I have been struggling with letting go of a long term friendship... for a very long time now.. and have posted... different times.. so.. sorry.. here is another one..

and if you have thoughts... please share...

I am not sure when this started happening.. in our friendship.. I think at her retirement.. she retired at 50 something.. both she and hubby have money.. and no children..

she started critizing me for everything I do... and voicing it.. and badgering... wanting to pick out my dog.. well just everything..

so yesterdays conversation - a part of it..

she is getting new wood flooring... and we talking.. I said.. you must be so excited.. Yazza...
and asked where she was putting it.. and she explained.. dinning room.. hallway... and I asked.. "all the way down" the hall way?? cause I wanted to know..

and whoa... that set her off.. into such a tagent....

and I said "XYZ"... I don't talk to you.. like that why do you do that to me... I don't understand what is going on... lately..

and then she said: "because I know what you are thinking.... you are thinking why doesn't she put wood in living room.. and all the hallway.. and.. and... and... and.."

WOW>>>>> I must think alot....

really folks.. I had none of those 'thoughts' - I was still trying to visualize.. where she was putting the wood..

and when I told her that... she cried..

and I felt so badly...

but.. I can't go on with my friendship like this..where I can't have a simple conversation... with her.. "venting".. and that is what it is....

so... I have tried... so hard...

and frankly.. with my eating disorder.. sapping my energy... and the fibrom.. pain... I just do not have the energy to be "badgered" and "yelled" at... everytime we talk..

I am actually afraid to say "it is beautiful out today" because it sets her off in a tagent... of "no... it is xyz.. and tttt and lll and ppp"... and Yazza..

so what do I really do??? I make up excuses so that I don't have to see her... when we set a time... it make me physically sick...

is this what friendships are suppose to do??

and if I have tried and tried to make it better.. and it isn't... can I let it go...without the quielt...

((((((((( freewill )))))))))

You still love your friend but this is not fair on you. The communication line seems to need some mending... Why this has happened I do not know... I just know you need to stay emotionally safe. Have you tried sitting down talking to her eye to eye about how you feel, concerning her ways towards you?

Thinking of you!

Yes... over the past 3 years... I have several times... the last a few weeks ago.. and whoa.... it got real abusive towards me..

it makes my ED just flare... thinking about being around her..

I love her... I would do anything for her.... and she says she knows that... except.. she has an inability to respect boundaries...

(((hugs))) for you..

[ECHOES]

Hard to deal with someone like that. How to tell them that you have separate minds and thoughts, when it seems so obvious?

You might have to be willing to practice saying, these are MY thoughts/opinions/preferences. You have yours, and I have my own because we have separate minds.

[AAAAA]

It sounds like she's projecting HER behavior onto you (in the flooring situation). I don't think that a friendship should be so hard all of the time. You might be in different places in your life right now and need a break from each other.

Although it sounds selfish, you need to think of yourself first. If she's a good friend, she'll understand you need for space and be waiting for you when you're ready to give it another try.

[Fuzzybear]

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ECHOES said:
Hard to deal with someone like that. How to tell them that you have separate minds and thoughts, when it seems so obvious?

You might have to be willing to practice saying, these are MY thoughts/opinions/preferences. You have yours, and I have my own because we have separate minds.

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Update...

I have put this friendship... "on hold"... friends are "forever and a day" with me... however... they cannot be allowed to be destructive... and for some reason... well.. the reason... is I have changed dramatically since joining PC... our friendship.. isn't "working"..

Have given it 2-3 years... and alot of effort..

so though it hurts me profoundly.. I emailed her today... requesting she keep her contact limited to e-mails.. only.. and that she.. be careful... or we wouldn't be able to do that..

conquering my eating disorder.. is a priority for me... and.. I cannot let this friendship get in the way of my health...

I told her a few months.. of no contact is a "drop in the bucket"... compared with the 27 years.. we have been friends....

after a few months... we shall see...

[50guy]

Freewill,

This is a very brave and very necessary step forward.

You can do this, so continue to move forward.

Eric

[ECHOES]

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and that she.. be careful... or we wouldn't be able to do that..


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... and so now you're thinking for her.

no... I am setting boundaries... she knows no boundaries...currently..

she is cutting, hurtful.. and will put me down... and when.. I said that.. it was in reference to.. boundaries...

and I have since ended the friendship...

I did it very directly... I believe in that... and.. I have worked hard for last 3 years to keep this friendship... to grow.. it like we have always done in the past... but.. this time.. no growth happened..

I am a much happier person.. without someone poking me.. and saying nasty things to me...

I don't miss this friendship... I am just done..

I did have breakfast with another friend.. and it is like night/day between them - we laugh, joke.. she encouages.. doesn't judge, try and convict me.. on every word I say...

so... friendships.. do end.. even 27 year old friendships...

my other friend.. knows boundaries.... and that is important in friendships.. and relationships..

[Rose3]

I do respect what you are doing re: those boundaries
because of some experiences that I have had with
a long-term friend of over 25 years.
It just started getting uncomfortable and pressured - such that I dread getting together with her - keep trying to think of how to maybe get out of getting together - at one point I said "no phone calls - no emails - no invitations" but I find myself again dreading gettng together (and we haven't seen each other for about 2 years now - mutual schedule concerns). It the snappishness - now turned into intrusiveness (like I wonder - where did all this come from?)
Seems to be a control interaction - for reasons that I do not understand. In any case, I don't like being with someone who has to be so controlling - and I still don't know how to sort this out very well - but to say to myself that we are different, we have developed different ways of interacting - and something has to change.
I have changed it by being unavailable (because I don't know what else to do).
I wish you luck.
It's kind of sad when a valued friendship ends.