How do you respond when your T does this?

In my most recent session, T pulled his chair up close in front of me and looked right into my eyes, and projected all this warmth and love at me and said these great things about me. Sometimes the force of his affirmation just freezes me. On the one hand, I love it, but how do I react? I felt an impulse to hug him, as I would if it were a friend saying this to me, and immediately knew that was not right. But I don't know what to do. I said nothing. What should I say in response? "Thanks?" That seems somehow inadequate and a response not appropriately matched to the magnitude of what he gave me. Aaaacckkk! At least I've gotten so I do not try to deflect his comments with an offhand, denying remark. It took me a while to get there, to accept and listen to what he was saying and projecting. It's like all that positive aimed at me is something I am not used to dealing with at all from previous figures in my life, and I have a hard time knowing how to react. I have been used to getting negative all my life, not positive. How should I respond? How do you respond when it happens to you?

I would jump up, and run out the door screaming like a loon. Prolly not the best advice tho.....

em

(((hugs))) I also "enjoy" this when my T does it. I think he does this to gain my full attention when either what he has to say is very, very important, and/or when I'm having trouble focussing..or when I feel so very far from everything good.

I have asked him, Can you come closer? He always wants to know why, but he always does move closer. (Some days it's just that I'm having more trouble hearing

To feel the caring energy from someone like this really is a good feeling, imo!

I don't know that I could say "I like it when you move closer." I would tell him that it helps me focus, and helps me to know he really cares how I'm doing.

This is a problem I have as well. However, it makes me so angry when people try and compliment me. I snapped at a friend about it recently. I also started to fly into a rage when my psychotherapist was trying to get me to come up with examples of people valuing me. I was able to stop myself thankfully, but it's something she wants to work on. I'm not looking forward to it. It just violates my self-schemas so much, that it makes me angry.

Good luck. I'm sure there are lots of us here that feel that way.

There is no right or wrong way to resond, only your way. If it makes you happy, then feel the happiness and tell him it makes you feel good, happy, valued, etc. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then feel the discomfort, see where feeling the discomfort might take you, tell him it makes you feel that way, or whatever way. If it feels a mixture of things, which is likely, then feel that and tell him about it.

Your reactions, your feelings, your experiences are yours and yours alone. Relax a bit and let the feelings come to you to explore.

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emily4040 said:
I would jump up, and run out the door screaming like a loon. Prolly not the best advice tho.....

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Em, thanks for the belly laugh--I think I almost spit my tea on the monitor.

It's interesting to hear that other people's T's do this too. (My first counselor never did anything remotely like this.) I got this image of therapists-in-training sitting in class, practicing this technique, as the instructor guides them. "Now class, pull your chairs close to the client, look into their eyes, and project your empathy, positive energy, warmth, caring, and love right at them." And all the T's try this out, with varying degrees of success. "And remember class, you must keep a straight face when you do this."

Thanks for your comments, Sky, David, ECHOES.

Sky, like your T, mine also does this when there is really something important he wants me to hear. Sometimes he will even preface this "move" with the words "listen to me," or "I have something to say to you."

I'm glad I mentioned this here, I think next time it happens I'll be more relaxed with it.

The converse of this "move" is when T leaves his chair and sits on the couch, which is further away from me. And he'll often turn in profile to me, not looking directly at me anymore, and swing his legs up on the couch. I suspect he's just giving his back a rest, but I feel like saying "don't leave me, come back!"

lol. my response would be the same as emily :-)

t has never done that with me. i don't imagine he ever will either...

but...

with respect to what to do back...

can you do the same?

(smile i mean)

that would be cool

:-)

My first reaction was *WOW*. Since my trust in my therapist has grown, in my estimation, significantly over time, I would welcome an approach like this from him. It would feel like sweet music to my soul.

Calm

yup I'd love it on one level, but I would still have to run LOL!!

Neat! I wish mine would do that! Very cool, and intense! We seem to sit so far apart, she's never touched me or sat closer than 4 feet, so good for you! This t really wants to get a message to you...

One thing that has helped me is learning the difference between "react" and "respond." :-) I want to learn to "respond." You had the right response with the hug but yes, that would be inappropriate and wouldn't work in the situation. So, you knew "thanks" would be a bit too inadequate but what words would not be? How about something like, "Thank you for believing in me, it feels very helpful and gives me hope I can learn to believe in myself."?

I almost died during my wedding, my husband poured all his love out of his eyes into me like that. I hadn't been looking at him directly but then did and almost burst into tears :-) He does that sort of thing often so I'm getting better at responding. Give yourself a break, it's "new" to you and you have to learn to respond. "Thank you, it feels so hard to know how to respond to such belief in me" wouldn't be a bad response either or even the lame "thank you" would be okay since you're learning and since it would be heartfelt? I'm sure your T sees/knows you aren't deflecting anymore and is thrilled. Be thrilled with him and move one tiny step more in the direction you want to go and do the "thank you" -- it's hard!

I really love the threads on this board! (I'm new here.)

I've had a very similar experience although the therapist didn't actually speak. He was just looking at me very intently and smiling. I definitely felt that feeling of kindness, etc. being poured in my direction. I think I ultimately said something to the effect of "stop looking at me like a bug under a microscope" which of course was not at ALL what he was actually doing. Then he said something like "that was affection and you felt it until you pulled away." Totally true, totally scary.

He's great.

I do sometimes feel like a bug under a microscope. It's not a bad degrading feeling though. I imagine I'm a totally cognizant bug looking right back at the eyeball that's staring in at me. :-)

I love therapy. What an enormous help it has been to me and my abilities to relate and interact better.

Sidony

Hey Sunrise.......have you seen your t since? Did this come up or did he do this again? I want to know how this has helped you. I am still so happy he did that. Wow, what a connection for you two....

Hi Talulah--No, I haven't seen my T since then. We had to skip a week, but will meet again next week. Two weeks seems to stretch forever....

I feel I will be better able to respond to him now after thinking about it and reading people's responses here. When he turns that affirmative force on me like that, it's almost as if a strong wind is blowing and I have to brace or I'll be blown away. I can do it.

sidony--loved your comments. Yes, I've been there as you described, with pushing away the affection at first. I don't do it anymore, and am getting closer to being able to respond in kind. I am glad you love your therapy. Me too.

sunny

I too have been used to the negative all my life, so having such a low opinion of myself, I find it very disconcerting and somewhat embarrassing when my T does this; I have never had a therapist that has shown me such warmth and acceptance as this one, and I am fairly new (a couple months) seeing her. She did it today: pulled her chair close to me and I admit it was uncomfortable yet I felt the warmth emanating from her, and it was nice to feel so accepted by her. I am still at the tentative stage where I am afraid I will say or do something to put her off, but that is my nature. It is great to feel this sort of caring and know that it is real. I need to keep telling myself it is okay to trust her, that she does care about me. I love this feeling!