Feeling a little frustrated today...

My husband's attitude yesterday has left me discouraged and feeling somewhat hopeless. He had a one on one with his boss, and was told he wasn't performing at the level he should be, even though his boss knows what we are going through in our marriage. She has never been supportive, and not a very nice person, and I told him a year ago that he was wasting his potential working for this company. He makes good money, has a great "title", and he likes the corporate image they present, so he has been reluctant to change. Truth is, his personality is not the right kind in order for him to progress any further (they are a very social/party focus restaurant, he is a family man), where I know he would do great somewhere else (I too was in hospitality for 18 years before becoming a stay at home mom, so I know he is a good manager, he just gets discouraged and gives up when he doesn't get reassurance or support). So, after realizing what a terrible person he has been over the years, getting disappointed by his family yet again, watching the hurt he has put me through, it's like he got kicked in the ribs when he was down. And how does he react? The same way he always does, with anger and self pity, leaving me wondering why I should care enough to even offer my friendship.

He has broken our vows, hurt me, and separated our family. He has raised issues in me that will take years to heal, and I am now going to bring a brand newbaby into a damaged home. Do I walk around feeling sorry for myself? No, I seek help, talk to my friends and family, and look for support here. I am trying so very hard not to be angry with him, my temper is one of my biggest issues, but it's all I can do not to look at him and say "Are you f$%^ing kidding me?". He has brought this on himself, and watching him walk around the house with his poor attitude makes me want to slap him in the face!

When I confronted him about it, I told him that he needed to change his attitude, come up with a plan to change things, try to stay positive, or nothing was going to be resolved. It's hard enough for me to sort through my issues right now, I don't need to see him with his "woe is me" attitude. I just want to shake him and say "You need to do this, and this and this...", but I know he has to go through his own process, and I have to accept that he may not fix things ever. It is so hard when you know someone you love doesn't have the tools, or the strength, to face their demons. But it's not for me to tell him how to go about things, is it? I have tried in the past, finding literature for him to read, coaxing him into counselling, trying to make him see things from a different perspective, and obviously nothing has worked. How do you just step back and do nothing?

I wish I had some profound advice to offer. From a woman who has been where you are I just want to let you know you are not alone.

For me the choice was to leave and take my chances alone. I will not say it has been easy but I do feel much happier. It took many years of self loathing and a 5000 mile road trip away from him to get there. Sometimes you just have to let them self destruct on there own and protect yourself and your children.

Best wishes and bright blessings in the discovery of your best solution.

Maybe he doesn't want another mother?

And that's definitely not what I want to be! After talking to one of my girlfriends last night I realize that I have to step back and let him find his own way. It's hard though, he tells me he wants me to be part of his process, and appreciates any "direction" I can give him. But maybe that's why none of his past counselling efforts have worked, maybe it's because I was trying to "do it for him".

I just hope he can find his way, and find happiness within himself. In the meantime, I think I'm better off concentrating on my own issues.