[Kirkland]

My wife and I have been married for 19 years. About 12 months ago we started having serious problems in our marriage - to the point where we almost divorced over the summer. We started counselling with a very good psychologist. We have stayed together and over the last couple of months we have turned our relationship around. We love each other and our relationship is getting better. We haven't had sex in about 11 months. How do we bring that part of our relationship back? I'm in no hurry. But this is an important part of a marriage and it bothers me that she is in no hurry to rebuild this part. She says she wants sex in our marriage but she's not ready yet. Is there anything I can do to help her get ready? Any and all advice is welcomed.

[sabby]

Hi Kirkland and Welcome to PC!

Have you both discussed this issue with your psychologist? Maybe it's something that she would feel safer discussing this during the session.

In the meantime, have either of you done anything to "spice" up your relationship such as making dates with one another? Setting time aside to go out to a romantic dinner and a movie, going for walks hand in hand, revisiting a place you both enjoyed being at in happier days?

I'm wondering if your wife might be going through some physical aging issues such as menapause possibly? Has she had a physical recently? Just a thought here that hormones might also be playing into this a bit.

I commend the both of you for working so hard on your marriage and not giving in so easily. Relationships take lots of work and your commitment to one another is awesome!

Wishing you all the best!


sabby

[Razzleberry]

A few questions:

1 - How old are both of you?

2 - Has she reached menopause?

3 - Was there any infidelity during your problems a year ago?

Just curious. Could help figure out how to help.

[Perna]

Hi, Kirkland, welcome to PsychCentral.

I would add sensual in first; touches on the shoulder, occasional hugs, pats on the knee; get the day-to-day "human" partnership going so that the familiarity builds to the sexual. Do some light talking, joking, sharing of things you enjoy. Appreciate her. My husband always thanks me when I make dinner, that I took the time and made the effort, whether he likes what I made or not. He enjoys when I experiment and come up with something different. I, in turn, enjoy his enjoyment of me and we get a self-perpetuating, enjoyment, appreciation cycle going that builds.

[AAAAA]

I agree with Perna (as usual). A friend of mine went through a very similiar situation, prior to restarting the physical side of his relationship their therapist recommended intimate phyisical touching that did NOT lead to sex. Back rubs, foot rubs, etc. On a nights when they did not have to worry about work the next day, in their case her night was Friday and his Saturday. It was an exercise in intimacy without the fear/worry about what was to happen afterward. The only rules were that each partner had to be comfortable with the touching and they could NOT attempt to use the sessions to initiate sex.

[sunrise]

Work on regaining your emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy will naturally follow. Perna had good advice.

[salukigirl]

perna always has good advice! i know that, personally for me, attraction to a person has very litle to do with physical appearance. if i meet someone who might be averge, might be exremely good looking, but i get to know them they can become ugly to me. and vise versa. so i also think that the rebuiding of intamacy and feelings need to be brought back before sex can.

Also, women tend to relate sex to emotions a little more than men do. so her not being ready might mean that she's afraid of putting herself out there and being vulnerable again and going though that hurt again.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
AAAAA said:
intimacy without the fear/worry about what was to happen afterward.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I'm not in a position to tell anyone else what to do. But for me having an agreement like this would help me a lot.

[Dancer_in_the_light]

Are you affectionate with your wife during the day? Do you compliment her? Set aside time to listen?

I don't know your wife, but I know for me, foreplay starts hours in advance, with a hug, a look, or a shared joke, and continues to build from there. Most of my girlfriends work the same way. "turning on" is a slow process for us, and we need a healthy amount of attention before hand.

[Rhapsody]

TRUST - LOVE - LOYALTY.......... that is a start.

[Kirkland]

Hi Sabby and thank you for your response. We have discussed this with the psychologist. She says she feels much better about our relationship and says sex will become a part of our marriage again in the future. She says she's just not ready yet.

I do touch her during the day. I give her hugs, rub her shoulders, I give her kisses. She gives very little of this back. I invite her to go out with me without the kids. She generally turns me down but has gone out a couple times. She said she really enjoyed it.

I'm 50 and my wife is 46. She says she's not going through menopause but I wonder if she is at the start and doesn't realize it.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is also the most important thing to me. Thank you again.

[Kirkland]

Hi Razzleberry,
Thank you for your response.
1 - I'm 50 and my wife is 46
2 - She says she isn't going through menopause yet but it's possible she is beginning and doesn't realize it.
3 - I've been faithful and she says she has too

[Kirkland]

Hi Perna,
Thank you for your response. Those are good suggestions. And it looks like others agree with you. I do give her hugs, rub her shoulders, put my hand on her hip and pull in sideways. The atmosphere has been pretty serious given how close we were to splitting up - that makes it hard to joke around. But it has been getting better. I will continue with your suggestions and be patient.

[Razzleberry]

Ok then I agree with a lot of the other suggestions - just try to continue to build up trust with her, try to be affectionate all day long, without any expectation of it going anywhere. Even something as little as that "look". You know the look. The "wow he is checking me out" kind of look.

It doesn't always have to be physical touch either - just telling her you love her. Doing things for her.

Go back to when you were dating. Pretend like that's how it is now. You didn't have sex on the first date, right? (ok, maybe...) It takes a while to get to know someone and feel ready to let yourself do that. The way your marriage got so close to disaster - it's like you're starting over now. It might take time.

Sorry that you have to wait so long!

[Kirkland]

It's hard to be patient. But I think you're right so that's what I'll do. Thank you for taking the time to write.

[Kirkland]

Thank you everyone for your responses and your support.