and never fit in. I was bullied, teased, treated poorly by peers, you name it and I'm not going to go into what I went through in my family life. Fast forward to adulthood and here I am with a type A personality, perfectionist, and over-achiever. It doesn't take a degree in psychology to figure that one out.

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It's so funny but I swear you're my twin. Exact same history, exact same result. Unfortunately, none of it is actually funny. Being ignored, verbally attacked, physically assaulted, these things affect anybody if it happens once or twice. If it happens constantly at an age where your identity is still being shaped, it changes you forever. It is abuse, plain and simple. Why people are able to minimize it just because it happened in a school setting is beyond me.

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scott88keys said:She replied with, that was over 20 years ago--don't the hundreds and hundreds of successes you've achieved since then cancel that crap out? Why do you (me) believe the negative stuff from a bunch of stupid kids from years ago and not the positive stuff from professional adults?...She makes such a good point! Logically, intellectually, I have to agree with her. But emotionally, on the inside, I'm just a wreck...

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I frequently step back and look at my life with that lofty, intellectual detachment and yup, I know your wife is right. We've proven ourselves to the world, great job, congratulations to us. Too bad we haven't proven it to ourselves, huh?

I've come to the conclusion that what we accomplish will not solve the problem. This sucks in that this is clearly our strategy but no level of success or accolades is going to change how we think and feel about ourselves. We have to heal that pain in therapy. We need to process the trauma under the guidance of someone who is trained to get us through it. After that, maybe we'll actually start to enjoy some of this success.

I can't directly relate to the public speaking thing in so much as I've always had the gift. I've just always been able to do it (I went to state for speech team in high school and was in lots of theater). To this day, I can easily speak in public. So for me it would be analogous to that period before I start a paid writing project. I won’t start the project at first; it will just sit out there, waiting for me. I'll work myself into a panic, letting my insecurities tie my guts into knots. And then, after as much time as I can afford to lose passes, I'll start working. Then it's easy, the anxiety fades, and I do fine.

But to the heart of your question, will you always have to go through that period? In some small way, yeah, probably. But I think we both can get better at it. With each little revelation and milestone in therapy, I think that period will grow shorter and less intense. That's my hope. If I'm wrong, I don't want to know, it's what keeps me going to therapy.

Cyran0

I think a lot of people have trouble giving speeches/presentations. I gave one this summer and froze two sentences in with quite a few people watching me. It wasn't the first time :-) But I recovered and continued.

Maybe you need to "wear out" your demons, join a toastmaster's group and just keep giving impromptu speeches until your baggage handles fray?

I know I've been able to outlive some of my baggage; the whole hundreds and hundreds of successes eventually reaches critical mass and tips the balance in my favor so things aren't so hard.

Maybe you could give your demons a time limit?

Have them go overboard with their accusations and follow their threats to their logical extreme until you're laughing?