[ncguynva]

I found out my wife had cheated on me back in July. I am in the military and was away from her. I had been suspicious of her having an affair since January and confirmed it in July. I left for Japan in June and got the evidence I needed in July. We were going to get divorced but after seeing each other we wanted to make things work. We saw a counselor and he diagnosed her with depression, post grief from her fathers death, and PTSD from former bfs that were abusive (mental, emotional and at least one was physical).
Once she learned she had depression, she thought she could not work on herself and be in a marriage. I assured her she could bc her older sister was diagnosed with depression and she is still happily married. She is continuing to see her therapist and also going to EMDR sessions.
When I got back to Japan my unit still had alot of training to catch up on and the situation with her of course was on my mind. I did the young stupid thing and drank heavily. I would then call her and either she would say something to upset me or I would say something that upset her and then it became an emotional slugfest. I then started to see a counselor on base and after about 2 weeks, I realized that with what was on my plate, I shouldnt be drinking, much less drinking and calling her. So I have vowed to not take a sip of alcohol until this matter is resolved. But the damage was done.
After I quit drinking, I tried to assure her that I was not going to yell anymore and that I wanted to move forward. She said she still wanted to write me in Iraq and we were going to see where we stood when I got back from Iraq.
I am currently deployed in the wonderful sandbox and I write her alot, try to call as much as possible and chat on messenger/instant messages. I have not gotten a letter from her but I've talked to her on the phone a few times, chatted on yahoo and such. But, when I talk to her about her about me coming home and seeing her, going to the beach with her and just plans that we had before i learned of the affair, she changes the subject. I do not get feedback from her when I mention us. We have small talk sessions about her day and such but whenever I start to talk serious, she doesnt want to talk about it. I think one time she said something about she does not want to get her hopes up. I have promised her I will go to counseling everyday with her and I will not bring up her mistakes in the marriage when we get into a fight down the road.
I also asked her how she was going to make a big decision about staying with me or us going our seperate ways in such a small time (I will only be home after deployment for 2 weeks maybe 3). She responded with something to the effect of "I am seeking out other options", yet she claims she is not dating anybody and she is working on herself and the marriage.
I have researched her conditions since I left home the last time and I have learned alot. I realize the mistakes I made with her since she has depression and PTSD. I have called her every chance I get and I do not get mad at her or yell at her for about a month now. When I asked her about the marriage and I come on she responded with "If we stay together, we stay together, if we dont, we dont". She claims she wants the marriage to work and everything but from some of her statements and the fact she doesnt respond to my ideas of vacation, or starting a family with her, or anything positive that I have mentioned about us down the road.

Why am I getting mixed signals from her? She gets very angry and upset at me when I think she isnt working on the marriage. What do I do??

[Perna]

I think you need to "follow" her lead and not push so hard? It sounds to me (if I were her) like you're putting pressure on her to fix things according to your schedule. She needs to get herself straight and you need to get yourself straight. Drinking too much is not the answer to any question at any time, that doesn't have anything to do with your marriage, that has to do with you and what YOU want for YOU. Like she says, the marriage will happen or not according to whether you two individuals have your individual acts together. But she needs a bit of emotional room to get hers together and see what's what. What you say doesn't have any bearing, it's more what you do. If you don't yell at her, or whatever, then she'll get the message, telling her you won't is meaningless, she has to have the actual experience. You have to be there at home with her for the marriage to work so I don't think it will get solved in the 2-3 weeks you get off between. It will take a consistent effort on both of your parts together, after you have your individual acts together, to make the marriage work.

Give her room to think and do what she thinks best for herself. It's her life and she gets 100% of the vote on how to live it. Pressuring her according to your own schedule and ways of doing things might drive her away.

[lifeblows]

I'm not sure I should be posting this, but as someone whose major PTSD & depression (among other things) has caused her endless grief in her relationship, I could really relate to a lot of what you said about your girlfriend. She sounds scared. I think some of it sounds like she's worried you won't be coming back. If she has abandonment issues, then that just ups the ante on them even more. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to stay in touch with her as much as you possibly can, but like Perna said, don't push her or press on the relationship issues. You can sort that out later, just keep being supportive and keeping in touch with her a lot like you are. It's frustrating and exhausting to put up with someone who's depressed & has PTSD (I know I have driven my boyfriend absolutely mad), but it's also just as frustrating if not more, for us to be so messed up. It's incredibly exhausting and sheer torture really. She is probably sorting through a ton of stuff right now and feeling overwhelmed. The relationship is probably not something she's ready to handle at the moment. Keep doing what you're doing but give her a little space to work on her own stuff too. I hope everything works out well for you guys.

[ncguynva]

Perna

I can see your point. I think I have been pressuring her, but is it wrong to talk about future plans for us?
I had a talk with her the other night on yahoo and she said she has to learn to love me again (We dated before I came into the military and then she got with another guy who was abusive and 2 years later she and I hooked back up and dated, engaged and married), and she said it is kinda fun.
The way I see it, is that I did not love her like I should have as a husband. The night before I left to go to Japan for the first time, I confessed it to her and that how sorry I was and I was going to make everything alright. It was like I had forgotten about my suspicions and I fell IN love with her again. Mind you I have always loved her but I think in a way because of the disappointments in the marriage, I fell out of love with her but still loved her. If that makes sense??
I think she understands it bc she said she doesn't realize how much I love her now and she felt this way towards me when we were married in the beginning and I took her and her love for granted (which I did ). It just frustrates me bc I am looking for some type of hope from her and I am not getting it. My friends think that she has already made the decision to leave me but does not want to tell me until I get home. And to be honest, sometimes I do think that.

Perna, so how can she make a big decision like this in only 2 or 3 weeks while I am home and show her that I have changed? I know it is alot to ask for and that is why I am trying to do everything in my power here to show her that I have changed. On the phone, she has started crying bc she thinks I am mad or upset at her and I just tell her nothing is wrong.
Perna I can also agree that she cannot just take my word that I am not going to yell at her. That is why I call her as much as I can. I do, however, in some letters express concearns I have, or questions that never get answered.
I have also told her that I will do whatever it takes for this marriage to come out fine. I know I am good for her. I support her in her career and want the best for her.

What do you guys think will stop us from staying together? I have asked her this question and have not gotten a response back. I want to eleminate these factors.

[AAAAA]

(((((ncguynva))))) having been a military wife with bipolar, I can really relate to your situation. It’s like being up to bat with two strikes against you. You really do have to play it by ear, I know that three weeks you get to spend with her will not be an accurate representation of what the rest of your life will be together, it’s another honeymoon. Hopefully it will be enough to rekindle the love you had when you married and carry you through your next separation.

I remember vividly seeing my husband after we’d been separated for 8 months. We were like strangers, I did not remember what it was like before he left. And although I loved him, sex was a bit uncomfortable because he was a stranger to me. Keep in mind that I met this man when he was around 10, we KNEW each other before we got married. And even though we wrote letters to each other faithfully every day and talked on the phone (this is before the internet was even thought of) several times a week, he was still a stranger to me when he came home. He did not feel the same way, to him it was like he’d never left.

There really is no way for you to eliminate the factors that will contribute to the demise of your relationship. The only thing that you can do is work on your issues so you don’t bring them back to the marital table. She must do the same. Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances, a military marriage doubly so; and if you’re very young you can double it again. You just have to be determined to make it work.

I’ve given up on my marriage a couple of times. My husband never has. When we hit those rough patches he allowed me time to work out my issues without crowding me nor abandoning me. In December we hit 23 years of marriage.

I would also advise waiting a bit before starting that family. Children will increase the stress in your marriage 10 fold. Especially when you can be ordered TDY at any second without notice! I knew what I was getting into marrying someone in the military, my father was a military man. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong. Our second child was born in Japan. It was a difficult pregnancy and delivery. My husband was ordered TDY two days after my daughter came home from the hospital with less than 24 hours notice. I can’t tell you how many times I thought “If I’m going to raise these kids on my own, I’m going to be on my own!”

[ncguynva]

I shouldve mentioned before that I chose to go to Japan by myself..... I had learned that she had been seeing these guy friends behind my back and I asked her if she had been hanging out with male friends when she went home and "visited family" while I actually did visit my family. She said no she wasnt. I found out through myspace bc she left a comment on one of the guy's page about how it was great seeing him on his birthday and not to order too many drinks next time. That right there told me there was a problem in the marriage and she didnt want to work on it. It crushed me and I was supposed to be a recruiter around this time this year, but these orders for Japan popped outta nowhere and I was thinking that she just started college, she seemed really happy doing it, she is also "dating" guys behind my back (dont know if she was sleeping with them at this point or not, but still very hishonest), so I decided right there to go to Japan by myself and divorce her. I didnt let her know that I knew she hung out with the guy friends just that I was going to Japan by myself and I chose to do so. I gave her the excuse that she needs to finish school.

But I learned she can finish her schooling in Japan through the education center and get credits from that same school. I informed her of that and it seemed to make little difference to her. She wants to get a internship in a big city like chicago or NY. But she does not even have her Assosciates Degree yet. She can get hired as an intern but I know she will have to abondon that dream if she comes back to Japan with me (which she can and honestly, it is the only way the marriage can survive....not bc of the trust, but bc obviously we need to work on it together....face to face) but yet she says she is scared to go to Japan bc she would leave her family...... I think, and I hope I am right, that she just wants to see if I am going to yell at her and such like I did when I got back to Japan. She said she doesn't want to give her hopes up, so I think giving your hopes up means that you can't control something, and just hope for the best on whoever or whatever is controlling it. I think too much alot times . I have told her and one of her best friends that I have wanted some things in life REALLY bad.....but this desire...this fire that rekindled in me before I left for japan the first time.....this is the strongest I have felt about anything or anybody. My fear is that her mind is already made up and she just does not want to tell me while I am over here. Or she might take something the wrong way and the chances are messed up. I have heard that hope is something for a fool....I have alot of hope....am I a fool?

semper fi

[AAAAA]

We selected Japan as well, I remember saying "oh put Japan down, they'll never send us there". But it did have an upside, it was concidered sea duty for my husband and he had enough rank for me to accompany him.

I don't think you're a fool, I do think you'll get an answer when you get back "home" and I truly hope that it's the one you want.

[ncguynva]

i have enough rank to bring her over...i just hope she wants to now