[Wants2Fly]

Recently, there was some interesting stuff about setting boundaries. I'd like to get some input about a situation I've encountered with a friend of 30 years. We are both females in our 50s.

S is something of a know-it-all. At times, she can be very complimentary -- almost too effusively. For example, when I evacuated New Orleans for Ivan, I took all my things, as all I have with me is what fits in the back of my SUV, and went to Austin for a week. I was considering not coming back, and if the city had flooded, there would have been no reason for me to do so. (Right now my life is rootless, but that's another story.) She kept going on and on about how that was a "brilliant' idea.

Because I am unemployed, I am considering getting a room in someone else's home. Most of my life, I've lived alone, occasionally with romantic partners in relationships that have lasted a while -- but the longest lasting (15 years ) was with a man who was away most of the time.

When S visits me for extended period, her know-it-all ness and insistence on always, always being right about everything starts to grate, and we've had some run-ins. So last night, she was adamant that I should not live with others because I am (1) judgmental (2) impatient (3) unwilling to compromise [probably meaning a point is generally reached where I won't lie down for her anymore] and (4) I have poor body language in small groups [whatever that means].

Right now, she's on morphine and has a 7.5 level of pain from a broken back. So probably not a good time to set boundaries. But -- does a depressed person really need this kind of count-down on my faults?

And I, of course, am never supposed to say anything negative about her. She goes all weepy or argues how none of her other friends would agree with whatever my opinion might be.

Any thoughts about whether one simply accepts such things in the course of a 30-year friendship, or how one might respond instead of "letting it go" but not being happy with one's lack of response?

[SweetCrusader]

How did this friendship LAST 30 years with her harping on you like that? That's what I"m wondering! lol

I think you do need to set boundaries, very firmly. You don't have to counter-attack to do that. Tell her that you won't tolerate her criticisms any more. Or counter them by telling her you disagree with her. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes you just gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Angela

[saudade]

Hi.
I spent a year in no-speaking terms with the friend I've known the longest, and one out of two female friends I have. The "breakup" sort of saved the friendship coz we got to unveil loads of crap you get from knowing someone for 20 years.

I'm short tempered, though and would never keep my mouth shut in a situation like that, so...

Bad, bad advice!

[Wants2Fly]

My problem is (a) "I shoulda said" syndrome and (b) when I finally speak up, people who have been abusing me for years get all huffy -- the "how dare you speak up for yourself" response, bec. I've conditioned them

[SweetCrusader]

I hear ya! Wish I knew how not to do it that way, but I don't. Not yet anyway, but I'm still working on learning.

[bptoo]

You owe it to yourself, and your friend to say something here. It would be such a great diservice to you and to her not to. The things she said to you were hurtful and the longer you hold your feelings inside, the more the chance they will explode in an unhealthy way.

I know you don't want to hurt your friend, expecially one of 30 years. And there will never be a right time to talk to her. But a friendship that's lasted as long as yours has I think can weather some honesty. Just say what you have to say firmly, but with kindness and honesty.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

Greg

[Wants2Fly]

One of the things that bothers me about the situation is that she has a broken back, high level of pain, and is on pain-killers.I've seen medications turn elderly people into completely different Mr. Hydes from the kindly Dr. Jekyll one thought one knew.

Perhaps some day I'll mention it, but I honestly think the best thing -- for right now -- is to let her recover and for me to develop enough self-honesty to handle such things when they come up.

Something similar happened with another friend -- er, former friend. Thought I had my rap all down about her judgmental letter was unacceptable -- but I wound up exploding on the phone, despite my rehearsals, receivers slammed down on both ends, and we haven't talked since.