Reconnecting with an Old Flame

I recently had occasion to call on an ex of mine. It's been 20 years since we have dated. He's even been married and divorced. I am planning a move to his area within the next year (this is how we ran into one another).

We got to talking and I told him why I stopped seeing him. It was because we were having a conversation about feelings and he made the comment that he didn't like to talk about feelings. One one hand I figured it was good to break up because I don't see how 2 people can work together through a relationship without discussing feelings (even if they don't like it).

On the other hand, we are much older and wiser. I was thinking that maybe we could reconnect and I feel so ackward about it because I haven't dated in years. I did ask him why he divorced and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I thought that was fair since we hadn't really reconnected.

We are emailing and sometimes talking at night. I didn't realize I still had feelings for this man all burried deep down inside me.

I'll be in his area again in a few weeks and we may or may not have the time to meet but I'm feeling pretty unsure about things.

Since I last saw him he's built his own law firm, bought a house, etc. These things don't matter to me. What matters to me is happiness.

Should I pursue this until I'm sure it will or won't work?

Advise anyone?

I wish I had some advice to you offer you, but I am struggling with very similar situation right now and I'm not doing very well. I wish you wisdom, peace and good luck, though!

Talk with him, visit with him, get to know him again. Be friends first. Only then you'll know the direction to take, if it's meant to be then it will happen naturally. What is the worst that can happen going that route? Even if you don't become a couple again, you might find a good friend. That is far better than wondering.

20 years is a long time... But, the conversation about feelings back then either is still there or he has "found himself" and that may have gone far far away. Look to maybe have a dinner together (drive separate cars) and see how well your lives have gone. Could possibly be something there.

I'm a married guy but would really love to find out what my first real girlfriend has done with her life (about 20 years for me too). I just happened to see her mom last month on a family vacation to her home town. That was a bit strange.

I agree, meet with him and talk and get to know him again. He could have changed, or not. My experience was he had not changed, however, your experience I hope is different. Listen, really listen because ultimately, people show and tell you who they are...we just don't listen!

TJ

I'm not reconnecting with my old flame.

Got my blood test results back yesterday and found my blood lithium levels were at .3 (1 being the optimum) so I have been like going through hypomania like crazy. I'm increasing the lithium dosage. It will take a while I'm sure, but the sooner I start, the better. Had to call my doc on that one so I wouldn't have to wait until my next appointment.

I really don't think that I would have contacted my old flame had I not been going through some kind of mania...when I met him, he was a little, arrogant, bastard who just so happens to have grown into a big arrogant bastard. Bless his next love interest. At least it won't be me.

I just wanted to thank you all for being here and reading and caring.

I'll keep posting.

Wish I had the right answer for you but alas, I don't. I reconnected with my old high school sweetheart back in 2000, after maybe 25 years. Even left a wife to be with her. What a disaster. It lasted only 2 years. Then we reconnected again in 2006. Another disaster lasting a year and a half this time.

Since we first met way back when, I thought she was my soul mate, and still do. But over the years, she did her thing and I did mine. Hers being the traditional wife and mother to 4 kids, as well as being a secretary. And me? I pursued the life of a tattoo artist/biker.

Boiled down to her and I just being too different (her opinion), and her not wanting to compromise on our differences (my opinion). In her heart, she said she still loved me but the "lovin feeling" was gone.

Would I recommend reuniting for you? I guess that depends on the current situation for both of you. How does he feel about it? You gotta remember that you separated for a reason. And that reason probably still exists.

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it. Think I'll learn from other's experiences and not meet with him. Our coversations started taking on a dark tone...sexual and well, as a child survivor of molestations, coversations involving cameras and sex just make me wanna barf.

I've done enough therapy work to know I don't have to "work" to get someone to love me, just be myself. I think many women have turned themselves into emotional prezels to be with this man and wound up as dried up emotional stale bread.

As tempting and fresh and gentle and easygoing as he use to be, those things are no longer there...perhaps he's been litigating in the courtroom too long, who knows, but I know as much pull as he has on me, he is not for me. I'm a warrior so I can fight that pull.

Wrote him a note that I won't be contacting him anymore. He seems to be happy about that...not a peep out of him.

Thanks for the feedback.

PS: I'm an animal lover and you sure do have one nice sheppard there biker man!

oh dang - i'm only 20 but i've tried for three years to "reconnect" with someone... and i keep getting these "bursts of feelings" for him every year and every time we try to talk again, it just doesn't work out.

and now - he broke up with a gf in mid-august, i tried to rekindle our friendship [then my current partner found out and i stopped], and the other day i found that he has a new gf already.

it's exactly like it was three years ago. he hasn't changed A BIT. hahahaha. oh well. guess i was a fool for thinking he'd grown up..

it really depends on the person, sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't.

basically, i believe that if there really was a problem before, that problem is going to be there years after. unless they went to therapy or hardly worked on self-improvement. (hehe, my favourite cure for everything)

if they don't know it's a problem, it's not gonna be a problem.

hope you get your bipolar stuff sorted out (((NF))). best of luck!

I had someone tell me once that 'An Ex is an Ex for a reason!'

I always liked to think that i was emotionally mature enough to deal with an Ex in a mature way, and possibly even still be friends with an Ex.

But it takes 2 to make this work....and you cant control how the other person will be. Unfortunately, in trying to keep in touch with exes on the basis of staying friends, they thought they could fall back in the pattern of talking about our sexual experiences (as in...wanting it again).

I know this is a little off the track of your post, but i think i've come to believe that you just cant go back. I think Exes are just that for a reason (generally speaking) and sometimes the past is better left in the past.

You will choose what you believe is the best for you in the moment, but weigh this up carefully before you put yourself in the position of having to make that choice on the spur of the moment.

good luck with it



Meggles

Since you're moving in his area, I think there is no way that you can avoid or meet him so you just have to face what happens. I think you have decided already not to reconnect with him based on what has been going on in your conversations. I think you have a good decision. Good luck to you and you may find your own happiness.

I had dated a man for 3 years and had a child with him. He wasn't a very nice guy.

8 years pass and we decided to try again. It was the worst move I could have ever made.

I'm not saying everyones reconnection will end like mine but I am saying to remember why you broke-up with him in the first place.

My 2 cents