[WantsSomsTruth]

I really don't know want is wrong with me. I'm a young boy who wanted a girlfriend, but decided to not focus on it, afterall, I do have time to find a lover and all that. But today was my first day of school and being a junior in high school. After school, I wanted a girlfriend, and then I start doing the same thing that made me try to forget dating in the first place;

Thinking about things that I don't like.

Like how I can't get a girlfriend in the first place, I've only had one girlfriend and it ended because her parents didn't want us dating.

Or how the girls in school don't act reasonable, some do, but others are just stupid. Doing drugs and drinking other stupid crap.

Or how I was treated in the past. Like getting called ulgy and just being mistreated by people I thought were my friends. Or girls acted stupid just because I told then how I felt about them, they acted like dating me is eating rat poison or something. Things have changed, I don't get treated like that much anymore, but it's still having some affect on me to this day. It affect isn't as strong as a few years ago, but still lingers.

Then I start feeling really bad, like dating is something that I won't do much since I keep on thinking toxic and self-defeating thoughts. So I've got little hope, and I want to live without basically performing mental suicide for something I can survive without. As much I would love to have a lover and all that, I don't need one. But I really don't know why I want a lover so much outside of the, "I want someone to share my life with" type of reason.

It is my goal to eventually have a family and all that, but I just want a break from dating or even thinking about it too much. Because I do want to be happy, and that itself is more than some fake teen love that I'd be stuck with now. And thinking about dating is just hurting me. Since there's few teens who are serious about dating (at least, in my opinion) there seems to be no point in trying to find love and that stuff. At least at this age.

I need help with something, but I don't know where to start or to end or whatever. Should I really ingrone something that I'm being told deep down (Like find love)? Even if it means that not listening means I can be happy? If I do listen, how do I continue having hope. I usually am a guy who thinks positive (Even to the point of annoying the crap out of people around him) but dating is something I have doubts on. Is this desire for a lover just some way for me to compensate for something else I lack in life? Do I have some inferoity/supioerity complex? Maybe I'm not as mature as I think I am? Maybe I'm making this problem bigger than what it is?

Those are some questions I ask myself, but I as of now, I'm confused and want some peaceful thoughts. I am tired of my head being full of rather depressing thoughts. I've been writing my thoughts down in a jounral, it helps, but it must not alot if I'm still getting upset when I think about dating and what I remember and feel about it. So, what is you thoughts on this? Where should I start?

[SpottedOwl]

Hello, and welcome WantsSomeTruth!!!

I am quite impressed by your post, because I can see a person who really thinks about things, and is trying hard to make good decisions.

I'm not sure if it will help, but I barely dated in high school. Instead I focused on my studies, friends, and extra-curricular activities. Once I got to college, things changed, and I did start to date.

I am happy with the choices I made, and I don't regret waiting to seriously date.

IMHO, it takes two whole people to make a healthy relationship. What you are doing right now -- focusing on yourself -- is the most important thing you can do.

I have faith that when the time is right, and the person is right you will date. Try to be kind to yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting for the right time/person.

[thelostone]

at your age focus on other things, school, friends, extracurricular activities. be friends with girls, don't look for someone to date. when you find the ones who are mature enough to be friends with, the rest will follow naturally when you find the right one. the best relationships though are firmly based in friendship.

lost

[WantsSomsTruth]

I'll agree with you that I need to not focus on dating, that's my problem. I want to forget about it for awhile, but I keep thinking about dating because I desire to have a lover. And I've been wondering why do I want a lover so badly, when I don't have to have a lover in my life. And I was curious, is it maybe I'm missing something, so I search for love in the feeble hope of being whole. But I know that love doesn't make you whole, at least the romantic love doesn't.

Like I said, I don't know where to begin to conquer my hopeless and this need to date.

[thelostone]

much of your desire for a lover is probably hormonal. at your age your body is telling you that it is time to take a mate. there is also a desire not to be alone, everyone wants to have a person to share their life with. that is why i say look for friends. in finding female friends eventually you will find someone who will be there even after the shine has worn off of the sexual side of the relationship. good luck.

lost

[WantsSomsTruth]

That is true, and since I'm not dating anybody, I can work on whatever is bugging me, like self-esteem stuff. I can work on my happiness, so I'm not some sad sap who'd marry anyone who's just a girl and has a pulse. So, I guess, I'll go and work on myself! That way, I can make friends and all that! Not that it was hard to make friends in the first place.

I'm gone now, I guess my problem is answered.

Thanks.

[bonaire]

I'm 44 now, but remember high school like it was yesterday. I was the youngest in my class - graduated HS at 16 (turned 17 that July). I didn't date until I was in college. Felt out of place thinking of dating girls 1-2 years older than me in my class. Also, had family issues - really lack of family support in social areas. Raised by a mom (adoptive) who wanted me to have good grades and not waste time with stuff like dating. So, I get into college and end up with a high-school girlfriend that year who was 3 years younger than me. She was great - but I did things all the wrong way.

Fast forward to oh, 2 weeks ago. Took my family and 2 kids on a trip back to my hometown. We ended up at a hotel for one night that was near my first girlfriend's house. Freaky thing happened - I see her mother in the pool working out while my kids are also in the pool. I was debating to myself whether I should say something to her but I chickened out. After dating her daughter for 3-years and all we went through - I was just not wanting to bring back old memories.

Anyway - back to your issue. There is tons of "peer pressure" to date in high school. I think that's crazy. Yeah - hormones get people all worked up and everyone wants to get into dating young. Even my son seems to be interested and had an "online girlfriend" this year (he was 12). But from my experience dating through college and after - I think I was ready for dating when I reached, oh, about 25. Before that, I realize that I should have just made more friends with women and kept myself more focused on getting ready for a career. Still made out well - went to college, etc. But I know that if I had dated in high school and changed my path earler in life, I think I may have done worse in school and ended up with kids too early in life. Getting married at 30 was probably one of the smarter things I've done in my life.

Go easy on yourself. You deserve to find out just who *you* are - you aren't defined by who you are with. And, when you do find someone, don't let them take away your self-worth or identity. Be true to yourself with or without someone. Get an interesting hobby to put your efforts into.

[WantsSomsTruth]

Today, it was easier to forget about getting a girlfriend!

Things are getting easier now for me, and I am feeling WAY better and I'm similing like crazy! (Which could be because I keep thinking about stuff that I think is really funny instead of sad stuff like what I've mentioned before.) And while I'm not actually looking for anybody, at least my now somewhat chronic( in a playful sense) similing will attract female and male friends! So now I'm basically setting myself up for success.

Plus, I've gotten a strong boost in self esteem/self confindence, when one of my close female friends explained that I got a face of innocents (sorry bad spelling skills) and like always with any comment directed at me, I took in personally, and I feel even better about how I look. I feel powerful.

I guess I really needed some people to listen, so thanks to this rather useful forum. If I need an ear, I'll be back. (Don't worry, I won't cut anyone's ear off, just to save any confusion)

[thelostone]

good job. go out there and smile and make friends and enjoy being a kid. you only get to do it once.

lost

[sabby]

That's awesome Truth!!

The mind is a powerful force to be reckoned with. It does amazing things for us! It sounds to me like you are able to do some good self talk, self motivation etc. Keep up the great work and I wish you tons of happiness and success!


sabby