[h0kie]

Hey everyone, my husband has been dx'd w/ "atypical DID". He "blacks out" and does things unlike him.

Today I found a secret cell phone. In it were numbers and text messages from another woman. I suspect there are more women as there are more numbers. Some of them are numbers of apartment complexes in the area.

My husband has no memory of this.

My question...how do I forgive him? Do I forgive him? I feel so betrayed. Furthermore, now I am worried I might have contracted an STD or something worse from him, unknowingly. He again, doesn't remember what he did. The *good* news is there hasn't been many chances of that happening since I believe this began.

I love my husband and I don't want a divorce...but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. I'm so upset right now, I don't even know if I want to.

Thanks in advance.

[saudade]

Hi, HOkie

Tough situation.
To me, your guts and heart are the only ones that can give you the answers you're looking for. Of course, cool, detached thinking and being reasonable and rational would be the first resources...

Your post makes me think about condom use, though. It stinks that when we marry someone we are expected to trust them blindly. I have the hardest time in the world when it comes to this.
I trust condoms, that's what.

So your post makes me think of more questions concerning sexual health, like, how does one demand condom use while in a supposedly steady relationship?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm on the verge of regret here and wondering if I should really post this. But it's your health, and maybe you could give it a thought as well.

Please, disregard if you think I'm not making sense.

Wish you the best + peace.

[seeking]

HOkie! This is a tough one! We are always told we have to forgive but I believe in order to fully forgive you have to forget. And to forget is not easy. To build up trust again is a long and hard road and can only be accomplished if both partners work at it. If he does not remember what he has done, how would you heal the relationship? How does he explain the existence of the phone and the numbers/messages. Perhaps a therapist could answer and help. I am sorry I cannot offer any more.

I am going to have to respectfully disagree with seeking. I myself have grappled with the notion that forgiving means we must forget. I have talked about it with my T and with my pastor and they've both expressed that we DO NOT have to forget in order to forgive. They said that the way we take care of ourselves is to remember. It's often those who believe they must forget who find themselves in co-dependent relationships or hurt over and over again by the same people.

I'm certainly NOT trying to tell you what to do in this situation. Only that you need to take care of yourself as well. And that forgiving your husband does not mean that you have to forget his mistakes and continue to "take it." You have to help you and he has to help himself.

[Wants2Fly]

Shooo. Tough new development. (((((((HOkie)))))))

[ktp]

Oh HOkie! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've read your other posts about the things you've been dealing with ! You've been through alot already, that does prove you love him.

Forgiveness comes with time. Take the time you need. It seems that you're doing things by his time and you can't forget about you. As far as his unfaithfulness, I would definitely run to my doc too and get tested. I know you don't view it as his fault, but assigning or not assigning fault doesn't change the fact that it is a very dangerous world out there sexually these days.

Ive been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years with my husband, but if ever there was a doubt, I wouldnt' have sex with him again unprotected. Look out for yourself.

Please take care and I sure hope you get some good things happening soon.

(((Hugs))) If wanted

[SweetCrusader]

If your husband has DID, and he doesn't remember doing this- it's probably because he DIDN'T do it. DID means that there are other personalities that share your husband's body. They take control of the body at different times and they all have their own ideas about what they want to do and how they want to be. I know it may be hard to wrap your mind around this, but maybe you could read a book on DID, and then get a better feel for it.

What I'm basically saying is that it may not be anything for you to "forgive" because your husband wasn't the one doing it. It was another personality in his body that you don't even know.

Maybe you should visit our forum on dissociative disorders sometime, just to look around and see others with DID? Only if you feel it would help you see your husband (and others with DID) in a different and compassionate way.

NOW, all this is NOT to say that I don't feel for you. I certainly do. You are in a VERY difficult situation, and my heart sincerely goes out to you. (((((hugs))))) if you want them.

Angela

[h0kie]

Thanks Sweet Crusader...I know what you are trying to say, but according to his T he doesn't have that kind of DID.

He has a type where he blacks out and doesn't remember anything...which makes it hard. Right now, I don't know if it's really DID...we've never seen any evidence of an alternate personality. Apparently there are 3 kinds of DID...I dunno.

Either way...in my mind, it's cheating.

P.S. A very nasty woman called Friday and confirmed there was cheating involved...yay

[ktp]

HOkie:

I'm so sorry you had to deal with a woman like that. You have enough to deal with...

I know what DID you are speaking of. That's the same as my mother. She just blacks out and doesn't remember things, loses time, etc.

I can see your point, believe me, I won't elaborate at the risk of triggering someone. Angela has a good point, too, have you visited the Dissociative Disorders forum yet? I believe I read a post there from you ???

Acceptance comes with time, I'm still not sure I believe my mothers dx, a part of me believes but another doesn't really want to. It's so complicated.. I am so sorry that things are going so sour for you right now. I sure hope things work out but you need to take care of you, too, so don't let yourself go by the wayside while trying to help him. You love him, that's apparent, but you can't let yourself be pushed aside (even if you're the one doing it). Take Care of you. Please.

((((Hugs)))) if you like them

Kimberly