[wounded1]

Since separating from my husband, I have found it interesting exactly what my friends and my family have had to say about my situation.

Let me sum up what's going on so that you all have a better idea of what everyone's opinions are based on: during our 6 1/2 year relationship, my husband has not treated me very well at times, being mean, unsupportive, insensitive and extremely selfish. Two years ago when we were separated (still living together then as well), he began an online/telephone "relationship" with a woman in another state, and I caught him after it had been going on for months. Our second son was four months old. Five days ago (two years later), I caught him setting up a "secret" email account, which he was going to use to contact another woman - to start another "cyber affair". This time, it was not trouble in our marriage that sent him running to his "fantasy world', we were getting along better than ever, and excited about the birth of our daughter in a month. I think that's why I decided to end it this time, he showed me that no matter what is going on in our lives, when he feels out of control, he will always selfishly do what he needs to feel good, even if it hurts me. It only just occurred to me that I was his long distance "fantasy" for seven months before we got married, he was living with his ex-girlfriend when we met on a business trip, and I moved two thousand miles away to marry him. No wonder I always would say to him that he was not the man I thought I married, he wasn't, that man was someone he made up. I guess you can be anyone you want to be over the phone, but the fantasy falls apart when you co-exist in real life.

My husband is a very damaged person, who I have begged over and over to get help with his depression and unresolved issues. He would always start counselling, go for a few weeks, and then stop. Do I think he is beyond hope? I honestly don't know if he has the strength to deal with the issues that have created his behavior, and to live honestly. But for my kids' sake, I have to support his effort to try and change.

That all being said, I have one friend who thinks I should pack my bags right this second (at the end of a very high risk pregnancy) and move out, even if it's to a women's shelter. I have another friend who thinks I should move back to Canada (where I'm from) so I can have more support, and my Mom, God bless her, just wants to slap my husband upside the head for being so stupid! Another girlfriend, who is the product of (recovered) alcoholic parents is frustrated with him, but understands where his damage comes from, and how hard it will be for him to fix it. And what do I think? That's not as black and white as someone on the outside looking in.

Once again, I believe my marriage is over. The trust has been broken beyond repair, and he and I both agree that it was never based on honesty in the first place. However, love is not something you turn off and on like a light switch, and as hurt as I am, and shocked, and angry at times, and sad etc. etc. etc., my heart is still heavy to see what he is going through. He has confronted his mother about the way she and his dad treat him (with no remorse, guilt or apologies on her part!), has realized how much hurt he has put me through over the years, and just as I have, he has lost his best friend (and he knows he is responsible). I don't believe he is a lost cause, but I will not stay with him in hope that he will change. I gave him that chance the last time he broke my trust, and he threw it away.

I know there are so many people that will disagree with this next statement, but here goes; I believe I am a mother first and a person second. I am at the end of a difficult pregnancy, and right now my #1 priority is keeping myself healthy and bringing my daughter into the world safely. My sons, who are 4 and 2, idolize their father, and my greatest hope is that he fixes his issues before they are old enough to realize how broken he is. I owe it to them to offer him whatever support I can (which right now only consists of listening when he needs to talk about the process he is going through), they deserve a positive role model.

For now, I have to continue to live with him. I have arranged telephone therapy sessions for myself, and this forum is a great outlet and source of comfort to me. I know I am strong enough to deal with the situation as is. After the baby is born, and I am recovered, I can decide at that time what the right living situation is.

I have to do what I feel is right for my children and myself, no matter what anyone else thinks. Is that wrong?

[bebop]

I do understand what you are saying. right now is probably not the time to move out. however I do have one question. who is the positive role model?

[wounded1]

Are you implying that because of my choices that I am not being a positive role model? Or are you refering to him?

[bebop]

no I was wondering who you were referring to. I was hoping you did not mean him. sorry for the misunderstanding there.

[BrnEyedGrl]

wounded1

I think you are totally right here. You have to think of you, this new baby and your other children first. If that means you stick around and be civil roommates with your husband for while then be it. That is all you can do at this point. (I am in a similar situation myself, but I only have one son who is almost five, so I could probably leave easier, but it's never really easy for many reasons right?)

I think its great you have many friends to turn to in times of need and support, but they are only living outside and you know more than anyone what it right. Just concentrate on your health and the health of the new baby for now, and when the time comes that you feel comfortable moving on....do it then.
I wish you much much luck and enjoy this time you have with you new baby and your kids. As much as you would like to have things right with your hubby.....your children will be the light in your life FOREVER!!!

[wounded1]

No apologies necessary! Like I've said, I'm being bombarded with a multitude of different opinions about my choices, but the one thing I know is that everyone means well!

I am hoping my husband can change his behavior and become a positive role model for the kids. They are too young right now to realize that their dad treats their mom badly, or that his behavior is selfish, and I'm hoping he will be well on his way to resolving his issues before they get to the age when they start recognizing it.

Once again, thank you everyone for all your support, kind words, and just for letting me vent!

[sabby]

(((((((((((( wounded1 ))))))))))))))

You most definitely have the right to call things as you see them and make your own decisions. It certainly sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about your situation and you are not acting impulsively or without coming up with a plan.

The only exception I have to one of your thoughts is that you said your kids were too young to understand that your husband is treating you badly....I happen to disagree with that. No matter what age the children are.....they can become what they live. If they see and hear your husband not speaking respectfully or any physical violence, even at their young age, they will remember it. They may not realize it is improper behavior....but they can learn how to copy it and live it. Please don't forget that when there is stress in the household, the children feed off it like crazy. If you or your husband are in bad moods or anxious or angry, they will respond to those emotions with their own anxiety.

I really hope you have a safe and healthy delivery and you heal well. Once you get through that part....then you can begin to make decisions about your living arrangements and marriage.

Take good care of YOU!


sabby

[AAAAA]

(((((wounded1))))) First let me say that I hope you and the baby are doing fine. You’re exactly right that only your opinion matters, it’s very easy for us to say this is wrong, or this is right. The only exception to that, in my opinion, is where there is abuse involved.

It’s nice that you have so many people that love you and are concerned about your welfare. Are you asking their advice or are they just volunteering it?

I’m guilty of this myself. My niece, whom I love dearly, is extremely intelligent, beautiful; caring to a fault but always picks the wrong guy. I’m not kidding, you can have 99 wonderful men in the room with one loser, and she’ll pick the loser every time.

She asks my opinion, and I used give it to her in black and white, she’d get mad. I don't say these things to bother her, but I've made a few mistakes in my time and there's a few observations I've made along the way. It's so hard to watch someone you love making a mistake and sit quietly by. Now when she asks my opinion, I just tell her that I love her and wish her the best.

[wounded1]

Thanks AAAAA, and you're right, I am very lucky to have so many people who care about me, and I never take it for granted for one second!

Ironically enough, it's always been me who everyone has turned to as "the voice of reason", and I, like you have a tendency to be "too direct". Everyone's initial reactions were quite strong, I think because they were so surprised, frustrated and angry at my husband, and everyone has softened a bit since then. My husband is not a horrible person, just a damaged one, but I know my friends are MY friends, and their concern, first and foremost, is for my wellbeing. And I am so very blessed to have that in my life!

It is because of my wonderful Mom, my fabulous friends, and kind people like you here on the forum, who offer words of support and encouragement, that I am doing so well in what is a very difficult and uncomfortable situation.

Thank you again, I wish you well.