Should WE try marriage counseling???

Hello Everyone........ I am a newbie to PC. I joined on Thurs. 6/5/08. I have visited and read many forums. I am looking for help with my troubled mind.

Ok, here goes. My husband and I argue about sex. I have never had a big sex drive, and he knew this going into the marriage. We have been married for 8yrs this year, and dated 6yrs before getting married. I found out when our second child was month old that he had been having an affair for "about a year" he said. Come to find out.....he had multiple affairs. He said all but one was one night stands (like that made it ok). Anyway, we decided to try and make our family work. That was 3yrs ago now. When we got back together after separating for 6mths our relationship was completely different. We made time for each other, and time for family. Things were great. TODAY....I am back to having to ask for a date, and my husband is back to getting pissed off because I don't want to have sex.

Should we try counseling or should I just get Over_IT??? I don't know what my problem is. I would like to blame it on a low sex drive, but I am afraid that maybe it is due to resentment. I do not look at him as I use to. I do not have feelings for him as I use to. I am completely and totally afraid to care for him as I use to. HELP

Sounds like you were willing to try.
Maybe reflect and consider your reasons for continuing to try - what you are hoping for, and do your hopes coincide with his hopes?
Can your areas of concern be resolved?
His own behaviour of involvement with others sounds like he's not really commited to your relationship - so he does what he wants to do. Are there any dangers to you - because of his involvements with others (the multiple affairs)? Is he using precautions to protect his sexual health when he has these involvements with others? If he isn't - then this is putting your health at risk. You don't want any STDs - they can be lifelong with a lot of health problems.
Having all those multiples affairs - what does he value?
What can you anticipate for the future?
Maybe try your own personal counselling first, before couple counselling - in order to clarify your own mind first.
Is he motivated to invest much effort in couple counselling?
And think of your own options for the future.
Sure do hope things work out okay for you.
Just wondering - why does he stay?
And why do you stay?

Marriage counseling did wonders for my husband and I. I would recommend it.

I agree you should make the attempt, and he needs individual help as well.

Is he still having affairs?
Do you know why he had the affairs to begin with?
It sounds like he may be or have been using sex to medicate himself... make himself happy.

I would say it all depends on him. It sounds like you want to try.
If he has no desire, then nothing will change.
If he has been faithful since and really want to be with you, then yes, do go.

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Over_It said:
Should we try counseling or should I just get Over_IT???

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I say - YES to Counseling....... as the problem in any marriage is rarely ever truly about sex (or what ever the fight is over) - not having sex is the love meter in your marriage to show you that there is some thing deeper going on here.... so maybe a third party could help you and your husband.

your relationship sounds much like mine. we dated on and off for 9 years before getting married, i even had a very short disasterous(but got a wonderful child out of it)marriage to someone else. the early years of marriage were very bumpy, even my in-laws wondered why i stayed. easy answer, beneath it all he is my best friend. we are about to celebrate our 20th anniversary and have a very solid relationship.

if you are still together now then there must be a deep underlying connection. go to therapy and try to work out your problems. don't give up on something that has come this far without a fight.

lost

I agree with Rhapsody - in that problems are never about the amount of anything. It's about everything else, usually. I was in a similar situation - was with my wife for about 5-6 years before we got married. There could be simple things in life that mess with his mind that are from early childhood (I had lots of this) that counseling helped with.

Remember that counseling only works if both parties agree to open their minds and hearts to it and really work on what the caues are. Many times, it's things like what their parents taught them when they were kids or other "personality chemistry and brainwashing" that happens to you as you try to find yourself in life.

Marriage is a wonderful thing - but it has the ability to turn into something horrific if you don't feed it and care for it (like a garden). Also, the garden analagy is good - since a garden is only "beautiful and healthy" when well-kept. But also remember that some people find extreme beauty in a patch of nasty weeds.

Hi Over It

Welcome to PC. I am certain you will find kind and supportive people here.

Counseling, whether individual or marital, certainly won't hurt. Are you prepared to let the marriage go on as it has, or would you really like to work on it to make it better? How about your husband....is he willing to go to counseling?

I wish you peace and the answers you seek.

Good luck,
Dee

I greatly appreciate everyone's advice. Practically everything you all have said MAKES COMPLETE SENSE. I agree with that maybe there is something more deep than sex that is causing our issues. And, yes... he said that the affairs were "only" about sex. I have mentioned to him many times that maybe he needs therapy for (what I think is) his addiction. Anyway, I am going to attempt to find a therapist. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!!!!