If you've ever been jealous, please read this

(Wanting something someone else has, not the relationship jealous.)

I've been struggling to forgive a mutual "friend" who is the ex of my mate's buddy. Though they broke up, she visited us a few times and on at least one of those occasions, she stole an object of sentimental value. The object is an item that my mate and I kept because it reminded us of when we met. There would normally be no value to anyone else. After some pressure and evidence, she did admit to taking it, but would never admit to why. I don't think we'll be seeing her for a long time. (No, we do not have the object back.)

It has become obvious to us that she was jealous of our relationship. I am furious because I valued the object, I trusted her, and I feel like a fool that it happened, even though I/we really did nothing wrong. In order to get past this--it happened many months ago--I think I just need to forgive her. I can't seem to stop thinking about the fact that someone would steal a useless object just because they're jealous. I just don't understand it. Because she didn't talk about why she did it, I feel this missing link to resolving the incident.

This is an awkward question, but maybe someone can say the right thing to help. If you have ever been jealous in this or a similar way, please write to explain the impulse to do harm. What must our friend be feeling? Is it appropriate for me to ban her from our house? Talking about your own "incident" may help you too.

Jealousy can be a hard emotion for people to admit (even to themselves) that they are experiencing. Jealousy, envy, pride etc are often regarded to be terrible, horrible emotions that nice and kind and decent and respectable people simply don't feel. I think that all of these feelings are normal and that everyone experiences them at times, but they can surely be hard emotions to face up to because of the way they tend to be viewed in society.

Sometimes jealousy can arise because a person feels left out of something. They perceive that other people have something that they need (emotionally) and they feel deficient in some way and wish they had that for themselves. It might be that this person saw that you both experienced a special closeness and a bond and that stealing the item wasn't so much an attempt to destroy the bond that you had but arose more from a desire for her to feel part of that bond, too. It could have arisen out of lonliness or something like that.

Sometimes empathizing with the person can involve trying to place ourselves in their shoes. To be able to forgive someone often means adopting a charitable take on their rationale for doing what they did so that we can place ourselves in their position and feel compassion for them. I'm not saying that you should forget what has happened (or let her back into your home). But maybe reflecting on times when others have had something that you wanted (emotionally) might have you placed to forgive what this person has done.

Perhaps...

Though I guess you won't know why she did it until you ask her. And of course she might not know why she did it (she might have adopted a view of herself where she is a horrible jealous person and be afraid that maybe she is so she might not know why she stole it). If you could talk to her about it in a way that is seeking understanding instead of condemnation she might be able to tell you why... But it might be that she is so afraid of herself that no matter how caring and compassionate you are in asking she simply won't be able to give you a satisfactory answer.

Perhaps she’s a kleptomaniac and could not help her compulsion and had no other motive. I would recommend forgiving because if you don’t it will only eat you up inside. I would also let her know that she’s not welcome in the house, who knows what she’ll take next.

Thanks Kim,

We have asked her to say why she took it and she just sort of dodged it and left. I doubt that I could talk to her without condemning her, but that is a good suggestion I could work towards if given the chance. I don't want her around because I'm trying to BUILD my ability to trust people and seeing her would only remind me of how I can't trust many people.

As for her probably wanting to feel a part of our bond, but not trying to destroy our relationship, boy would that feel good to hear from her! People who have been hurt usually assume the worse. I don't think she thought taking an object like that would destroy our relationship, but I did/do fear that it was just the beginning of her efforts to take out her frustration us. With all that said, we spent many fun times with them as a couple and grew to really like them. Even though they broke up, we let her know we would still enjoy seeing her sometimes and to not drift away. If she's so frustrated and in need of a bond, why not take it out on someone she doesn't know so well?! Why burn a bridge by stealing? Maybe people underestimate the consequences of negative behavior in friendships?

It could simply be that she wanted the object and lacks the ethical reasoning to procure one otherwise.

You may have made a connection to an emotional response that isn't there...of course you may not have.

But bottom line,,,the taking of something that belonged to you is an issue of broken trust. That may be the most important aspect to the incident.

Can you trust her again?...

I don't know but I do know that it probably won't happen until you are all able to sit down and communicate. Understanding why,,,her having true remorse and making amends will be a base for further development of trust.

Jealouscy is not generally focused upon the unrelated to the object...but in disordered minds that object can shift...

IMHO.

Lenny

Do you know for a fact that she is jealous - or are you just supposing that she is?

> I don't think she thought taking an object like that would destroy our relationship

Yeah, that wouldn't make much sense.

> but I did/do fear that it was just the beginning of her efforts to take out her frustration us.

So you think she is feeling frustrated with you both...

> we spent many fun times with them as a couple and grew to really like them. Even though they broke up, we let her know we would still enjoy seeing her sometimes and to not drift away.

Ah. It can be hard when you are friends with people in virtue of being part of a couple. Hard to know whether they would continue in their friendship when things break up, or whether their loyalties lye with the other half of the couple. Since you are so close to her ex it would be understandable if she were to feel like when she lost her ex she had lost you as well.

> If she's so frustrated and in need of a bond, why not take it out on someone she doesn't know so well?!

You seem to think that in stealing the item she did to to lash out at you. That her action was personally directed toward you and that the motives were frustration and anger.

I was suggesting that there might be another way to cast that. It could be that she took it for her own emotional needs (to have a memory of him perhaps) and the harm to you was more an unfortunate byproduct of her action than the intent behind her action.

Like how sometimes we need to get an immunisation or something and it hurts like hell. The doctor doesn't intend to hurt us like hell, however, the point of the immunisation isn't to hurt you - it is to help you. Even though it is forseeable that the act of delivering an immunisation will hurt the person. I'm not suggesting she was trying to help you in taking it. But I am suggesting that sometimes consequences of our actions are unintended by-products rather than the reason why we do them.

Interesting.... still hard to understand, but at least a few of you have tried to give me a realistic explanation of why somone would act like that.

I saw a movie once about a couple who kept the napkin from the restaurant of their first date. Our object wasn't a napkin, but was along the same lines of being a meaningless object except to the owners as in the scenario presented in the movie. NO one would want it, except us. That is ALL she took!

If she did it because she had an emotional need to feel close to her ex, she would have stolen our copies of pictures of them together. (I wouldn't be upset about those, and I would be quicker to understand the behavior!) But to take a symbol of another couple falling in love...at the time you're falling out of love? Come on, if it's not jealousy, what is it?

I've never had those feelings. For example, I've heard overweight women say they get angry when they see thin women. What's up with that? I simply can't see how someone could be so mean. But as I type this and read the responses, I am starting to feel better. I hope more people can open up about jealousy (or seemingly jealous) behavior. Thanks.

Ah, I didn't get that. So... They broke up and now you are his girlfriend. Hence... The thought that she is jealous of your relationship. I get that... It is a hard situation. Maybe she isn't coping so well with the breakup. Some distance (between you both and her) might be best. Some time and space so she can get her life together and start to move on.

"I've been struggling to forgive a mutual "friend" who is the ex of my mate's buddy. "

Sorry, I guess that didn't come out well. She is the ex-girlfriend of my mate's good friend. She has never been with my mate, he'd have a big laugh to hear this! We are still very good friends with her ex-boyfriend, but that shouldn't matter.

confusing situation

Wow, I can't imagine why she would want an object that belonged to you guys, especially when she doesn't have any romantic ties to either of you. I don't have any advice, but to please be careful. It would make me rather nervous I think.

A lot of people read this, but few responded, oh well. I was hoping to hear more from people who have had bouts of jealousy themselves to maybe talk it out.

I tried searching for books. Most everything on jealousy is in regard to being jealous of "the other woman or man." One of the 10 commandments is to not covet your neighbors stuff, there must be more available! Can anyone suggest books or websites? Maybe something on how to deal with jealous people or how to recognize it? Even fiction?

Hi dunnit. I did a search but didn't really come up with anything relevant. However, you might post a question in the "Answers" section of Psych Central (It's on the lower menu bar, second from the right) to see if you can get some answers there.

As or the extra views, sometimes people come back to read responses and that could account for extra views. Also, I know when I was newer, and sometimes now, I have not been in a place or frame of mind to be able to post but still like to read.

If I see anything on jealousy that might help, I'll be sure to post it.

Thank you very much.

In case you're reading this post with as much personal interest as I have, the book "Being OK, just isn't Enough" by Helmering has a chapter on jealousy. There's also some discussion of attention-seeking behavior.

Did it have some good information to help you understand?

I have two cats, brother and sister. The female seems obviously jealous of the male often: she watches when I pet him. I am sure that even when she is in the other room she can hear him purring when I am rubbing him. Sometimes she attacks him without evident provocation; I think she wants to be the only cat. Cats do not camouflage their emotions as much as humans do, so you can learn stuff from watching them!

I found the book to be very helpful. The examples of jealous people were amazingly real to me. This is the first time I've ever read about jealousy in such a open way. She included the fact that very few people admit to being jealous, but they don't have to, it's obvious in their behavior. Some examples suggested that jealousy can cause people to lose friends, and I can relate to that. I have no tolerance for jealous behavior. I feel that reading about what makes people become jealous helps me to understand them better.

I agree that we can learn stuff from animals! Maybe hiding our emotions isn't such a bad idea if it means we won't physically attack each other. I just wish it didn't come from the people we call friends.