Unable to connect

I am not sure where this belongs, but this category seemed the most logical.

All of my life I seemed to be unable to relate to people. It is like a invisible wall that I have with those around me. I have had only a couple of close friends and last year I had my only two real life long friends renounce me based on some trival sh**t that was not my fault (its a story that is far too long for a post) When I go to parties or events I always end up in some corner alone. People will talk to me out of politeness, but no one is genuinley interested in what I have to say.

I try hard to be witty, clever etc.. but it always seems to fall flat. No one ever gets me. I simply was born without charisma and charm. I try hard to be an active listener, asking people relevant questions about themselves and their interests. I try not to talk about myself, because I have been told in the past that was the root of my problems with people.

Even here I try to positive and helpful but no one seems to care about anything I have to say. I try chatting on here from time to time but very few people will ever engage me for more than a couple of seconds.

I wish I understood what was about me that put people off. I hate feeling alienated all the time. I have to attend on of my wife's coworker's wedding in a month and I am dreading the event. Even at family get togethers people do not really talk to me beyond "hi, how are you?'

Lately this is making me rather depressed. I just wish I could be a real part of some community but I never feel like I am, just an out cast... This is not a knock on anyone here at all by the way. I do not believe anyone here has deliberatly been cruel or mean to me here in anyway.

I guess I am just a very dull and uninteresting person, whose presence is simply tolerated.

sorry for the long post, just trying to get this out there

Thanks TJ

Say what?

Seriously, I suspect many people here have similar problems. In my estimation a great many people are uncomfortable with someone they perceive as "different" (and therefore threatening).

Timgt5,

I read what you wrote, and my heart goes out to you- I love that you talk about others, not yourself, very few people try hard not to do that, you sound selfless!! Very few people get me, either, until, I joined the depression bipolar support alliance dbsalliance.org click on find support to find a meeting near you....I found some eccentric friends there, almost as eccentric as I am that is, and I even started to fit in, with their friends, and started to find myself fitting in everywhere, eventually, I started to become more like others, especially in my confidence level....it's quite high, now What I'm saying is that _I_ care about what you say, PM me, Timgt5, and let's talk

((((TJ)))) I want you to know that I do not find you to be dull at all, I think you are an interesting person with a super talent for writing... I have enjoyed reading many a post by you...

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Timgt5 said:

I guess I am just a very dull and uninteresting person, whose presence is simply tolerated.


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I find you very interesting Tim..I read all your posts and find them to be honest expressions of feelings. That is far more rare than most would think.

As far as feeling uncomfortable in some social situations...please know that you are not alone. It is difficult for most folks to meet and be comfortable with new people. But know that your value is not measured by how quickly you "fit in" but how genuine you are when you do...

Lenny

Ya, me too. I think what others suggest is more helpful -- I didn't find your post uninteresting at all. It was well-written and evoked my empathy -- and pain. Hugs and hugs.

(((SW))) Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate the compliments!!

TJ

Wise words as always, thank you Lenny, you have always been both a scholar and a gentleman!

I will try to keep that last part you said there in mind, thanks for the encouragment and reading my posts

TJ

Thats one of the reasons I posted this, I wanted to see if maybe others have struggled with this and have found the right balance, thank you

(((Wants to Fly)))

Thank you for your kindness and understanding!

TJ

Hi Tim,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

One sentence you said touched me :

" I try not to talk about myself, because I have been told in the past that was the root of my problems with people. "

I wonder why people have said that to you? It's funny because people told me the opposit. Some people told me if I don't talk at least a bit about myself people will think that I do not trust them, therefor, I come as if I am not trustable either.

((((((((((((((Tim))))))))))))))

Thanks (((JG)))

When I was younger people told me that I came off as self centered, so I tried to focus on others.

TJ

I find it hard to open up and only trust a few people really. I like you... for what its worth

Some words in the previous posts struck me:

<font color="#000088">"I try not to talk about myself, because I have been told in the past that was the root of my problems with people.

I wonder why people have said that to you? It's funny because people told me the opposite. Some people told me if I don't talk at least a bit about myself people will think that I do not trust them, therefor, I come as if I am not trustable either." </font>

I teach communication at college level; yet I amalways challenged to make the connection, as pointed out.

Let's call "talking about myself" self-disclosure, because I think that will help clarify the difference between establish ing trust with another person and self-absorption.

Establishing a bond with another person has been compared with peeling away the layers of an onion. We reveal our sweet, inner center, that is so tender and subject to bruising, slowly. The whole process proceeds by turn-taking. I tell you a little about myself that doesn't show my vulnerabilities -- I like baseball, love pizza, hate sushi. You reveal a bit about yourself -- also like baseball, not too fond of pizza, love sushi.

Gradually, I risk a little more. I'm a bleeding-heart liberal. Can you accept that? If you are a fiscal conservative, and we hold our political convictions dearly, perhaps the friendship is not going to progress beyond this.

Little by little, we discover whether we have enough in common to continue down the path of friendship.

Some people over-disclose. I've had students, for example, who trust me with long stories about their dysfunctional family situations. I'm never sure just what to do. I empathize as a human being, but often these problems do not excuse them from meeting course deadlines and so forth. I am not qualified to counsel students and could, in fact, get in trouble for psychological counseling without a license. I've also heard a lot of stories about people, especially in work places, who do not want to hear so many intimate details about a coworker's personal life. It makes them uncomfortable.

My problems start at the beginning of a relationship: I have trouble getting out of my home, finding groups of like-minded people, sticking out my hand, and saying, "Hi, there, I'm Wants2Fly, glad to meet you. So what do you think about how that team is doing?" or whatever.

For all of us, navigating the waters of self-disclosure is tricky. We have to give back enough to earn trust, but not over disclose too much too soon so that the other person feels uncomfortable.

I wish it were as easy for me to practice people skills as it is for me to summarize the textbook teachings.

Thank you Fuzzy! I like U 2

TJ

Thank you for you great insights!

I will try to keep all this in mind going forward, this has been helpful and very supportive

Take care

TJ

Tim, your posts here have always impressed me...You write very well, first of all, and you always respond with insights that are unique and informative.
Wants2fly had great insight into this whole matter. She said....
"For all of us, navigating the waters of self-disclosure is tricky. We have to give back enough to earn trust, but not over disclose too much too soon so that the other person feels uncomfortable. "
That's so true, isn't it!
I have acquaintances who, all they do...no matter what the subject...is talk about themselves. These are mainly coworkers at my school. People just tolerate them for the most part, but still behave politely. On the other hand, I have learned that to try to engage in any kind of "meaningful" conversation with most of my acquaintances ends in my feeling foolish and too "self-disclosing." So...over many years of conditioning to this, I've learned to keep the conversations light, brief, and go about my business.
With the few close friends I have, I can engage in conversations without feeling self-conscious, but otherwise I keep the walls up.
The forum here is one of those places where I feel free to post comments and initiallize subjects which would be too risky in my daily life.
Patty

Sometimes i feel misunderstood too. I have a disability so sometimes i feel as though people look at me differently. *hug*

Stay strong, and find new ways to solve your problems People respect you for trying.

Thank you Patty!

I enjoy your posts as well, I think you come up with a lot of interesting and thought provoking questions

I agree with you about this special place, called Pysch Central, I am more comfortable here than anywhere else when it comes to posting ideas

TJ

thank you (((Sophia))), I appreciate your insights!

take care

TJ

(((((((((((((((((((((Tim))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You're far too hard on yourself sweetie. Your writing is awesome and you are one of the most caring people..... I find your posts interesting and intelligent.

You are very well thought of here. Sending big hugs your way and know you are loved


Jin xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

(((jinnyann)))

Thank you, you are so sweet

TJ