Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

I am 28 years old and by now you would think that I would have learned not to take her word! I am so frustrated with my mother that I could scream!!!! She is sooooo selfish, or course this is not something i have just found out. I have known it for a long time. It is just that I am having some major issues with her right now and it is becomeing more and more prominent that she is only out for herself.

She doesnt have anything to do with my children, but let her friends ask to watch their kids and she is all over it!

This past weekend she had a pool party and invited the family...... with the exception of her three kids and their families! SO my brother and his kids and me and my family felt that we were very unimportant!

I am not sure why this bothers me so much! She is still married to the man who molested me for more than 8 years........
we were supposed to go get a haircut together today but well she called in sick to work. When i called her at home to see if she was still going..... no answer!
The lady needed to know if we were coming and I was so mad that I just cancelled both appointments!!!
If i go without her she will throw a fit!

I know that she has her own issues that she has to deal with, but why does she have to push me away?
(She was physically abused by an alcoholic mother.)

Any suggestions, how do i stop setting my self up for disappointment?

Oh I'm sorry. That is really hard. My best guess would be that you keep setting yourself up because she is still your mother, regardless of everything else. You can't help but control the urge to be in her life, because you are her child. I would love to give you some speech about dumping her, and how dare she stay married to the monster that molested you, etc. But... the bottom line is that is up to you to decide. It is up to you to decide if it is ok with you or not. But, at the end of the the day, she's still your mother, and no one can fault you for having trouble disconnecting from her.

The best advice I can give is to hang in there and know that someone is empathetic to your situation.

has your mother ever really been there for you?

i used to pretend . . . i needed to pretend that my mother was a good mother. she didn't protect me from the sexual abuse. she got more of her emotional needs met from me than i would receive from her. i gave her more. i always felt i needed to give to her, buy her things, take her places, etc. once i realized she was never really there for me, i was able to let go of "needing" her. i still love her, but i'm not giving more than she gives me. and, i'm not making "first" moves anymore. i only recipricate the love she initiates.

Your post touched me in a soft spot. At 61, I'm still wishing I had had my mother's understanding, caring and PROTECTION! I still look for it from others since she's been gone for over 20 yrs. It's a hole I can't fill even if I get that from other loved ones, which in reality, isn't all that much.

There's a saying I like very much, but I have yet to prove it 100%. "If it's going to be, it's up to me." What that means is that *I* have to find a way to fill that hole because I'll never get it from my mother. Maybe you won't either?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((((((((((((((((Mrb))))))))))))))))))))

I know how you are feeling. It is hard to accept other people behavior especially our parent when they continue to reject us over and over. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. You have to protect yourself and not keep putting yourself in the position not to be hurt. I know its not easy when it is one of your parents but we have to protect ourself. I am sending lots of hugs and love your way.

.....i don't often post about myself and forgive me if this is somewhat of a hijacking of the original post.......but all of the previous accounts of "life with mother"....or more correctly.."without mother"....hit me like a ton of bricks.....i relate to all of you in one way or another and my heart aches for all the pain that you have all been through and are still going through......i've been there too and it is the worst pain of my life....after a lifetime of abuse and emotional neglect from my mother,i was put in the position of caring for her for the last 3 years of her life after she was diagnosed with a brain tumor which slowly made her completely dependent on me and my family who gave up our home and everything we had to move in with her and take care of her and for as long as she was able,she made our lives hell....but we all persevered....i...because of the promise that i had made to my dad on his deathbed.....during this time i had to have back surgery and eventually i was no longer able to care for her at home and she was put into a nursing home...by now she was in a comalike state.....6 months later.....i got the call that she had passed away.......alone.........in spite of all that she had put my family through.....this thought consumed me for years........but through the love of a wonderful husband and family i was finally able to let it all go.......my life after that was wonderful and continues to be so........please......to all those who suffer from the lack of love and support of a mother.....try hard to not let it consume you....get help.therapy if needed.......God bless you all.......julia

well guys, i am about to sit down and write a letter to my mom...... I am not going to mail it.... I just have to get these feelings out!!!!!!

I feel so lost and confused that I have to write it before i start to scream. Wish me luck!

Well my mom finally called me today..... one week later. She didnt apologize for anything, but asked if I wanted to try to reschedule the appointment. So question to you guys...........Do i try once more and hope that she doesn't stand me up .....again?

Could really use some help on this! Thanks

omg...I thought someone had been spying on my life. with all you ladies...what is it about mothers and daughters? I was the same way with mine right til the end. it seemed like I was a gluton for punishment. always going back. but I do know one thing. My mind is clear and so is my heart. I did everything I could to make her love me. I will never tell you to back away from your mom. To me no matter what she was still my mom and it was my duty to keep her in my life. only after she passed could I move on. Hang in there..I am here for you anytime

well that settles it!!!!! I am about to totally give up!!!!!
I went out of my way to set up the first appointment only to have her stand me up...... I resecheduled that appointment.... again she didnt call me or anything......
I made the post asking if i should set myself up for disappointment yet again....I didnt get the chance!!!! i called to see if we could get in again.... but the lady never called me back nor did my mom.....
I get an email this morning from her saying that since she didnt hear from me, she couldnt stand it any longer and went to get her haircut!!!!!!!!

I know this sounds trivial and it is........ but had I dont that to her....... the SH** would have hit the fan!!!!!!!!

sorry i am gripping and seem to be on a soap box, but it just irratates me!!!!!

You're not "just griping," Hun. It's legitimate! It's a process, but can you get yourself to not have any expectations of your mom? You can almost take it for granted that she's going to lay it on you.

If you want to continue to go out with her and do things with her, have HER set up the appointments, the times, etc. instead of you... or stop planning on doing things with her. Tell her "No, thank you." If she asks why, you can make an excuse or just tell her why but expect a guilt trip.

We can talk about it some more of you want.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Did I already mention that you still want to get from her what you didn't get before? That may be why you feel you set yourself up for more disapointment.

I know what you mean....... if I ask she almost always finds a way to weasel out....... if she asks, and you don't do it ...... she makes you feel like crap or she will not talk to you for weeks......... I know i have to be tough......

thanks SeptemberMorn..... it s just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

When my mom pulled the silent treatment on me, I'd try to enjoy it for a few days... and then I'd go crawling back.

i grew up with the silent treatment...... i hated it!!!!! when I tried to tell her about my stepdad..... she didnt speak for almost a month.....

{{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}} She couldn't face the truth yet again.