[Rose3]

This is just trying to understand a friend's behavior when we go out in public into a restaurant (for example). Partly, I don't like what happened. Parly, I am trying to understand why it happens.
So - guess I'm just asking for other points of view - to understand, and how to respond - carefully.
We went out for lunch, it was later in the afternoon, so only a few other people were even in the restaurant. The waitress was a young woman, who was very enthusiastic about the menu selections, and very friendly (long blonde hair) and quite talkative.
As the meal progressed - my friend then started to ask her personal questions (about her studies, etc). Then he started talking to her about some of my concerns (which took me quite by surprise, and I did not like this because I don't tend to discuss my personal concerns with a total stranger). I do not know why he did this.
Then he continued involving her in our lunch time (again - something that I did not really like very much - because, although I am willing to be friendly, I really didn't go out for lunch to spend the time with her).
As we were leaving, he continued talking to her - telling him about his own past of not having completed his education. I don't know why he would start saying these things about himself. I found it was becoming embarrassing - and to hear him say these things reminded me of when he has told me that he feels like a failure (because of not finishing his education, etc). The result is that I am now again feeling kind of sorry for him - that he has to go around saying this to strangers. And I wouldn't want the waitress to follow his example - of not finishing one's education (I am thinking of him as a poor role model right now - in regard to this enthusiastic young woman who is in pursuing her education).
How could I have responded to him and to her - during lunch while this kind of interaction was occurring.
He has done things similar to this in the past. Almost ignoring me while he carries on a lengthy conversation with someone else in the restaraunt, and it doesn't end, it goes on and on, I eventually go back and forth to the washroom to figure out what next to do. I finally decided that I would just walk away. And then it's up to him to either carry on his conversation with someone else, or realize that I am leaving the scene.
Why does he do this? Is he trying to make more friends? Is he looking for listeners? Is he bored with me? Is he trying to pick her up? Is he just being sociable wherever he goes? Am I over-reacting?

[Doh2007]

It sounds complicated. Can't tell if he's flirting, or he's just desperate. It doesn't sound like he values you. But I could be wrong. I'm not sure I'd stay in a relationship like this.

[Rose3]

thanks
It does get complicated.

[AAAAA]

It sounds bizzare, the poor girl! I would be embarrassed too. The fact that he started sharing your concerns with her tells me that you really shouldn't be sharing with him anything personal. Initially it sounded like he was flirting, but once he started talking about himself and you, I don't even know what that would be called.

[Rose3]

Thanks - that's what I was thinking too.
Anyway - I'll try to reorganize how I interact and respond; because I cannot control him. He does have a kind heart. And so do I.

[sabby]

Hi Rose3,

I can imagine how unnerving this kind of situation is for you. I think you might want to have a talk with him before heading out together again and let him know in no uncertain terms that information about you is not to be shared with anyone. I think what he does is tacky....and very possibly because he is lacking in the social skills maybe? Of course it could be more than that, but since I don't know him it's hard for me to figure it out.

But yeah, I would tell him how you feel when he brings you up in conversation with a stranger (or anyone for that matter) right in front of you. You have a voice and can chime in if you feel like it. See how he reacts to you explaining this to him. He may not even realize he's doing that or how you feel about it.

Good luck Rose3!


sabby

[kim_johnson]

Hmm... It sounds like a difference rather than being a 'better' or 'worse' kinda thing. Some people just are more friendly (or open to making friends) than others. I'm personally not much of one for really chatting to waitresses etc but my ex boyfriend really was. And... I'd feel a little annoyed sometimes that he paid them so much attention! But then... I started paying them more attention too and it would turn into a pleasant social encounter. He was amazing for us being able to go to a bar or a restaraunt somewhere neither of us had ever been before and then we would end up really chatting to lots of people there like they were old friends almost :-)

That being said, I'm sorry you felt embarrassed about what he disclosed to the waitress about you. It can be hard when it comes to things that we are sensitive about... But part of making friends involves risks... But then whether or not those risks are taken should be up to you. I would say something to him about this if you can. But it might just be that he is more open to being friendly with people.

[Rose3]

thanks again.
I have learned to be wary of strangers; I make my own friends.
When I go out with someone - it is not for the purpose of spending the evening with strangers. I think that he is afraid of waiters/waitresses poisoning the food or something if they don't like the customer (because he has said something to this effect).
He might have been experiencing some manicky behaviour (related to a recent significant experience in his life), and in some respects he has demonstrated poor judgment.

[kim_johnson]

Hey. So... It sounds like you are rather reserved with respect to meeting new people. When you go out with a friend then you expect that to be a time for you and your friend to connect and you feel uncomfortable when he shows in interest in getting to know other people who are around when you are out together.

I am like that by nature, too. But that being said, I've become open to different ways of being with respect to having a number of friends now who have a different attitude with respect to meeting new people. I have a number of friends now who like to go to the pub with me then while they are in the pub they have eye contact with other people and they are open to including them in our conversation. My ex boyfriend was more like this than most, however, with respect to happily chatting to waitresses and bartenders etc as well. It did come as a bit of a shock to me at first... Especially when we were on a date somewhere... But I decided to give it a go and kind of followed along from his lead and... Found that it was quite enjoyable, actually. We had time to talk, but we got to know other people as well.

It might be that he is demonstrating poor judgement in being so open with strangers... Or it might be that his judgement is a little different from yours in the sense of his being more open to making friends. It might be that he hasn't been as burned by strangers as you have and so he is basically more trusting of others (rightly or wrongly). I think a little about people spitting in my food so I do try and be pleasant and respectful of serving staff... But exchanging pleasantries can help make life more enjoyable (put you at ease a little). I'm not sure...

I do understand your not being happy with his disclosing something that you shared with him, however. It might be that he doesn't understand your being so sensitive / closed about it, however. How do you think the waitress responded to his disclosure about you? Was she basically sympathetic? Judgemental? Maybe you felt too embarrassed (thinking she must be bored to death with him or be thinking he must be desperate for friends for him to be chatting with her) to notice???

I don't know... Different ways of being perhaps...

It might be that he didn't mean to embarrass / humiliate you, though. If you tell him that that is how you felt then he might be able to be more discrete with your disclosures...