[vetswife]

I am literally at my breaking point. I feel so stressed out I could scream, but that would just make my head ache worse. I work at home so I’m around my kids 24/7 (ages 11, 4, 3 and let’s not forget the dog). I don’t ever get a break, ever. I never go anywhere; do anything unless it’s with my kids for my kids and for my kids. My husband is disabled and doesn’t help at all, he is capable, but doesn’t, if he’s home he’s in the basement laying down. We have no relationship left (plutonic). I know I shouldn’t be complaining, there are lots of single Moms out there who has it really bad. I feel like I have the worst of both worlds (single and married). I know nobody wants to listen to my complaining, but it makes me feel a little better just being able to write it down and maybe someone would read it and understand. If you read this thanks for listening. I'm going to go scream into a pillow and just deal with my worsening head ache later.

[Christina86]

(((((((((vetswife)))))))))))))))

Do you have any sort of social support network you can turn to for support? Any other family, any friends (or other moms)?

I'm so sorry that things are rough right now, I can't even imagine how hard it must be.

[vetswife]

My whole family lives less then 15 min from me. My sisters all have there own kids. I have anxieties about leaving my kids. I can't ask my Mom she makes me feel guilty for leaving my kids ("I never left you kids with anyone". Sometimes she offers but I know what she's really thinking. I don't have any friends really, I have my family.

[Christina86]

What about hiring a babysitter so you can at least get out once a week or so?

I'm sorry your mother guilts you like that... but the world's changed since previous generations, and staying home all the time has *got* to be hard!

[vetswife]

I don't have money for a babysitter. I don't really trust them with anyone. They are... to put it lightly... a handful. You can't take your eyes off of them. Not that they are bad just very... energetic and into everything (the younger ones, anyway). My four year old is very ornery.

I want to thank you for listening.

[Danialla]

I wish I could help you, but I do know how you feel when it comes to the marriage part......

I always say, that If I have to be lonely, I would rather be alone! My husband and I have no relationship any longer. We do not talk....I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TALK. We have nothing, NOTHING, in common any more

Sorry for the rant...... Anyway, do you have any friends or relatives close by to help with the kids?

Is you husband disabled due to a war injury? Maybe there is a support group you could join. Or a group that would involve you and your husband, that may offer free babysitting at the same time.

What about a story hour at the library, at least there you would see & hopefully talk to other mothers .

Maybe you could look for a mom's group that uses one another for babysitting/playgroup. When my kids were young, we had a group of mothers who would babysit for each other. We kept a log of hours each "member" used and redeemed by sitting for another mom. It was wonderful and we even got together socially as our children got older.

I will offer more suggestions as they come to me, meanwhile take care of yourself too!!! Even if it is a warm bubble bath and maybe a glass of wine at midnight, do something for you!

[vetswife]

Our relationship is... well we co-exist under the same roof. I'm 33 and my romantic life is over, I get depressed over that a lot. It plays with my head, makes me feel ugly and unwanted.

My husband was injured in the war, and medically discharged. After he got out of the military he was in a horrific motor cycle accident that seemed to completely disable him. I feel guilty for that because I gave him the keys to the bike when I had a bad feeling about letting him go.

My oldest son plays sport, I am able to talk to other mothers. I also have three sisters and a brother. They all have small children. We get our children together all the time but that's even more stressful (six of them are between the ages of 2 and 4).

I don't always feel this over whelmed. I feel much better just to be able to vent like this.

[JimWriter]

I've been at my breaking point, too. My situation might be different, (no kids, just three dogs and a cat), but the stresses of life get to me, as well.
Frankly, my T and my other resources, including my spiritual component and this Web site, help me a lot.

[Atredies]

I can understand you...my wife is disabled due to BiPolar and therefor doesn't work. She does help out a lot with the kids however. But even still, I have to do all the working (to bring home money), run the errands, go shopping, get everyone where they need to be, still have time to be with the kids and give her a break from them, as well as deal with everything else. Its get to be very frustrating and feeling like you have to be everywhere else for everyone else and no time for you at all. To top it off and make matters worse then one person you are supposed to be able to turn to for love and support with this (your spouse be it your husband or my wife) has basically turned a cold shoulder to you. My wife and I have not really been more than roommates for sometime. We have our times where we might go for a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months at most where we are getting close to being a couple again, but for the most part it feels like nothing more than roommates. I can understand and sympathize with you. I know this area here has what they call MoMs. Its basicaly a support group for women dealing with this same kinda stuff. Check out your area (this is ran by a church even though you don't need to belong to it or any to be a part) but see if they have something for you like that. It would be nice to have a DaDs group...but I think most ppl in society don't see has having those same issues.

[vetswife]

I wanted to thank everyone for you kind comments. It's nice to know that someone is listening. I feel much better this morning, kids are still sleeping and I can hear my own thoughts again. I know I will be visiting this emotion again, but hopefully not in the near future.

I love my kids to death, I know this time with them will not last forever. I don't like feeling overwhelmed, I want to enjoy my time with them. I feel guilty for those feeling, some people can't have children or lost their children. I really should not be complaining and am sorry for doing so.

Thanks again for your support.

I know you should or want to stick by your husband but would he not go for councilling ? It may help him and you in the long run and of course the children, as it sounds like you have a husband/father in name only.

Disabled or not he can still be a presence in the house if only as an extra voice with the children and some verbal support for you.

[50guy]

Hi vetswife;
I can understand what you are talking about. So many wives of veterans have spoken to me about these same issues. Let me ask, have you taken him to the VA hospital for a readjustment program?
I work at the VA here in Minneapolis, MN and they have a very strong program. The veterans readjustment act is wonderful, with lots of support for him and you. It is possible for him to get some help with
his problems and injuries weather they are service connected or not. I would strongly recommend that you contact the VA hospital closest to you for more information.

Also, would it be possible to contact asocial services support group about pre-school or possible daycare programs for your other children? They can provide a much needed break from your daily schedule with the kids for a couple days a week.
I know NJ has some programs for day care, I used to live there in South NJ, Sicklerville./Williamstown area. I miss it.

Try First call for Help, a Red Cross program. You should be able to get a resource book from them. You don't have to be alone in this. Make the call.

Have a great day,
Eric

[vetswife]

I know we would benefit from counseling and I've tried to talk him into it, but he doesn't believe there is a problem (we haven't slept in the same bed for over a year and he doesn’t think that's a problem). He seems to be okay with the fact that we do not have an intimate relationship. He on the other hand needs more then counseling (I'm not trying to be mean or spiteful). He suffered a really bad head injury, he has some mental issues from that and I believe some PTS from the war. I want nothing more than a normal supportive relationship but it's just not in my cards. When he is around the children, he doesn't know how to handle them, they actually behave worse when he is around. I’ve excepted the fact that this is my reality but once in a while like to daydream about a normal or at least better relationship with him. Say la vie.

I like this site, I’m able to get stuff off of my chest, this in a way is my new way of coping (my therapy).

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((Vetswife)))))))))))) I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I understand to a degree. My husband died active duty and it's hard dealing with everything by self. I can only imagine adding an adult husband child to the mix. We want the best for our children, I do understand that.

Sometimes though, if we don't take that time for us, we aren't going to be able to be there for them. I understand not wanting to leave the children with someone for a couple hours but maybe there are some things you can do at home. Do your younger children go to bed at the same time or take naps? Perhaps you can set up somewhere in your house, even just a corner in a room with a comfy chair, some nice candles, books, whatever you find soothing. Maybe you can talk to your older children about certain times when mom just needs some down time.

Your 11 year olds might not totally understand but maybe be firm and maybe even have a calendar so they know what day you are going to take some time. You could put on the calendar, one day a week in the evening (or whenever you think would be best- even if not completely ideal). You can even put the time on the calendar and explain to them that mom really needs this time so she can be a better mom. Let them know that you are available to them at any other time, but on this calendar day, between these times (It could be an hour or whatever you can do. Even 15 min of quiet time helps), they need to stay in their rooms and play quietly or lie on their bed and read a book, etc. It might be a struggle at first, but they will get so they understand and will comply.

This will help not only you, but it will show your children some boundaries at the same time and all done in a loving way. They will learn how to take time outs themselves so they can better cope too.

The one thing I have finally learned is that I can say all I want that my children need to take time to do self care, but if they don't see me doing it, they aren't going to either.

I don't know if this will work or not, but maybe worth a try? Hope I didn't step on any toes. I just understand that overwhelming feeling with no solutions in sight. Please keep us posted and good luck. You're a good mom and it's obvious that you love and want the best for your children.

[vetswife]

Thank you, I don't feel like a good Mom because I feel this. I think that this is what we were born to do, why do I feel overwhelmed, women have been doing this since the beginning of time, I'm supposed to be able to handle this. Again I don't always feel this overwhelmingness all the time, it just gets me once in a while. I'm going to have to get a better sleep schedule for them, I know that would make things so much better. But everytime I try to make them go to bed, my husband can't stand the crying and lets them out. They wind up staying up till I fall asleep. I know this is not good and I have to get a handle on that. You all must think I'm an idiot for alowing it to go on this way, but I don't know how to make them stay in their beds expecially when my husband is fighting me on this. (My 11 year old he has a bed time).

I use to take long drives, to the shore or mountains, it clear my mind. It was the one place that my kids were confined and good and most of the time would sleep. If I ever was feeling stressed that's what I would do go for a nice long drive. Now that gas cost so much I don't have that escape anymore.

Wantoheal, I'm so sorry you lost your husband that way, it must have been terrible. It's stories like that, that makes me feel like an ***** for complaining.

Thanks again for the great ideas.

[Doh2007]

vetswife, being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. It really does help just to be able to vent once in a while. It's the most normal thing in the world to sometimes have negative feelings towards people you would also be willing to die for. Sometimes the frustration can be almost overwhelming. Best thoughts and wishes are being sent your way.

[BalishBun]

hey there, at least you have a place to vent or get out some of those trapped feelings. Dont we all love PC?

[AAAAA]

(((((vetswife))))) I don’t have any answers for you, and I understand how you feel. But just because you need a break from your kids every now and then to recharge does not make you a bad mother, it makes you human. And I’ll be that you’re getting on their nerves as well which might be why they’re acting up.

Do tap into the resources that are (should be) out there for you. Social services in this area offers a service that brings a person in or pays for a few hours a week of free time for mom. Talk to the Red Cross, if they don’t offer a service for you they’ll know who can help you. Reach out to a church or Goodwill, St. Vinny’s or a similar private social services. Look at the Y, are there programs there for the kids? They can learn to swim while you take a long hot bath. Check into subsidized child care. You don’t have to put your kids in there every day all day, but once or twice a week just to get things back under the crisis level. You’re getting burnt out and that’s not helping anyone.

[vetswife]

Thank you. I do have a lifetime gym membership that offers babysitting but I feel so guilty when they are crying for me, that I can't enjoy my workout. I haven't tried going in about a year, I think I'm going to give it a shot again. My four year old will be starting pre-school in September, then it will just be me and my daughter for a few hours a day. I'm looking into a gymnastics class for her to take once a week while the boys are in school. With all this running around, I'm going to have to be very organized with how I'm going to get my work done!

Thanks again!

[AAAAA]

Please keep us updated on how it's going.

[agony007]

no need to be sorry. everyone needs to vent once in a while. is your husband unable to care for the children or is it that he will not do it? if he is physically able to care for them for periods at a time, i would leave the house and have him take care of the kids for a change. i know what it is to work from home and care for the kids. i did it for 6 years. it can be very overwhelming and we all need a break from time to time. if he is able to watch the children, i wouldn't even ask him, i would just tell him,"hey i am going out for a while, see ya later". hope everything works out for you.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Vets Wife -- I see it's been a few days since you posted. How are things going?