all in my head

Im sorry i havent been here in awhile, i guess between school and my schedule its hard to keep up with everything.

My problem has to do with my boyfriend and i, but mostly me. Everytime he gets mad, or sad, or unhappy in any sort of way, i feel like its my fault. I always just assume that its my fault. I dont know why this is. Hes bi-polarand i know that a lot of the time his emotions are back and forth and i know how much that sucks, and i have seen what a hard thing it is for him to deal with, so i really try hard to make him happy because i love him, and thats all i want for him, to be happy. But i feel like im not doing a good job. I dont know if i am scared of his disorder somewhat, because of the mood swings and how angry he can get sometimes. I dont know, this all sounds rather bizarre i suppose, i just dont know whats wrong with me? Where did this come from? This was never the case in my other relationships. At the beginning of this one i was so laid back and care free, and now im all nerves and stressed. probably because of school, and family issues. On top of school, my cat is still sick and hanging on, as is my grandpa who has cancer has started losing his sight. On top of that i just had to bail my boyfriend out of jail because he violated prohbation and he didnt even know it! This is a lot for me to deal with. I want things just be like they were. I wanna be able to tell him anything, and i know i can, but its like im scared too, for fear of how he will react. Its just a huge guilt complex i guess. I dont know where it came from besides low self esteem, which im trying to battle, but i feel like im losing completely. I dont know, i wish i could see my therapist more. Im depending on a journal that i write everything i need to get out in, for now. If anyone could help me id be so happy. I just dont know why i assume. Thats what made him mad at me today, because i assumed the reason he was mad was because of me, when really it was just because he didnt sleep well last night and wasnt sure if he would get to work today, since his job is weather permitting. It was something that simple. I did ask him what was wrong...at least i dont say, what did i do now? you know? But then he wont answer me for a long time, and it makes me nervous. He said hes just thinking...i guess i can deal with that...but still...this is a big mess!!!! *puts head in hands* i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. *sigh*

"in a haze a stormy haze i'll be round i'll be loving you always, always...here i am and i take my time here i am ill wait in line always, always..." ~coldplay~

Oh my gosh, emoangel. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stuff at the moment, and I'm not sure you're worthy of all the blame that you're piling on top of yourself.

If I were trying to have a relationship with someone who has volatile mood swings, I'd probably be tense and nervous, too. What help is he getting to deal with these mood swings? You seem to be doing what you can as far as taking care of yourself (therapy and journal writing), and I think that's great. I, for one, think you are doing a fantastic job. Please don't feel responsible for other people's behaviors, including your boyfriend. It's admirable that you want him to be happy, but we really can't "make" others happy. That's something he has to work on himself, if that's what he wants.

Thanks for visiting and posting and letting us know how you're doing. Take care and best wishes,

splash