[Razzleberry]

It's like I'm leading a double life. One day, we're picking out appliances and floor coverings for a new home. But the next day, I'm trying to decide if and/or when to divorce him. So confusing.

We're even building a mother-in-law style apartment into the new house, with a seperate entrance and everything. I keep thinking, great, that's where I can live...when we get divorced. Still live in the same house, still raise our daughter together, but not be together romantically anymore. He could work nights again, I'd work days. Sounds almost perfect.

But what the hell am I thinking???!!! Crazy to be building a house with a man I am thinking of divorcing.

I do love him, I really do. But we're not in love anymore. To be honest, we never should have got married in the first place. The romance died maybe 2 years before then. We only tied the knot because I was pregnant.

We don't fight, we get along, financially stable, good parents, all that. The only thing missing is the intimacy - and not just in bed, but all day long. I feel like we're just roomates, not husband and wife. And every attempt I have made to change that just doesn't last. It may help for a day or two but then we're back how we were.

I'm just so conflicted.

Part of me wants that perfect house on the corner with the picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog, loving husband, and growing old together, having the grandkids visit 30 years from now, going on cross-country roadtrips in our RV when we're retired. I want that life with him.

But then there's the part of me that just really misses the intimacy. I need that, somehow. I need someone, ANYONE, to tell me that they love me. Maybe I'm just too needy. But no one tells me that anymore. My family never did. I don't think my mother has ever said "I love you" to me. She just thought we "knew" that she did. My daughter, I know she loves me, but she's only 2 years old. Only so much you can get from that. I really just need to know that someone out there cares about me, as ME, not the person they want me to be. And I don't get that from him.

Sorry so long...just rambling.

[MyBestKids2]

Oh Raz, I am so there with you...I'm staying for the kids and some stability.

Wishing you peace and good thoughts

[wounded1]

Sometimes I wonder if women 100 years ago recognized the difference between "love" and "being in love". The times in my marriage that my husband and I have been in love, been best friends (as brief as they were), were some of the happiest of my life. I think it's those times that make me so unwilling to settle for anything less. There are times when I think "true love only happens in the movies", but there are times when I know in my heart that not only does it exist, it's probably out there waiting somewhere for me.

My husband insists that we are soulmates, in spite of the emotional roller coaster he's put me on, the trust he's broken, that I've told him it's over. He insists that I was put on this earth to be with him, too bad I don't feel the same about him...or I don't anymore.

We deserve "feature film" love ladies, we really do. If you're in a relationship with someone who is willing to work toward that with you, then I say give it a try. Apparently couple counselling works wonders at rekindling, or even creating a new flame.

I wish you all happiness, lives full of passion and hearts full of love.

[trippinmickey]

wow I'm sitting here reading your post and I was thinking the same thing about my marriage and it really hard .I know we both love each other but its just not the same as it use to be . I wont what we once had I miss the intimacy .We talked about it but she all ways goes back to being cold it feels like she pushing my away .I don't know if its because I'm bipolar but I really need to feel close to someone to have someone need me .

I hope he wakes up and you get what you are looking for it must be very hard for you. Hang in there

[FarmerFrank]

good luck with that... I've been engaged and the question always arose, is this it. is this the rest of my life?

so now I'm not out looking for perfection, not getting my expectations so high and things seem to work out. I admit I don't know how this will apply to your situation, but I certainly wish you the best.

[PlanningtoLive]

Razzle, I know exactly what you are talking about. My h and I have been together 14 years, 11 married with one son who is 12. There has not been any affection in so many years I have given up. We love each other,but don't think we are in love, you know?

Anyway, I'm exactly where you are right now, thinking about moving out and such. And I understand the NEED to know that someone really loves you. I hope things work out for both of us. Please take care of yourself.

Mary Alice

[seeker1950]

Razzle, I pm'd you.
I married in '76. Even the honeymoon was a disaster. But we worked together at the time, and riding to work, I would hear Paul Simon singing on the radio:
"Just hop on the bus, Gus,
No need to discuss much.
Just drop off the keys, Lee,
and get yourself free..." etc.
He had no concept of intimacy or romance. I stayed for 20 years.
Patty

[Razzleberry]

And the craziest part of all?

I'm already trying to figure out when I need to wean off meds...to try and get pregnant with baby #2.

What the heck am I thinking??!!!

[MyBestKids2]

Dearest Razz

I know what you mean. My husband blames our lack of intimacy (over 9 months) on the chemo from last year, and the kids being here, blah blah blah.

I'm not always comfortable being here, and tend to spend alot of time on my porch swing. I want my kids to be happy and they seem to be here. Of course, if that changes, then...

Wish you peace of mind!

[whiteNight]

i loved the movie "The Prestige" about 2 magic performers

the wife of the man who had his fingure shot off said

"i can tell when you realy mean 'i love you' which makes it more meaningful the days that its true"

both my parents got married 1 time in their 20s before they met each other in thier 30s
lucky they did not have kids in thier first so the seperation was not to bad

as thier 19 year old kid im happy they are still together but i do wory somtimes but thats life

[sunrise]

Razzle, I have been in a marriage without intimacy for 20 years. I am getting divorced now. My husband withheld affection, sex, sharing, and friendship. He wouldn't share the ups and downs of his life with me and didn't want to know about mine. As part of the divorce, we had some couples counseling and he told me that he withheld all this because he "didn't want to let his guard down." That made me feel awful, like I was the enemy and had to be guarded against. But at least he was honest. It seems pitiful to me that someone would work so hard for 20 years to avoid intimacy when what it really meant was that there was no happiness for either of us. Wouldn't a person rather be happy than not happy? I guess I still don't get him, but that's OK, we're not living together anymore, and the end is in sight.

Best of luck with your relationship.

[wounded1]

Sunrise...thank you. I am separated from my husband at the moment, but I think you have just explained why he has shut me out for the last 5 1/2 years (he was OK for the first year we were together)! He has been hurt terribly by the people in his life who were suppose to love him the most, and I think that's why he's never let me in.

I honestly don't know if we can ever be together in a romantic relationship ever again, he has killed whatever trust there ever was, but I have remained his friend. No one else has ever stuck with him this long, and he is a wonderful father to my children, so I will do whatever I can to help him find his way.

Thanks again for your insight, it's so comforting to have wonderful people like you here willing to share their experiences with the rest of us!

P.S.
Happy Mother's Day!

[Razzleberry]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He has been hurt terribly by the people in his life who were suppose to love him the most, and I think that's why he's never let me in.
...
No one else has ever stuck with him this long, and he is a wonderful father to my children

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow, that sounds a lot like my husband. He is estranged from his entire family, and has not even spoken to his parents or siblings in over 10 years. I don't even know the whole story - and I have never met my in-laws.

Yes, I know, this could be - and probably is - a HUGE reason why he struggles with intimacy. I have no idea, but he may have been abused. And obviously, he does not have a good relationship with his family, whether there was abuse or not.

That's why I feel sooooooooo incredibly guilty for the things I have done to him. He has stuck by me thru a lot of crap, that any other man would have just got up and left years ago. That alone makes me think, ok, maybe he does love me.

And he still does do little nice things for me once in a while.

Maybe I just want too much out of this marriage. I have no friends, I'm not close with my family and they live 2 states away, I just really have no one but him. I need so much love from him because I don't get it anywhere else. Maybe he just can't love me the way I need him to.

I will definitely be trying some marriage counseling, but first I need to get myself a bit more mentally stable before we try that. I admit that another huge reason I am hard to live with is my mental issues. Crazy mood swings, deep depression, not caring about the housework, just being a ****** sometimes!! I know that's hard to live with. Hopefully if I can fix that, he may care more about me? I don't know.

[Doh2007]

Marriages that last are made up of people who can stand each other. You will reach this point with anyone you marry. Believe it or not, you are at a place where you can really have the marriage you want. You just need someone to teach you both how to communicate.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Razzleberry said:
I will definitely be trying some marriage counseling,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that is a good plan, RazzleB. I think counseling can really help with communication skills, which Doh2007 pointed out are so important. I did try to get my H to go to marriage counseling with me about 9 years before our marriage split, but he wouldn't go. What I didn't realize then, was that one member of a couple can go to marriage counseling by herself. I thought it had to be the couple. So when my H said no, he wouldn't go, I dropped the idea of counseling. I know now that if I had gone on my own, it could have helped also. So I encourage you to go, even if on your own. Good luck.

[crazybones]

everything you feel is normal evry1 need to be loves if he does not show you will not know it till the very end
i guess if you dont feel the love the romance in your relationship after that long it will probably never be there again it is a hard choice to make but do it b4 its all a big mistake best of wishes to you my friend good luck