I have EVERYONE fooled

I went to T and made like everything is OK. I tell BF everything is ok and laugh and smile all the time. I tell work everything is ok, but it's not.

I am really sad...depressed...scared...everything all at once.

I am so scared to let anyone know what's wrong because everyone thinks I am doing soooo good and that I am finally allowing myself to heal, but inside I am so torn up. I cry in my car, I cry in my shower...anywhere no one I know can see me.

I sure hope no one finds out.......

How is your T going to help you if you don't share everything with them? You're doing yourself a disservice, not to mention everybody else, by keeping your feelings to yourself.

Healing takes as long as it takes. There is no yardstick to measure progress with when you're in pain. It's fact, though, that you won't heal if you don't let your T in on what's going on. I strongly encourage you to share with T if no one else.

The most humble display of strength is the admtting of weakness...it shows an acceptance of our humanity and a willingness to change...

Let it go onlymedid and the freedom to be you will be born...

IMHO.

Lenny

Why do you feel the need to be "good" for everyone? Isn't it human to feel sad at times? You are human. 'fess up to your T and let T help you heal before you totally crash from the stress of pretending, and then everyone will know.

I know how it feels, putting on a show gets old though and eventually your emotions can get the best of you. Just be honest with yourself, it's most important.

i can feel the strong will inside you that wants to heal...you are under stress.
just take care and keep us post

I do this, too. I feel a sense of social responsibility not to let others know I'm hurting. I also enjoy being with my therapist (when I have one). I spend so much time feeling blue, laughing wryly with her about the things that are hurting me is a bit of a relief.

I know that what you all say is right...I just have been making everyone happy with letting them think that everything is ok.
Every time I allow myself to show some sort of sadness, everyone worries sooo much. I mean, I can have a bad day without everyone thinking I am going to do something, right???

I really really really DO want to heal, but I feel like if I don't do it fast enough then people will be disappointed in me. Gosh that sounds really sad, doesn't it?

I enjoy my therapist, I think I am just so worried that she is going to want to talk about something too deep if I am sad or depressed, ya know....the whole "what is going on inside? why do you think you are feeling like you need to crawl into a hole?" I KNOW why, but I don't really want to talk about it right now.

I am at my whits end with putting on a show for everyone, but I am so terrified that everyone will not want to be around me or want to talk to me because all I do is complain or all I do is whine or all I do is talk about myself....See, I am doing it here.

Gonna stop now....sorry

BJ

onlymedid >.................. Ya know all that stuff we told ourselves >>> Not matter ,, not matter ,, not matter >............ ??

onlymedid ??? Spose ya found the keeping it bottled up inside ,,,,>>>, Might help ya if ya let it trickle out slowly , stead of waiting for it to explode .

Take Care Friend ..WMD xoxoxox .

Sounds like the first step you should take is learning to not care about the opinions of others, good or bad. If you can learn that, and it'll take time like any healing process, then you can learn to be happier.

Thanks, you are right.....I am trying to keep from telling myself that I don't matter....very hard!

I understand about letting it trickle out because I do explode if I keep too much in too long! That scares me when it happens. *sigh*

I will try to let something out at T. I was thinking last night about how I hold back so much as to avoid talking. Then I remembered that the entire reason FOR therapy is to work through the bad stuff to help me FEEL better and all I am doing is making myself feel worse by locking everything inside.

Also, I am throwing my money out the window if I don't talk....I don't have money to throw away!

BJ

You are SO very right. I really really care what others think of me...I always have. I sure hope I can figure out how NOT to care.

Thanks, I want to be happier!

BJ

OnlyMe, this is just my two cents, but it is possible that you do not have your therapist fooled nearly as much as you think you do. They deal with an awful lot of troubled souls, and they get pretty good at seeing beneath appearances.

If you T asks a question that you do not want to deal with, I doubt that s/he will push you where you don't want to go. Sometimes they have role-playing and other techniques to help free one up.

If you truly believe that you are deliberately hiding things you need to talk about, perhaps, as suggested, you ought to make a little effort. Your T is there to keep you safe, not to push you beyond what you can handle. On the other hand, if being your T and even laughing a little at yourself is comfortable, let yourself off the hook. I'm betting your T knows that you are not there to shoot the breeze and is letting you set your own pace. If you did not need to be there, you would not go.

Take care of yourself.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wants2Fly said:
OnlyMe, this is just my two cents, but it is possible that you do not have your therapist fooled nearly as much as you think you do. They deal with an awful lot of troubled souls, and they get pretty good at seeing beneath appearances.

If you T asks a question that you do not want to deal with, I doubt that s/he will push you where you don't want to go. Sometimes they have role-playing and other techniques to help free one up.

If you truly believe that you are deliberately hiding things you need to talk about, perhaps, as suggested, you ought to make a little effort. Your T is there to keep you safe, not to push you beyond what you can handle. On the other hand, if being your T and even laughing a little at yourself is comfortable, let yourself off the hook. I'm betting your T knows that you are not there to shoot the breeze and is letting you set your own pace. If you did not need to be there, you would not go.

Take care of yourself.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hmmm, I never thought of that...I am sure she can see behind the clouds in my eyes to the heart of what I feel.

I will try really hard to communicate more and allow T to help me. I really like her a lot and I do trust her, though not 100% yet.

Thank you so much...it helps when things are put in a different light to see what is the truth.

I "sometimes" am like that, and it is easier to cry in the car or in the shower, because its just you and yourself in there, so theres nowone to fool.