[emoangel]

Well, i promised myself that I would keep you all up to date on how things are going through this break up of mine.

Right now its incredibly hard, 2 years is a long time to spend with someone, and now that i am out of the relationship, i find myself participating in behaviors that aren't really typical of me. I feel like I've lost all control of who i am or what i do, even though i know this is not the case. I'm incredibly lonely and all i really want is someone to hold me, but at the same time i feel like I am simply trying to replace my ex somehow. I still love him very much, and even cuddling with another guy so soon makes me feel guilty, but the loneliness is so overwhelming its hard not to indulge.

Thinking i could do this with no problem, i went to my best guy friends house, he happens to be going through the same thing with his girlfriend right now, but instead of just keeping each other company and cuddling, he grabbed me three times, and i had to keep telling him to stop all night. It makes me angry, and it triggers a lot of things from my past that still aren't comfortable for me.

my next blunder was just getting way too drunk for my own good around someone else who has feelings for me, that was just a mess at first, but things turned out okay, and i even think we are possibly even closer than we were before.

My huge problem at this point is guilt. I feel like even cuddling is so disrespectful to my ex at this point. Some of my friends have said that its just me trying to reassert the fact that I'm single and to reassert my sexuality, because one can only mature so much when they are committed to their first and (up to this point) only partner for over two years.

I'm young, I'm only 20 and i know i shouldn't be worrying so much about all of this, but the fact is, that being lonely is so hard for me, its so different, and its so uncomfortable. I feel like a huge chunk of my identity has been taken from me, and I'm totally lost. I don't know what to do with myself. It seems like the harder i try to keep control, i end up messing up, and i really don't want to do that, i don't want to put myself in possibly dangerous situations. Who would?

I'm so lost all...

thats whats going on at the moment. Incredible loneliness...attacks of guilt, and a lot of pain.

*hugs teddy bear*

emo

[shakes]

Emoangel,
I can understand how it is when you break up with someone. The last time that I had a huge break up my life kinda fell apart. I did things that I was not proud of. I guess my loneliness just got the best of me and I tried to stop it anyway that I could.
The only advice that I can give is to take care of yourself. Try to think about if what you are doing is going to help with your loneliness or make it worse.
We are here for you. I know that what you are going through must really hurt. For that I am sorry.

Jessica

[shaddix]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel like I've lost all control of who i am or what i do, even though i know this is not the case.
I feel like a huge chunk of my identity has been taken from me, and I'm totally lost.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sad~ I experienced the same thing about a year ago, I have learned since to make sure I have a separate concept of myself and who I am completely independent of the other person, and then also to have a concept of "us" being I and my significant other.

Try reading up on this website www.joy2meu.com

I find most everything the website says helped me to get to where I can have separate identities, I somewhat have incorporated what it says in understanding my religion.

I still struggle with trying to keep myself from being too involved with the other person's life so as to keep myself from feeling like I have lost a part of myself in the case that we are to break up. Only move that close to someone when you have a long term commitment, but even then, maintain that separate identity, make sure your life is not going to change dramatically if your other is to leave you somehow.

Sorry this post turned into a huge advice thing, but I understand what you're going through and I found no relief and solace except drugs... So believe me, if cuddling can get you past the initial hump, do so by all means.

But I find the only way I can continue to be healthy in this way is through God.

Hope you get well soon, <3s

[emoangel]

I started looking at that website you gave me, and i am already having some hope. I realize that this time in which I am going to take to be alone, is the time i need, to figure out who i am, why i am the way i am, and to change things that i want to change, and to become comfortable with myself. I appreciate your response, its good to know people care.

xo

emo

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Emoangel --

Breaking up is hard, at any age, after almost any length of time. There is no doubt that questions of identity enter into it. There are all kinds of compromises we make to be in a relationship, and little by little these change who we started out being.

Being on one's again forces one to reflect on who one wants to be, which is perhaps not the person one was before the relationship nor the person one was when in the relationship.

The loneliness is especially difficult. I do think that part was worse for me when I was young. In middle age, I've grown to accept that I am a person who likes to spend a lot of time alone. The problem can be finding a partner who respects that.

Thank you for sharing your deep feelings about this.