how to make yourself feel/be 'enough'?

i thought opening up was a good thing. this thing had bothered me for weeks:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=74975

last night i told him i saw the beginning of that e-mail. and it turned out that she actually meant, "don't forget the fun we had when we met". he said he was confused himself when he first read it, and had to ask a friend of his (who speaks japanese quite fluently) what it meant.

ok. that is a good thing.

i also told him that i'm convinced that when he's on the computer he's talking to some asian beauty, and when he has enough money he'll leave me for her.

then he said he thinks there are beautiful women from white to black.

he didn't say that he's not gonna leave me. he didn't say that i'm beautiful. i need constant reassuring and still i don't believe.

ok - he has said i'm beautiful. but he was on drugs and when he had said it he started laughing.



this made me feel even worse. now i'm going to feel bad every time i see a beautiful woman because i´ll know he'll think she's beautiful.

i'm not.

anyone who's more beautiful than me will be better for him. heck, even that girl we met at one rave, who was wearing a speedcore shirt like him - i thought she should be with him rather than me - though she wasn't very attractive - severe acne, masculine face... but she knew his music, she appreciated it (though i do too - but i think she did in a very different way, she appreciated it much more than me). she would have been much better for him than me.

i'm not enough for him. i'm sometimes very mean to him - i think that's because of the PTSD. the abuse. i want to be with him, i want to trust him, i want everything possible but i can't....

-slumps back in chair-

i feel so broken..

twilight (she never stops complaining huh?)

nvm, i started feeling better a few hours after i posted that.

twilite

You may be feeling better, but do you feel like you are enough? I have never felt like I was enough and because of that I cannot tell you how to make yourself feel like enough. But as someone suggested to me it begins with loving yourself first. I think that means that when you love yourself, you begin to put yourself first. You begin to respect yourself, to set boundaries for yourself, and take care of yourself as if you were your best friend! That being said, I think that means not allowing someone to take advantage or you, and not allowing what other people think of you define who you are! Wow, I can't believe that came out of my mouth because those are exactly things that I need to do... I think that is self love knowing that you are good enough no matter what anyone else says or believes...

We now have work to do...

TJ

((((TJ))))

yes, and very hard work too! no, i do not feel "enough", but i don't feel bad about it. he can tell me i'm just enough for him and i'll believe him for maybe.. two days? and start feeling like crap again.

i thought it was some thing i could work on when i get to go to psychotherapy. but now i figured i could go to check out ebay for some self-improvement books on that subject. around here such sources are scarce. even the library is pathetic =)

thanks for saying that. it's all gloriously true, too. i knew it, but i always forget it.

it's weird how we know what the problem is, but don't always know how to work on it. argh. the joys of being human!

hugs,
twilight

Hey Twilight, It was actually a lightbulb moment for me! You're exactly right, I have no clue on how to work on those things...self esteem building is probably where it begins...

I hope we both find the answers that we are looking for!

TJ

I think the secret lies in that we need to feel enough for ourselves first.

I've found that I can become dependent on others in some ways but very independent in many other ways. My T said a long time ago that I would die first before I would take care of myself. Boy, did she miss that one! LOL

Now I know that I am "enough" for myself; enough financially, enough in my physical needs, enough (with God's help) emotionally and enough in the brains department.

If someone doesn't like me the way I am, then they're welcome to move on. I'm not saying that there isn't room to grow. There's always room to grow, but I'm "enough" to myself the way I am right now.

Something else I learned a long time ago, and that was to stop comparing myself to anyone else. You will always find those that you think are "more" than you and "less" than you. That's not a healthy endeavor and whatever self-esteem you think you are building by finding those that you think are "less" than you, it's not real self-esteem. It's false pride. False= fake and in my book, there is very little that is as good as the real thing, including cubic zirconium!

Hang tough, girls! You'll make it!

I agree with September.... the real question is not "are you enough for him" but "is he enough for you"? If on the very unlikely chance he does run off to Kyoto or wherever, it is totally his loss, and your gain... if he is really that sort of person, you don't need that in your life. Also if he is making you feel bad about yourself, then he is not enough for YOU. What you need, and what you deserve, is someone that does not make you feel bad about yourself... so next time you ask yourself if you're enough, maybe ask yourself if deep down, he is actually enough for you... are you settling for second best because you don't want to be single?

Wow....I think Meander that you are talking to me directly! You definitely hit the nail on the head for me. Deep down I think, or I know that to be true yet I can't seem to stay out of that relationship. What does that say about me? I guess that I am settling for a myriad of reasons!

TJ

((((SeptemberMorn, meander & TJ))))

thanks for all the replies.

meander - i actually started thinking after i read your post.

last night i had a dream of sitting down and my partner came to me, and i looked at him, looked away and looked up at him again, and his face had changed, he looked like this guy whose music i listen to. then suddenly he looked like himself again. i told him, "you're wonderful... did you know that?" and he said "no.." in the dream, though, i also wondered whether i thought him wonderful because he looked like that guy for a moment or because i loved him.

went to read some dream interpretations.. the closest term i got was "transformation" and it said i wanted change. i want change in him? his physical appearance is good enough - i find him very attractive. and he has a splendid character too.

he's not really my second best - he's my dream come true. i should be the one considered "second best" if anyone in this relationship had to be it. there's some things that bother me but i can talk to him about them. i suppose he's just the type who wants it clear and simple. it's not bad... nobody would want to know anyone if everyone thought like me.

the root problem is my attitude - the paranoia, the distrust... my trust was broken at a very early age by my caretakers. so yeah. i should fix that first before entering any relationship, but i got into this before i was aware of the problem.. and neither of us wants to give up - he says he's ready to stick with me through thick & thin. i've just got to believe for now.. -sigh-

thanks for sharing all your experiences and advice. it gives me hope - i hope it does to those anonymous readers too



twilight

It sounds like he is a nice guy then, which is excellent to hear... Just don't beat yourself up too much if it takes you a while to work through your issues. If he is like you say, you guys will make it... don't just believe in him, more importantly believe in yourself! (((twilight)))

And, Skee, don't beat yourself up about it either. Leaving in such a situation is a really really hard thing to do, especially as there will always be some good things you can list about it... maybe if you do want out, just take baby steps = trying making a list of the pros and cons of the relationship, meet some new people and make new friends so you have people that know you separate from your partner etc etc. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it or anything

The thing is for me it is my exhusband and we have been divorced for 8 years... However, since that time we have been back and forth in each others lives, mostly because he didn't have anywhere to stay and we had a 12 yo dd together...

The cons are that he is a con and I know it. He is manipulative and a user, as well as the fact that he almost never works! The pros are that he can be nice, is intelligent, a great father when he is around, otherwise nothing! He keeps the house clean, and is a very interesting man on the surface until you dig deep and realize that all of that is a facade (sp)...

TJ

He sounds like a real winner, Skee.... I think maybe concentrate on the fact he's your ex for a reason... The fact he can't find a place to stay is his problem, he can always get an unemployment benefit or something to live off. Maybe just set some boundaries? Remember, the only thing you owe him because of your daughter is common courtesy.... and the longer you're still messed up with him, the longer it will be until you meet someone who is much nicer and gives you everything you deserve in a relationship.

Yeah a real winner Meander lol.... Boundaries are key for the moment while I work on some burning issues that I have dealt with long enough, or should I say that I have allowed to control me long enough. I know in my head that I deserve better, it is actually much more about managing these illnesses so that I feel it in my heart and not just with my head! You were so right when you said he is not good enough for you....he is not and trying to make myself believe otherwise hasn't worked longterm!

TJ