[jbug]

A few months ago my mom went to a therapy session with me. In that therapy session my therapist helped me set up a boundary that said my parents weren't supposed to come inspect my apartment for cleanliness anymore as it is my responsibility to keep it clean according to my landlord's rules. My mom violated that boundary last week and I told my therapist about it and she helped me gather the strength to confront my mom about it.

Well I did today and now I'm getting the repercussions of it. My mom is acting like a wounded child. I feel bad because I feel guilty for making her feel bad. But it was my boundary and she crossed it so how do I make myself not feel bad for her not taking it well?

Btw yes I am a people pleaser.


Jbug

[bebop]

hon I have no idea. I too am a people pleaser. but it is your responsibility. I am sure your mother means well though and wants you to have a nice clean place to live. all our mothers want that for us. well mine only came to my house one time in my adult life. go figure

[jbug]

The funny thing is my house isn't messy but much standards. Yes the bed isn't made and the clothes aren't always folded right away but there isn't any food left out and the trash is always taken out. I always vacuum and I don't always dust but if I'm having company I do clean.

So if I don't care why should she?

Jbug

[kimmydawn]

You ask a good question...if you don't care, why should she?

It's hard for parents to mind the boundaries of their adult children. It just is. I'm in that position now with my youngest having been so needy for so long.

The bottom line, sweetie, is that she has to own her own stuff and you yours. Give her time to heal and learn...learn how to own her own stuff.

You didn't do anything wrong, and if she's hurting, it's due to "her own stuff". Love her through it, but maintain that boundary, hon.

Love,

KD

[Angel_of_the_Past]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:

You didn't do anything wrong, and if she's hurting, it's due to "her own stuff". Love her through it, but maintain that boundary, hon.

Love,

KD

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree with KD, as a parent it's hard not to meddle in our children's lives, but that's our issue. My kids used to drive me crazy (as if I needed any help) with their rooms. Finally I got to the point I just kept the door to their rooms closed. If someone came over and wanted to tour the house, I just calmly told them that is ****'s room and kept walking.

This too will pass, please maintain that boundary, but love your Mom.
Angel

[seeker1950]

Yes, Jbug, I know all about it! When my daughter was growing up, her room was a disaster. You couldn't open the closet door in fear of an avalanche of stuff! One time, trying to clean the closet, I encountered worms coming out of old chestnuts in the bottom of the closet! Old food sitting in the windows. She wouldn't do a thing to pick up after herself, and hubby was no help in enforcing any kind of rules, so I finally just kept the door shut, as others have said here!

I agree with KD and others here. This is your space, and your mom needs to let you take care of it as you see fit.
Patty

I used to have a simlar problem with my mum, I spoke to my cousin about it as her mum is the same but she wont put up with it, my cousin said .......

Do as you please and let her sulk, if you speak to her talk about other things if she brings it up say, mum I this is the way I feel I am sorry you are having a hard time coping with that but thats the way it is, she will sulk again like a child just let her she will get over it.

I did it and it got better each time now a few years down the line my mum says oh you will do what you want any way ! And actualy likes it in a weird way, however she still behaves that way with my siblings lmao.

[jbug]

In a way I am jealous of my sister because she is an ocean away and can't have my mom meddling in her matters. My mom only gets to see her life through emails. I am wish I wasn't so close to my parents but due to some choices I have made in my life I need to be close to them because I am not able to handle some things in my life and need them to handle them for me but I still hate that they are sooooooo involved in my life.

Jbug

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jbug said:
she helped me gather the strength to confront my mom about it.

Well I did today and now I'm getting the repercussions of it. My mom is acting like a wounded child. I feel bad because I feel guilty for making her feel bad.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Jbug, yeah, all of this is part of the process of putting up that boundary. You didn't make her feel bad. She chose to react this way. What you did was healthy.

[jbug]

Thanks guys for your responses. I emailed my T yesterday after speaking with my mom and she emailed me back today. I see my T today so now I know what part of the topic of therapy will be. I'm glad I have therapy today. I'm also glad I only have to communicate with my mom via the phone today and that my dad will be in the room so she will have to talk to me or he will know something is up and she won't want that. She also is a people pleaser and doesn't like to rock the boat when it comes to my dad.

Jbug

[Doh2007]

Did you do it to hurt her? That's the litmus test.

My mother doesn't respect my boundaries, so I have to use anger when I need her to hear me. The world is a very scary place to her. I have to reassure her a lot that I love and appreciate her. That seems to help.

[jbug]

No I didn't do it to hurt her I did it because its time for her to realize its my life not hers.

Jbug

[wanttoheal]

It sounds like you are handling it really well jbug. I'm glad you have your T to help you sort through it all and help you to be able to make and keep those boundaries. Good job on that.

[jbug]

Thanks!

My mom must be over it. She invited me to go shopping with her on Monday. She is going to come pick me up and we are going to go to Target in Fayetteville and stop by the local scrapbook store so I can see one of the worker's hair because I am wanting to cut my hair and mom thinks I will like her haircut.

I think my parents are finally starting to realize that I have some rules that they need to respect.

Jbug

[Wants2Fly]

Jbug, you are ahead of the game by confronting your mom so early in life. I was in my 50s before I did so.

My t helped me find things to say. The first time I told my mother that her criticism was not helpful, she hung up on me. Eventually, she called back. My t also taught me to give positive reinforcement when she is supportive by telling her how much I appreciate all her support.

Both we and our parents can be retrained. It takes time, patience, and commitment to do it.

Best wishes Jbug. I really believe your parents will eventually learn to respect your boundaries.